Did you go to the bottom of each review?
It looks like “movie reviews via Mad Libs.” Exact same format, practically copy-and-pasted form text with just the names changed.
Frankly, based on the scant information contained within each “review,” (which could be acquired from Wikipedia) I’m skeptical she’s actually seen any of these movies.
The review in the OP does read like text grabbed by a bot.
Wow. Even down to the grade, pretty much (4th grade generally being 9 or 10 years old). 
Undoubtedly this is a plot by the Tribune to bring scorn upon bloggers and protect the Trib’s fading income.
I’ve seen better writing from drunks reviewing Chipotle on TripAdvisor.
Actually, you’re right. The OP evokes both 4th grade book report and the results of a natural language processing grad student working on an algorithm for automated review generation.
Well, modern movies seem written by computer, modern reviews should follow.
Bot, snot. I like the succinctness. “This had more action. … It had non-stop action.”
Now, you can’t get more action than non-stop action, can you?
Use the Moose-And-Squirrel accent, it’s a Soviet-era report on a worthy opponent!
Heh, that’s like a Carlin or Seinfeld routine. If the action’s non-stop, where would you put any more action!
“I saw on HBO, they were advertising this boxing match. They said ‘it’s a fight to the finish.’ That’s a good place to end.” - Mitch Hedberg
Wait - there was a second Captain America: The First Avenger movie?
Why would they make two movies with the same title?
I am absolutely amazed at how poorly she can write.
Oh my… I don’t have the words. (But then again, neither does Sarah)
But how do Tom, Nancy, Nate and Austin relate to Bill? Are they Bill-adjacent? I may watch the movie if only to find out the answers to these burning questions.
Heh. “Black Widow(Scarlet Johanseen).”
She makes Mick LaSalle look like William Faulkner.
I haven’t seen “American Hustle” yet, but I suspect it’s worth more than one star
To quote Sarah: “The costumes were great but the acting was pretty bad. I should have known by Christian Bale being in this movie.”
Uh, sure.
About Sarah:
Well, she’s certainly qualified to write movie reviews.
Perhaps this is deliberate trolling. Maybe they figured they’d get more hits on their site by writing deliberately terrible reviews.
In her Veronica Mars review, the possessive of Mars is “Mar’s”. Thrice.
I suspect comments may be getting deleted. You can sense she was really excited by the Veronica Mars movie because it looks like she might have spent 10 minutes on the review instead of 5, but probably still wrote it on her iPhone while sitting in the theater. I think she might have a touch of ADD, or plagued by the sort of distraction that was a problem for the dogs in UP whenever they encountered squirrels as evidenced by this paragraph. Snacks are her weakness of course, not squirrels-
I think the key to all of this is the blurb under her picture-
“My friend who works for the newspaper said you can see movies for free before anyone else and all you have to do is write something about them. She is getting me a pass that I can show to get into the screenings!”
Just wait until she starts attending junkets.
So those rumors about all the newest movies being secretly gay are true.