Oh, shit!
Kellibelli! Your ex has joined the files!
I dunno, sex is like pizza – even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good (as long as there’s no anchovy smell).
Seriously, once I got it through my high-schooler head (lo these many moons ago) that it’s your prime mission in bed to make sure your partner is satisfied, it hasn’t really ever been bad. Sometimes it’s better than others, and I have to admit that my significant other isn’t nearly adventurous enough to suit me, but what we do do is very nice.
Live a Lush Life
Da Chef
My worst experience was with this girl I knew from a local IRC channel. We had met once before, and had fun together. Once, I came back from a business trip on the left coast on a Saturday night around 8pm. There was a message on my VM from her, from a day or so prior just saying hi. I called her back, and she invited me over to hang out.
She had already started drinking, and with the exhaustion from travelling cross country, I was soon too buzzed to drive home. There was a strong mutual attraction (she was very smart, pretty, and someone I wouldn’t have minded getting in a relationship with), and we started making out. Soon, we migrated to her bedroom.
So far so good, right? Well, not exactly. Turns out that she didn’t have any condoms there (and I didn’t bring any – I really didn’t expect to hook up with her that night), so we took turns going down on each other and using our hands, etc. Thing is, she had no interest at all in getting me off after I did my duty with her. I had to pretty much beg her to go down on me. She did, but not for too long – and she wasn’t even all that good at it; but, ultimately I came.
In the morning, I kissed her goodbye and left. I called her the next day, but she had no interest in pursuing things with me, and basically wanted to get laid. I was so pissed.
The worst sex I ever had, hmm, well now I would have to say all the sex I had untill I met my first husband. I didn’t even know what an orgasm was before him. He made me climb the wall backward by my toenails, I married him two months later. He died 4 months after we married. I married his friend a year later, we have been married 21 years now, the sex is still great. Both men had the same teacher, she was a ahem, “loose woman” but God she knew how to teach them right. 
Lioness,
I rule the King of the jungle
I went to the gas station to get a magazine and the issue was terrible. Worse, they tearing up the street by my bathroom window so it was too noisy to concentrate.
And then to top it off, I decided to buy the “other brand” of petroleum jelly. Bah, you get what you pay for…
“It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in an argument” - William McAdoo
Omniscient:
Of course I take the blame. Never tried to get out of it. It was a lesson learned.
Stoidela:
Well, I had a nice hotel room with a jacuzzi. We had talked all about it in the time we spent chatting and on the phone leading up to it. We both knew what was going to happen going into it. And since she did not share my sense of disappointment (she pretty much attacked me) *that’s<i/> why I fely obligated.
God, can we *please</i? change the subject?
God, can we please change the subject?
That was supposed to be my last line. Oh, and Stoidela - I like a girl with some meat on her bones. But victims of dreaded two-butt disease… That’s something else altogether!
There was a valve malfunction and she just rocketed around the room until all the air was gone.
“…send lawyers, guns, and money…”
Warren ZevonWorst sex…hmmm
-Maybe the girl that O’d when I was down on her and bounced so hard she chipped my front tooth with her labia pierce and this was on a weekend and it hurt like a mutha (caution! never take you friends advice and try to chug a ice cold beer to “numb the pain” my screams still echo in the bar)
-Maybe it was the time I woke up handcuffed to a bed not remembering where I was and the girl next to me was passed out and I had to go pee REALLY bad! Had to hold it for a good hour and a half
-Or maybe the time I was romping with a girl on the beach in the middle of the night and was about to cum with her when the cop shined what must have been the BIGGEST GODDAMNED FLASHLIGHT on us for all to see and held it there until we go dressed. Talk about a tension breaker.
Oh well for every bad time there was a few rodeo nights where no one slept around me and my partner. God I miss those!
Zette and Bunnygirl:
A)thanks for the support
B) since you’re both so kind, I’ll let the “Val” slide [see the nicknames thread for further explanation] Don’t worry, I’m not offended in the least 
This thread has reminded me of a story that’s not really bad, just funny.
Three years or so ago, I was in Iowa visiting a friend. She threw a party the first night I was there, and I met this cutie that I’d never seen before and figured I’d never see again.
Anyway, he and I (and I honestly don’t remember the poor guy’s name) started making out late in the evening, and ended up on my friend’s futon after everyone went home. One thing led to the good stuff, and we were going at it.
Now, I had just gotten my nose pierced (and they insisted on putting in a stud instead of the hoop I’d asked for), and at one really IMPORTANT moment, I breathed too heavily through my nose, and the nose-ring flew out and hit the guy in the face. Luckily, he had a good sense of humor and laughed almost as hard as I did (I literally could NOT catch my breath - I then fell off the futon onto the floor) We never finished, so I’m sure he didn’t think it was very good sex, but it amused me to no end… still does, really…
“You’re going to listen
to ME? To something I
said? Haven’t I made it
abundantly clear over the
tenure of our friendship
that I don’t know shit?”
- Brodie, “Mallrats”
…let’s just say it involved me, a young man wearing a sombrero, and the fastest gun in the West…
“Argue for your limitations; sure enough, they’re yours.”
Shitboy is here!
AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaRRRRRRRRggggggggg
NNNOOOOOOOOoooooooo!
Go away, and I kept one of those polaroids you bastard, so you better not tick me off!
Kel, does it show how small and inadequate he is?
Bad sex:
Have only had one partner so I can’t really make comparisons. Some has been boring but none really BAD like some of these stories.
sigh
Now you did it Bunn…once the guys discover you only had the one partener, that will elevate you to an almost virginal pedestal.
(like they didnt already think you were adorable, now they will truly worship you )
Actually, Shitboy and I each took polaroids, but I kept the ones of me, and he kept the ones of him, and we were only allowed to look at them when we were together…( I am NOT stupid!)
When we split, we burned them, together. all of them.( At least…that’s what he thinks!)
He was average size.Not bad body.Nice rear.
Nothing to be ashamed of…expept what he was doing to himself when I snapped the pic!
Could he reach it?
Maybe this is a separate thread, but why should anyone be ashamed of anything they do in the privacy of their own home? Did I miss something? Or is it another instance of local laws being a problem?
Once an old boyfriend and I were in the middle of having sex and in between thrusts he asked, “do you know how to make rice?” THAT was horrible.
I just remembered the most HUMILIATING sex I ever had!
I was very young and stupid, and I’d screw anyone. I don’t even remember who this guy was, some neighbor. And he’s thrusting away and not making much progress. Gets up, leaves the room, comes back with a playboy magazine, puts it behind my head, starts thrusting again while he flips the pages.
And here’s the really shameful thing: I didn’t have the good sense and self-esteem to kick him in the balls.
I am #1. Everyone else is #2 or lower.
Stoidella:
Hmmmm… not very flattering at all ! You should’ve kicked him in the nads, that’s for sure.
Sorry, I’m a man, so my contribution to this thread is nothing. There is NO SUCH THING as bad sex. Women made this up. Just like headaches, shopping and asking for directions.
Ain’t no such thing. Telling ya. Really.
Coldfire
“You know how complex women are”
- Neil Peart, Rush (1993)
OMG, Stoidela, you win. That was awful. Much worse than anything I’ve ever had to put up with. I want to cry just hearing that story.
My worst:
-
My last boyfriend had an aversion to oral sex, about a two-minute attention span, and a very strong belief that every woman can have vaginal orgasms (I blame this on the fact that pretty much everyone he ever slept with was a virgin or a one-nighter). I think our sex life could have vastly improved had he been on Ritalin. He didn’t even NOTICE that I wasn’t getting off until I took matters into my own hands one night, and when I did, it flipped him out so much that he dumped me two days later. Good freakin’ riddance. I was upset for a day, and then realized how much of a favor he was doing for me. I had a chance to get back with the best lover I’ve ever had while I was with him, and I TURNED IT DOWN. I’ve been regretting that move ever since.
-
Had sex with someone I pretty much loathed, out of the general sense of obligation. I fooled around with him (no sex, but plenty of nudity) at a party one night, figured I’d never see him again, but he asked for my phone number and called, and I figured he was cute so I’d give him a shot. Bad idea. The guy ended up being institutionalized a few months later, which just goes to show you how well I can pick 'em. I had sex with him twice, which was two times too many. He was definitely a talker, which can be a turn-on if you say the right things. He didn’t. He just chattered…on, and on, and on…I probably would have been able to get off had he not always interrupted my train of thought. I was so turned off by the whole idea of sex that I just gave up for about four months, until I met the aforementioned great lover.
-
Fell in love with someone who I wasn’t attracted to at all. Tried my damndest to make it work for nearly a year, but it just wasn’t happening. Got off regularly, felt vaguely ill afterwards, was miserable for the entire span of the relationship. Felt lied to (it was an online thing at first), resentful, bitter, the whole nine yards. It was really a sad situation all around. I wish I could look back with some fondness, but I just let it go too long before putting the relationship out of its misery, so everything is colored by the fact that I was entirely too angry with the situation when it was ended. I only hope he finds some comfort in the fact that the guy I dumped him for was number one on this list. Que sera, sera.