It looks as though I failed to word the OP very well, I really meant a school that you would strongly disapprove of. Not like a sports rivalry, refusing to help your child out on that basis would be stupid. Something you would feel is just plain a bad idea. Several posters chose option 1 but express an opinion that is more like option 3.
Perhaps giving a more specific example case? On what basis do I strongly disapprove of it?
IMO **monstro **nailed it in one. As fine-tuned by KarlGrenze in post #5.
Although even in KG’s example case, the parent might be making a stupid decision for a stupid reason, but it’s still the parent’s decision to make.
As a disinterested observer I’d hope to dissuade them from making the dumb mistake. But I’d be darn hard pressed to tell the parent, “You’re making a dumb decision so therefore you’re disqualified from having an opinion and must release the funds to the kid over you own objections?” Huh? Where do I get the horsepower to make demands like that? As the other parent, step-parent, etc. of the student I’d have a pretty strong role. As an uncle, etc. I’d have some small standing. As the neighbor or concerned friend, not really.
For me, the issue would be less the school and more the reasoning. Following a girlfriend? Not a good enough reason to turn down an option you’d otherwise chose. If I thought a kid was, I dunno, attending Bible College because they were conflicted about their own sexual identity, I doubt I’d help with that, either. But if he visited Yale and came back and said 'I know they are a great school and have a great program, but I don’t think the culture suits me–I am going UT instead", I’d be supportive.
I mean, if you question is “Is there any possible post-secondary education choice you’d refuse to support”, the answer is “hell yes”. Surely virtually everyone has some point past which they’d feel like they were actively hurting their kid by supporting foolishness.
I know that love makes people do stupid things. But I’m wincing at the notion that trying to have both love and education is a bad thing.
I got an offer to go to Cornell. I turned it down to go the public institution just down the street. Money had a lot to do with it, but I’m not gonna lie. The fact that my loving parents were right there to provide support also helped me to make that decision.
I think I’d be a hypocrite for clucking my tongue at my hypothetical child’s decision to do essentially the same thing (i.e., balancing his heart’s desires with those of his head’s). Especially if he was really serious about his girlfriend and by most measures she had shown herself to be a good influence.
(I’d probably have plenty to say about it, though. That’s a parental right no matter who’s footing the bill :)).
The idea arose from reading another thread where a poster expressed horror at the idea that their child might choose Falwell’s Liberty University.
My kids aren’t allowed to go to the University of Kansas, for purely rational reasons.
My problem with following an SO to college–especially if you are turning down an option you’d otherwise clearly choose, no question–is that it’s a lot of pressure to put on a relationship. People change–it’s unpredictable if a young couple will grow together or apart, though no fault of their own. But if your boyfriend/girlfriend turned down $200,000 scholarship to their dream school to stay with you, how do you dump them a year later? Even if you don’t grow apart, talk about guilt–how do you make i up to them? If they aren’t happy at the school they went to for you, wouldn’t you feel responsible? Alternatively, if you were the one unhappy, wouldn’t you have to hide it, so they don’t feel guilty? It’s just a huge emotional weight to put on what is already a fragile thing.
Right now, I know a girl whose turning down an almost-free ride to one Very Good State school to go to Another Very Good State School with her boyfriend–and that’s going to cost her an extra $68K in debt before she graduates. She has no other reason to chose one school over the other. And she’s not super confident in their relationship–it’s why she’s following him instead of going to the other school a couple hours away. If she were mine, you bet your ass I’d refuse to pay any part of that. If she wanted to make that mistake, she’d understand it was all on her.
Yup. There’s a huge difference between choosing a school for some parental emotional support as **monstro **did versus following what’s really your *high school * BF/GF to some college as Manda JO’s acquaintance is doing.
Your parents are a permanent part of your life. How many college graduate couples are still married to their high school sweethearts at age 30? I’d bet not 5% of them.
My parents met each other in college. My mother dropped out after her sophomore year to follow my father after he graduated. They got married and had four kids. Then she went back to school. Almost 50 years later, things have kinda worked out for them.
So I guess you can say I’m biased. I do believe that following your heart is a stupid decision most of the time. But it did work out for my parents.
If my hypothetical son declined an offer at a “dream” school with a full scholarship so as he could attend a less prestitigous school that only offered a partial scholarship (or none at all) and a girlfriend, I think I would strongly discourage him. I’d probably tell him that if he attended the “dream” school, I’d buy him a car and offer to give him a nice stipend (since he’s got a full scholarship, after all). But I probably wouldn’t tell him “no money for you, buster”. Not unless he seemed intent on compounding this questionable decision with another (like majoring in underwater basket-weaving, minoring in bong-hitting).
I picked “this question is too hard”
And then I read the thread.
To my mind, the major purpose of me setting aside money for my child (or my niece) to go to college is so that a college education and degree can be obtained with less college loan burden for the student.
So why the student wished to attend the Wrong College would matter-- but a generally accredited good school that is the sports rival of the Right College, I’d still help pay for, a good school that is halfway across the country for the sake of a high school sweetie, I’d cringe (and possibly lecture) but still hand over the funds, but an unaccredited school in a useless field, I’d keep the funds for later use.
Real life example.
My nephew could have gotten into the very top tier of schools (like Georgetown and Cornell, he had near-perfect SAT scores, a 4.5 GPA, and tons of extracurricular achievements). Decided he wanted to remain with his girlfriend and ski bum friends and go to a “least selective” local school (basically, have diploma or GED and $20,000? Welcome!).
My sister, a single mom who worked 80 hour weeks to send her boys to private school all the way (the public schools are useless where they live), refused to pay for any of it.
My sister cannot afford to have boomerang kids. She’s invested in their education so that they would be successful, including financially.
She’s keeping the money for her younger son, who will graduate with no debt if he flies straight. He’s starting at a top-10 school in the fall.
Older son will be starting at the flagship state school in the fall as well. He’s basically wasted two years because he has only 18 credits he can transfer. His girlfriend is long gone. At least the price tag will be only $25k a year, and he’s actually getting some financial aid, so he and mom think they can make it work.
Kid was shocked to discover that no one would take his side in the argument, except his deadbeat dad. Even dad’s parents (who are quite well off) took the position that if wanted his mother’s money, he needed to accept the strings that came with it.
Ha, I wondered if you might have been inspired by my post.
If my (hypothetical) kid wanted to go to Liberty or a similar school then they’d better be prepared to pay for it on their own. I’d be fine with someplace like Notre Dame that has a strong religious affiliation but also has a good academic reputation and doesn’t make the Puritans look like a bunch of hippies. I would not be fine with spending $20,000+ a year on a school where they’d be required to take a “creation studies” course that presented evolution as a controversial idea and where watching an R-rated movie is a rule violation punishable with “12 [demerit] points and a $50 fine”.
Thankfully for my relationship with my potential future child, I doubt a lot of 18 year olds are desperate to attend a school where watching The Breakfast Club is forbidden and premarital sex is an honor code violation.
As LSLguy says; monstro nailed it.
If I’m paying, then I’ve bought the rights to decide how the money’s spent. One of our kids found this out when announcing a change to a liberal arts degree (you could hear the snap of our checkbook closing for miles). To be clear, we’re open to any path that leads to self-sufficiency, whether it be college or trade school, and we have no limitations (other than $$) on which school is selected. But it must have a demonstrable and believable path to a career.
What Quartz said. Note that I’m prejudiced by having encountered many similar cases where the parents had their heart set on something specific, the child wanted something else, and in every single instance the child was right. Now, if the child wanted to attend Party U then in my book he is free to do so, but the parents don’t need to pay for it beyond what was already set aside. Depending on how it was set aside, not even that: I’m fine with TheMightyAtlas’ example, but if it was in a bank account owned by the child and that he can only access at 18, then he can burn the money in the lawn… just don’t come asking for more.
I know some families where professions like pharmacy and dentistry are effectively family businesses passed down through generations. These are the toughest ones for me to take sides on. One intern at our company had both parents who were pharmacists and both grandfathers were as well. The pressure on him and his sister to go to pharmacy school was pretty intense. Once his sister went into the program, all the pressure on him was lifted. Good thing, because he went to business school (Ivy League for both undergrad and MBA) and has made a killing in private equity. At age 33 he is probably worth many times the family business.
The days of the family-run pharmacy are numbered. But his folks couldn’t see that. His sister works at a CVS now.
My mother left the decision 100% up to me. I relied 100% on the brochures I’d been snail mailed. Which meant tours up in Minnesota at one point.
I did choose my school almost entirely based on the IT department, which was one of the most robust in the country. However, I ended up at a service and religious-based teaching college. Which was probably great for me, but goes to monstro’s point that kids aren’t geniuses.
However, mother also ascribed to the idea that it was my life and I could do what I wanted with it.
I also toured all of the schools my grandmother wished me to tour.
My girlfriend chose a college to be near me. She was a complete moron, and bounced around from college to college before finally finishing her degree. But that had nothing to do with her parent’s wishes, that had to do with addiction and mental illness and getting her shit together. Which took a long time and could not have been fixed by her parent choosing for her.
What is the benefit to the parent if a kid attends a good college or not? It’s not like they’re going to get kickbacks when the kid gets a great job somewhere. The kid’s not going to owe them shit for “picking” a great school. It’s the first step toward freedom and separation.
If a parent thinks their kid is a waste of money, then, fine, take that money and go to the beach instead. That’s what my father wanted to do. But there’s a lot of issues there (parenting, mental illness, lust, impulse control) that have little to do with school choice except maybe as a symptom.
College is for becoming an adult, not getting an education. That’s what grad school is for. And community college is for staying an adolescent because you can’t handle becoming an adult (which is why it happens that kids flunk out of their first semester and end up back at home).
Now you’ve gone from preachin’ to meddlin’.
Naw, I supported my kids when they chose their college. I only cared that it was accredited and they could give solid reason(s) foo picking it.
Right. There could be lots of reasons why your kid’s reason for choosing a school are not as stupid as you think they are. Maybe your kid is interested in majoring in Agriculture and wants to go to a school in Kansas or Nebraska where there are presumably more internship opportunities nearby.
I think I’d have to 100% disagree with this. What you’ve described is what the military is for. When they’re done with you, you’ll also have earned money to pay for college.