What’s the point of having a review of something that you didn’t go to? It’s so you know what fun you missed out on and now it’s just too late for you! Man, you should have been at TornaDope. Now it’s too late. Ha ha, to you.
It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, the sky was a perfect blue and the gentle breeze, which was an actual zephyr I tell you, was wafting the scent of wildflowers about. The park was utterly lovely. The local wildlife, only cute things like deer and bunnies and little fat woodchucks and clever raccoons that did handstands and other pleasing tricks, were frolicking about the fields for our delight. Everyone showed up right on time and we had Sophisticated Conversation and Witty Banter. The picnic was a smashing success. No one even noticed you didn’t show up.
Then after we had our lunch, Santa Claus showed up with chocolate cake for dessert. He let us pet Donder and Prancer (the only reindeer he had with him at the time) and promised us all extra loot come Christmastime. After that the park rangers brought out their horses and let us ride them around the lake. That was so much fun. We thought the only way to make the day better was to go down to the boat launch and see if anyone wanted to give us a ride on their boat. So we went down to the boat launch and said in a slightly-louder-than-conversational voice how nice it would be to get a ride on a boat. Naturally no one offered a bunch of strangers wandering around the boat launch a ride around the lake, so we skipped a few stones and called it a day. Most people went home, but about twenty of us went back to the campground for a camp out and Carouse. Oh man, good times. There was singing and dancing and a general good time. The next morning, after much hugging and crying, we all left for home. It was the best time ever.
Well, it might have been. Except it rained. It rained all day the day before. Then it rained the night before. Then it rained that morning. The rain was supposed to “blow out early”, but the weather guy looked right at the camera during the weather report and said “It’s gonna rain forever, Rue.” He was talking right to me. That was creepy. “We had to launch a fleet of special Weather Control Satellites, but we’re gonna keep this rain coming all weekend!” But me, being an optimist, figured the Weather Control Satellites would poop out and it would still be a good day. The Weather Control Satellites did not poop out. Which was a good thing, because who wants satellite poop raining from space? It would have landed right on TornaDope anyway. But I managed to set up camp (I went to the campsite first) between the raindrops and then got to the picnic shelter.
Driving up to the picnic shelter, you can see the parking lot from the road. It was full of cars. They could have been Doper cars. Conceivably. But I was not happy. The nice lady at the Visitor Center said no one had dibbies on the shelters, but the lot was full. What the heck? (I didn’t say “heck” in the privacy of my own car.) As it turned out, they weren’t there hogging up the picnic shelters. They were kayakers meeting there to go kayak somewhere. (Neoprene kayak duds are flattering on anyone!) So I put up my signs and dragged all my picnic junk out of my car and strew it about the picnic shelter just in time for FisherQueen to show up! Yay, Fisher! The rain made her cold and she had to go back to her car (don’t leave me Fisher!) for a blanket and she came back. (Ph’shew!) I tried to tell her I saw a troop of Boy Scouts walk by in the rain, but she didn’t believe me. I tried to point out the cute little squirrel, but she didn’t believe me. So I didn’t bother telling her about the rabid tree that was foaming at the bark. She wouldn’t have believed that either.
While Fisher was busy not believing me, a bunch of people showed up. They were all stupid kayakers, but ever time I heard a car door slam, I had to check it out. Like a faithful dog left home all alone waiting for his people to come home. (I mean Fisher was all wrapped up in her blanket and you couldn’t see her bikini anyway.) Finally SkipMagic shows up! Yay Skip! Fisher and I both said “Yay!” when Skip showed up. Come to think of it, Fisher was a little too excited when someone else came. Hmmm…
Anyway, once ol’ Skip got settled in, I was getting hungry, so it was time to start the grill for the hot dogs. In the rain. Someone didn’t think I could start a simple charcoal grill just because it was raining. But I showed her. (The secret is to use the charcoal with the lighter fluid already in there. And drain the grill first.) Right after I got the grill blazing away, the Little Woman shows up with Soupo and Katcha! Yay, Little Woman, Soupo and Katcha! And then, before we ate all the food like locusts, GorillaGirl shows up! Yay GorillaGirl!
It was kinda weird. Fisher was wondering who was going to show up, acting all innocent, and then GorillaGirl makes the scene and Fisher is all squealy like she’s just met a long-lost sister or something. She said she didn’t know anyone that was coming before that. I think she lied to me. She’ll do that, Fisher, lie to you. At least she’ll lie to me. And then not even fell bad about it.
After lunch, Soupo and Katcha had to go on a hike. I mean, they had to. So us men-folk went on a Rain Hike while the wimmins stayed where it was dry. That was pretty much the end of the picnic portion of the day. But it opened the Door to the Jungle Jim portion. Fisher decided Skip had to go to Jungle Jim’s. I mean it’s a cultural landmark in Cincinnati and we didn’t want Skip to miss out. Since my family took off earlier, the Remaining Four hopped in two of our cars and off to Jungle Jim’s we went! They let me lead. How dumb is that? Letting me be in charge and leading. You’d think they’d know better. But we got there, no problems. (Actually, we had one problem. We started out in the wrong direction, but I fixed that quite quickly.) I think Skip was impressed. He bought mead and kangaroo meat. Guess what was had for dinner. Not Fisher, though. She had to go home because her hair was tired or she had to wash her cat or some stupid thing like that. But GorillaGirl came back to the campsite with ol’ Skip and me for dinner. If we had candlelight, it would have been a perfect tasteful dining experience. Who would have known, if you need kangaroo meat cooked really well, you pick the color blind guy from Kansas City? Because GorillaGirl is a girl (really! and quite a lovely one too) we had to be all mature and sophisticated during dinner. Even though we were not too far from the road to the boat launch and just before you drive into the lake they have rumble strips in the road and when a car with a boat trailer drives over the rumble strips it sounds like a giant fart! But when she left after dinner, the Comedy Gold was mined out of every car that went to drop off or pick up a boat. I tried to stop Skip, but he thought he was being funny.
At one point Skip was “moving his car” and he tried to kill me. But when he found out I wasn’t in my tent he “found” the brakes and didn’t run it over. That was a little weird.
Even with the rain, TornaDope was a whole heap of fun. And you didn’t come. So you didn’t get any chocolate cake from Santa Claus. Ha ha!
-Rue.
