Oh, boy. I’m starting a thread before coffee. I hope it’s coherent…
There are some national commercials that are bad. This thread is not about them.
This thread is about those cheesy commercials, ususally, but not limited to those “As Seen On TV” products. Others may be local, and so they wouldn’t have been seen by that many people on the boards. There are bad commercials that are so bad they’re insulting. There are other bad commercials that are good enough for a smirk or a chuckle. That’s what this thread is about.
One of the worst. Currently this is the most insulting commercial I’ve seen. It’s for a “cold” soldering tool. “Cool to the touch, but heats up instantly when it touches metal! Then cools down in seconds!” One of its “advantages” is that it’s cordless. The ad opens with a guy trying to solder something, but his plug-in soldering iron won’t reach. He yanks and yanks on the cord, but it still won’t reach. “Raaaayyy reeeeeee rooooooh! Arrrreeeeee! Co’d too sho’t! Mongo mad!” :rolleyes: Come on. If the soldering iron doesn’t reach, why not just move the work twelv inches closer? You’ve got the room. “Ar?” It really bugs me when these guys manufacture “problems” that no person with any business using any sort of tool couldn’t solve, often by the simple expedient of moving a few inches. It’s just stupid.
On the other hand, there were bad commercials I liked to watch. Crazy Gideon’s is an electonics store in downtown L.A. (If you haven’t been there, downtown is really seedy, with all sorts of cheap-ass stores.) “Gideon” is a wacky guy with a Middle Eastern accent who excitedly says things like, “We have SOny DVD player, only $299! You buy! It’s cheap! Why so cheap? Because I’m craaaaaazy!” I think he’s a hoot. I think this is one of the “best of the bad”. (Later commercials before I left L.A. seemed to have been toned down a bit. Too bad.)
There was another one back in the '80s that fell somewhere in the middle. Some guy making equity loans. I hated the commercial, but the opener was so bad it was memorable. The guy literally wound up for his pitch. Really. His right arm would move backwards, around in an overhand motion, and wound up pointing at the camera as he shouted, “Homeowners!.. How would you like to borrow up to $x on your home?” Bad commercial, but memorable for the “windup”.
Honourable mention: “Larry H. Parker got me 2.1 million!”
We have two lawyers here, partners, who are so full themselves that it’s comical. They jump out airplanes, comandeer helis, scoot on jet skis, and take to horse back (different ads, yo) to get to the scene of an acident where someones needs their special superhero lawyering. The latest is 30 seconds of them not moving or saying anything (not a stillshot, can see slight twitchy movements) and a quick voice over at the end.
Funny thing is, they themselves are currently under investigation for sexual harrasment of both workers and clients. Makes it even more funny.
BTW, one is a tub, the other is extra homely. Just more things to amuse me about their “super hero lawyer” ads.
That’s it. Any of those ads for some new miracle product where the person doing it the old way is made to look like an incompentant boob. The pancake flipper, the egg peeler, the hair wrap, the spaghetti pot … the person trying to flip pancakes or dump spaghetti just can’t do it and drops the food all over the floor, or just can’t wrap a towel around their wet hair, until they try the new and improved MIRACLE PRODUCT!!! I hate 'em all.
A more nationally known add is that one "natural male enhancement’ commercial where our generic white guy with a huge plastic smile (OGWGWAHPS) is sitting across a tabel from a bunch of sour-looking japanese businessmen. Businessman makes offer. OGWGWAHPS doesn’t move.
Japanese sidekick says: “He will not waver at all”
Businessman makes bigger offer. OGWGWAHPS doesn’t move.
Japanese sidekick says: “He is like firm wood that will not bend”
Businessman makes ginormous offer. OGWGWAHPS drinks the sake!!
Natural Male enhancement. Oh yeah, that was subtle!
Its so awful, yet so disturbingly hilarious that I’m laughing right now.
I posted this in my livejournal a while back, but it fits here.
When we first moved here and were still living in a hotel, I turned on the TV one day and saw the best TV lawyer commercial ever. That’s right, Lowell “THE HAMMER” Stanley.
He seems normal enough, from the website, except for the tacky photo. You have to see the commercials to believe them, though. I wish I could find one to show as an example. Imagine a guy with saggy jowels, rambling and ranting about idiots and morons. “I am Lowell “THE HAMMER” Stanley, and I promise to get you every penny that you deserve from the MORON who caused your injury. Are you MAD, because some IDIOT caused your car accident/etc? I’ll make sure that JERK gets what he deserves! Call me at 459-CASH.”
He seems like he’s going to start frothing at the mouth at any moment.
In the last one I saw Lowell “The Hammer” Stanleyhas changed his name to Lowell “Mad Dog” Stanley.
He HUNTS FRIGGIN IDIOTS! How do I know this? because he told me so, and even put it in big, bright yellow letters on my TV screen. He also gets MAXIMUM MONEY.
Also in big, bright yellow letters on my screen was “MAD DOG BITES THEM IN THEIR ASSETS.”
This guy freaks me out.
But I assure you, if some FRIGGIN IDIOT JERK ever causes me to be in a car accident, I will call Lowell “The Mad Hammer” Stanley on his easy to remember phone number, so that I can get maximum cash.
Ooh! His commercial just came on! No FRIGGIN IDIOT JERK talk this time, just a calm “Lowell “The Hammer” Stanley wants to rip their hearts out to get you the money you deserve.”
This guy has the best TV lawyer ads ever. The angry man in the commercial isn’t even Lowell “The Hammer/Mad Dog” though!
Aaaahh, regional ambulance chaser commercials. I thought Larry Parker in Los Angeles was bad, until I moved to Mississippi.
Do they still have those terrible Survival insurance commercials in LA. There was this ins. co. owner who had a pathological need to star in EVERY single one of his commercials. Usually very bad spoofs of good commercials and movies. He even did a “A Few Good Men”/“You can’t handle the truth!” spoof.
/cringes
The only explanation I could come up with is that he honestly thought a producer watching the commercial would hire him to be the star in a movie.
The Valtrex commercials are pretty bad too. Who knew women who suffered from outbreaks of genital herpes, led such active lifestyles. They don’t have time for no stinkin pill poppin! They’re rafting down the Colorado river!
But I like those commercials! They let me think that someone, somewhere, is more inept around the house than I am, and too dumb to realize that the new miracle product won’t make them less inept (thus making them dumber than me, too). They give me a much-needed ego boost sometimes.
All of those geeks doing their own commercials owe it all to good old Cal Worthington and his dog Spot, here in LA.
“Here’s Cal Worthington and his dog Spot!” and here comes this skinny old guy in a huge cowboy hat dragging his dog Spot on a chain. Except that in every spot, Spot was a different animal- tigers, liions, elephants. That was his schtick.
Go see Cal, go see Cal, go see Cal!
The three of you who witnessed the horror that was Made in America saw a dead-on Cal parody from Ted Danson.
If you need a car or truck, go see Cal!
If you want to save a buck, go see Cal!
Get a new car for your wife
She will love you all her life
Go see Cal, go see Cal, Go see Cal!
When I was a kid we had a Filipino neighbour who thought they were singing “Pussy Cal”.
I just love MIRACLE PRODUCT!!! commercials. I would seriously buy a DVD of nothing but these commericals.
We’re got a wealth of bad local commercials. Right now, my favorite is a Hurt and Injured on the Job? lawyer one. A guy is apparently involved in an industrial accident. You know this, because Mr. Worker is flailing around while flames shoot up his body. Flaming Mr. Worker moves off camera, and Hurt and Injured on the Job? Lawyer takes over. Flames are still shooting off behind him, but he has morphed into Invincible Lawyer and the flames dare not touch him (none of this is delivered ironically - it’s just bad video production). Everytime I see this, I feel compelled to yell “BURN HIM!”.
We also have the chainsaw wiedling furniture guy. Get it? He slashes prices! With his chainsaw! And now look, 2 year old Chainsaw Junior has his own miniature chainsaw. He’s helping daddy slash prices!
Hands down the tackiest commercial I ever saw was a local car dealer, at Christmas time. He didn’t actually mention any cars; he was just coming on tv (and mentioning his car dealership) to wish us all the Lord Jesus Christ’s glorious blessings during this most sacred and beautiful holiday season. He also wanted to introduce us to his new granddaughter, a darling baby girl in a pretty christmas dress who he dandled on his knee throughout the commercial. Then he looked straight into the camera and said, “Life. What a beautiful choice.”
I just stared at the tv in stunned silence.
My favorite bad current commercial is that one for the telephone veterinary medicine company. I can’t remember the name of it (how’s that for effective advertising). The woman is complaining that to get her pet’s medications, she has to put the dog in the car, drrrriiiiive to the vet’s office, then SIT and WAIT. Poor lady! Being responsible for a pet sure is a hassle! Tell ya what, if you can’t handle taking your dog to the vet, maybe you should give it away to somebody who doesn’t suck and get yourself a nice goldfish, m’kay?
My husband and I use the commercial for all occasions.
“Can you give me a ride into work on Thursday?” “Oh, sure. You want me to put you in the car, drrrriiiiive to campus . . .”
“Can you pick me up at five?” “You expect me to driiiiive over there, and SIT and WAIT?”
“You gonna get groceries tonight?” “Yep. I have to drriiiiivve to the store . . .”
I hate any and all commercials that try to be “cute” by using the business owner’s kids or grandkids in it.
“My dad, Terry Morris, is still #1!” was on ALL THE TIME through my childhood, but Terry Morris’ daughter is all grown up now, so I thought they’d be gone… nope, when I was back in New York for my sister’s wedding I heard a radio ad with a DIFFERENT little kid saying “My grandpa, Terry Morris, is still #1!”
smiling bandit, that’s Enzyte Bob. His wife disturbs me far more than he does, as she appears to have no teeth. The implications of this in an ad for “male enhancement” are not quite pleasant.
The Starbucks commercial they show on ESPN all the time. The one with the band Survivor following Glenn around, singing “Glen! Glen, Glen, Glen!” to the tune of Eye of the Tiger. Used to get on my nerves something fierce. Now I laugh every time I see it.
I think every kid my age thought they were singing “Pussy Cow”. That made no sense at all. Cats and cattle? What do they have to do with each other or with cars?
This will make no sense to anyone that wasn’t watching late night TV in the greater Atlanta area in the 70s . . . or caught some TBS “Superstation” from the bad old days.
They used to run an ad for Plaza Drugs, which for was for years the only 24-hour drugstore in the entire Atlanta area. It was probably shot somewhere around 1948. The women all wore hats and white gloves . . . there were neatly dressed salespeople and soda jerks. It was black and white, with that odd graininess of old film . . . you could see Hupmobiles driving by. (Okay, not really Hupmobiles, but that sort of bumpy 1940s vehicle.)
To find this ad still running circa 1979 always made me howl with laughter whenever I saw it.
After TBS ran the ad for Plaza Drugs, they’d usually do the news . . . where Bill Tush would feed peanut butter to his dog and then they would put him on the camera. Someone off camera would read the news, the dog would flap his jaws, and it looed amazingly convincing. (That was funny too, in 1979.)
Plaza Drugs is gone now . . . and so is the ad. It’s a shame, I’d pay money to see it again. The dog, too.
We had a Cal Worthington dealership for a while here so we got those.
Our regional ambulance chasers are second to no one. The real famous one (you can tell because his ads are starting to get more polished) is Jim Adler “The Texas Hammer.” But those are boring compared to our furniture stores.
Jim McIngvale has made himself synonymous with Houston, becoming one of Houston’s biggest cheerleaders. A huge sports fan, he has played a major part in every major sports initiative in Houston in the past 20 years: NFL teams, All-Star games, new stadiums, even an Olympic bid. Jim McIngvale is “Mattress Mac” of Gallery Furniture. College football fans may recognize the name from the galleryfurniture.com Bowl (pitting Big 12 #6 against usually a MAC challenger), now just called the Houston Bowl after the contract was up. Mac has had the same schtick for years: he talks really fast about some cheap-ass furniture (although now their furniture is better), has a really low budget commercial, and always ends with the phrase “Gallery Furniture will SAVE YOU MONEY!” coincident with pulling a large wad of cash from behind his back and jumping. This is the perfect example of using a bad, infectious meme to get your name out. Gallery Furniture, which used to be located in a collection of converted houses right off of I-45 North on the way to the airport, is now in a huge, sparkling new warehouse complete with free cookies and hot dogs, a fun park for the kids, conveniently located, as every Houstonian can tell you, at 6006 I-45 North between Tidwell and Parker. They advertise that they will deliver any set of furniture purchased “TODAY!!!”, even if it is the end of the business day. Rumor is that they still will deliver in an unmarked truck so that your neighbors don’t know that you are buying from Gallery Furniture…
Of course, success breeds imitators. To stand apart, imitators have to be more crazy and irritating. And of course Houston has them as well. Enter Hilton furniture. True to form, he has an even more irritating catch phrase “THAT’S A FACT JACK!!” and a more irritating schtick – he cuts a mattress in half with a chainsaw. He even gets his 6 year old son into it (he has a Fisher-Price toy chainsaw).
In 2000, Conan O’Brien profiled Houston because our local NBC affiliate head decided he didn’t like Conan and only aired the show at 2:30 AM. (Now it is a little better, at 1:30). Conan came to Houston and tried to find people watching the show at 2:30. It was a truly hilarious skit. But as an extra bonus, he treated the national audience to local commercials which bought time during his show.
Cut off my last sentence:
And so the whole country (and many parts of the world, as Conan is attempting to find out by alphebatized insults) was treated to Hilton and Mac.
One thing has to be said about these guys who make terrible commercials: You all remember the ads, and remember the products and people who sell them, which is exactly what the ads are meant to do. No one would forget the horrible ad about a chainsaw weilding furniture salesman, right? And you haven’t…and years from now, you’ll still remember that guy and his furniture store.
Me…I can’t wait to see commercials at all. If I want to watch English television, I have to watch AFN, which doesn’t have commercials (just really, REALLY bad info spots). If I want commercials, I have to watch German TV, which is fine, since I speak the language, but since my wife doesn’t, we rarely watch TV auf Deutsch.
