On his show Good Eats, Alton Brown mentioned that he did this and said that’s why he wears eyeglasses now.
Similarly, suggested order for post-workout before-bed pampering: Hot shower, remove contacts, then apply Icy Hot or Tiger Balm.
The correct order is not: Shower, painful lotion all over hands, remove contacts.
Hell, I learned the hard way that chopping jalapenos, followed by an interval of several hours that included numerous hand-washings, still equals pain when removing contacts. I now either wear gloves or remove my contacts before I make dinner if it includes jalapenos or the like.
nods sagely
That stuff doesn’t seem to wash off right away. Or so I discovered.
It was actually kind of fun, but I’m a little kinky that way.
So, now that the comedic moment has passed, let me tell you what I did to help myself, and you all can tell me if there was something better I could have done.
First, I washed my hands, and tried splashing cold water (from my hands) into my eyes. This was not effectual enough.
So, I went upstairs, got out a bottle of contact lens cleaner, and proceeded to irrigate my eye (several times) with it. I dried it out in between washings, and also let some of my own tears do the work. I noticed it didn’t work superbly (not that I expected it to), but couldn’t figure out what else to do. If I had eaten it, I could have put some bread in my mouth, or drank some coke, or some olive oil or something. But WTF can I put in my eye to help this out?
Or, maybe I did the right thing?
Mostly there’s nothing you can do except keep reminding yourself that it isn’t going to get worse and, better yet, it’s actually going to gradually fade away and leave you with nothing worse than the memories and some seriously bloodshot eyeballs and inflamed eyelid skin for the rest of the day.
The stuff tends to be oil-based and you can’t exactly squirt a shot of Dawn dishwashing liquid onto a Chore Boy and scrub the stuff out of your eyes. I mean, I guess you could, but I don’t recommend it.
First dates are always so awkward!
Laughter may not always be the best medicine, but it was the only medicine she got from me that day.
I think it’s barely alcohol soluable, too. So you could try to rinse your eyes out with vodka (not recommended), or you could just go drink some vodka! 
Seriously, it will help kill the pain, and it might, maybe, in some miniscule way help by adding alcohol to your tears as it natuarally comes out of your tear ducts. Maybe. Possibly. But a drink might be a good idea anyway!
I was dicing up some habaneros for salsa, then went to take a pee.
Jalapenos don’t got nothin on habenaros.
My SIL is from Mexico, and she’s tought me that drinking milk or biting a lemon quickly kills the heat. But that from eating. I hate to put such a picture into your minds eye my gentle readers; but yes. I was desperate enough to pour milk over my burning johnson and squirt lemon juice on my privates.
It didn’t help, or at least, if it did, I would hate to think about how bad it would have been if I had no milk or lemon juice.
When I was a teen I worked in a Chi-Chi’s restaurant doing prep in the kitchen. That frequently meant slicing up ten huge cans of peppers at a time. (though making mass quantities of guacamole was worse) So I’ve put the juice in my eyes many times, and trust me, getting into little cuts on your hand is no fun either.
Ah yes, some years back I too cut up some chillies, washed my hands, washed them again, and only then put my contacts in. And two washings were not enough.
The fun part was trying to remove the chilli-contaminated lens from an eye which was clenched shut with pain.
Almost as fun was the time I forgot to rinse my contacts in saline after they’d been in the peroxide solution. Thankfully, these days I have all-in-one rinse. Kids today don’t know they’re born.
I pepper-gassed the cat last night.
I was making some pepper sauce, using about a quarter pound of chopped Tabasco chiles. The recipe called for a pound, but I call bullshit on that. First of all, that’s a ridiculous amount of peppers. Second, it calls for simmering them in vinegar for 5 minutes. I managed to simmer for about two minutes until the capsacin in the air was making my throat burn, my eyes water, and my nose run. I punted at that point, and decided they’d been simmering long enough.
Then I heard a wee “TSCHOO!” from the living room. I looked over and Lou sneezed a second time, gave me the stink eye, jumped down from the couch and headed for another room.
I decided I should probably open some windows at that point.
Try the experiment again, but with the full pound of chiles.
I want to see if you can make your cat explode.
My SO Miguel eats a chili with every meal.
Early on in our relationship we had dinner as usual, watched a little tv, then commenced to getting frisky.
I won’t go into details, but about ten minutes into the affair I felt more than a little heat “down there”. Oh my God.
I jumped into the tub, but that didn’t help. He suggested the lemon, but I thought that would just irritate things more. I tried washing with milk. I had no luck there either.
Time, it took time, a lonnnng time.
Real mood killer, those chilis.
Chopping jalapeños + rubbing your nose = bad.
For the first twenty minutes, I was actually contemplating going to the ER, it hurt that much.
Once, years ago before I married She Who Must Never Be Named, I had made chili and a few hours later we were getting active.
To put it simply, I hadn’t washed my hands enough, but at least I wasn’t the one to feel the pain DOWN THERE.
A home remedy here in Mexico for chile in the eye is rubbing your eye with human hair. If there is a person nearby with long hair such as a ponytail, just rub your eye with their hair, (with their permission of course). It really works.
Chopping Jalapenos and touching your genitals = bad.
Chopping Jalapenos and touching someone else’s genitals = worse.
Bitter experience.
This is why I’m looking for a good Caribbean place in town. I know I’d fuck up somehow with the scotch bonnets. I KNOW IT.