It Burns! It Burns! (long, TMI)

The BBQ Pit
1

I have an interesting little story about last night that I’d like to share with y’all.

Let me set the scene for you…

I am in the process of moving into the city, and circumstances require me to stay with the parental units for a couple of days before I can move into the new place.

We decide to have turkey dinner to get rid of the space wasting bird and as such need a few things from the store. My mother finds tomatoes on sale and decides on the spot to make a batch of her very delicious salsa. My mouth, naturally begins to salivate at the thought of this spicy ambrosia. We take home our precious ingredients, not the least of which are a half dozen fresh jalapenoes.

So we have our turkey dinner and my mother starts the salsa simmering. It will simmer overnight to allow the flavours to intermingle and whatnot. One of the last things to be added is the diced jalapeno. I, being the helpful son that I am, decide to assist my mtoher dicing the jalapenoes. She warns me to wear latex gloves. This is where all that is good begins to take a turn for the dark side. I, in my blissful ignorance, decide I don’t need gloves and will just wash my hands afterwards. :rolleyes: I think you can begin to see where this is going…

I also nipped a piece of jalapeno and munch on it. After the rather uneventful mouth burning that followed, I thought all was well.

After sitting down to allow the heat in my mouth to subside, I clean my nose out and go to the bathroom, I wash my hands and go to debone the turkey carcass. (I normally work graveyards and it was my ngiht off, so it should be pointed out that this was close to midnight by this point.) I merrily begin stripping the flesh from the bones.

:confused: I feel an odd tingling sensation in the nether regions. Odd, thinks I, that’s not quite right. I continue rending the flesh. In no time the tingle has intensified to the point where I can no longer ignore it. I hurridly wash the turkey stuff off my hands and go to the bathroom to check the underpants kingdom for any hithero unknown small fires being lit there.

Right around this point my nasal passage begin to make their fiery existance known. :eek:

Houston, we have a problem.

<insert a period of time during which I was nearly incoherant trying to scrub my sausage clean while my nose felt like 2 open pits of hell>

As I am dancing around with a flaming baton of infinite fiery torment, I am also trying to be as quiet as possible due to the fact that it is after midnight and my father is an extremely light sleeper.

So after collapsing in agony on the couch and praying to every known and unknown god, goddess, spirit, etc to make it stop or at the very least rescind my birth to stop the pain, I rush upstairs to the only shower determined to put out the fire. Unfortunately this is right next to my parents’ bedroom and my dad is very cranky when woken up, but I no longer cared (with good reason, no?)

I proceeded to strip my clothes off so fast I’m surprised I didn’t rip them. I jump in the shower turn it full blast and full cold aimed right at the source of all my pain. This elicits the most obvious reaction:

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh"

Moral of the story: Latex gloves are a heavenly present and should not be scorned lest you risk the possiblity of frying your sausage chemically. Also, when handling jalapenoes, don’t be a :wally

Teegus

2

I’m sorry it happened and I can happily say I don’t feel your pain.

This is a story that should be told in every cooking class everywhere.

Sorry for laughing at your pain but ROFL

3

You just reminded me of a time when I was working for a rental company. One of the Spanish guys in the back (sorry, Mexican-American…wouldn’t want to upset any of the PC people here) brought in a small bottle of this hot sauce that his cousin sent him. I tried a little by putting a small dab on my finger to taste. I washed my hands as best I could, and went about my day.

Later, my eye began to burn. I was told that it was turning red. The pain intensified. I ran to the eyewash station, but it didn’t help. Turns out I had absentmindedly rubbed my eye with the very finger which had held the hot sauce.

So, I feel your pain, Teegus. Perhaps not to the same degree, but I understand where you’re coming from.

4

My dad and a friend of his were on the way to Mexico from Phoenix for a weekend stay. The wives had gone ahead since the men had to work that day. On the way they picked up some burritos from a roadside stand. Further down the road, in an unpopulated area, my dad had a pressing need for a certain bodily function. They had no toilet paper roll with them so he grapped some napkins left-over from the burritos

Unfortunately for him, some jalapeno juices had come in contact with the napkins.

Now afterburner effect can be bad enough after eating peppers. Directly applying them is much, much worse - or so he reports.

5

T’was putting some BenGay on my wife’s back the other night. It’s the newer, less smelly stuff but I think it’s a lot greasier so after rubbing it in as much as I could I went in to the bathroom to wash it off. Seeing the toilet, I thought hey, as long as I’m in here…

So I sit back on the couch and a minute or so later start to feel an unanticipated warmth down there. However, BenGay’s a lot more forgiving than jalapeno juice to the mantool or the butthole. This actually was kinda nice, more like what you’d expect from a zesty pesto.

6

Homebrew, that reminds me. I had a friend wipe with poison sumac once. :eek:

lieu. I applied some Icy-hot to my hip flexors once and that spread around . . . . my experience wasn’t as “nice”.

I thought I had mentioned the part about the Icy Hot a little while ago but I guess either the hamsters ate it or I have Icy-Hot for brains.

7

I love japalenos. I’ve done this, and I’ve also often joked that something about eating jalapenos makes my eyes itch, for not ONCE have I eaten a jalapeno and not scratched my eyes. Ah, the burning, the blindness, and yet the inevitableness of it all just makes me laugh these days…

Probably gonna find out that the acid’s eating my eyes away slowly or something. :eek:

8

Milk, dude. Jalapeno isn’t soluble in water, but it is in milk products. :slight_smile:

9

My story’s not so… um… amusing, but it’s relevant.

Many years ago I worked at a local pizza shop… as I worked during the day, I had to help make the damn things between deliveries. Well, the boss decided one day that we needed to chop up some jalapenos. Or, rather, that I needed to chop up some jalapenos.

I didn’t mind- I quite like the things, so I got to choppin’. I opened up a gallon can of pickled peppers, and, wearing gloves, started putting them one-by-one into the chopper. I got about halfway through the can, and then…

One of the peppers squirted when I chopped it.

Directly into my eyes.

Oh. My. Freakin’. God. Battery acid would’ve felt good, compared to the pickled jalapeno juice.

I managed to get my eyes washed out, but still couldn’t drive the rest of the day. Hell, I could barely open 'em.

I told my boss that I’d just chopped my last pepper. HE could do 'em from then on.

Hell, when I chop 'em at home, I wear safety goggles.

10

That happened to a kid in my high school-our horticulture teacher told us the story. We were growing peppers, and he was explaining about washing your hands.

First he told us about the time he put his contacts in without washing his hands first. After that, he couldn’t wear them for a week.

THEN he told us about a student named John, who had been a senior when I was a freshman. (I was a junior, by now, and knew John because he had been in my art class, and for the fact that EVERYONE knew this guy.)

Well, it seems they were handling habeneros, which are the hottest peppers you can get, I think. John asked for the hallpass, and came back, looking very very tragic.

“I went to the bathroom.”

I think Mr. Brown said that if jalepenos have say, 400 heat units, then habeneros have about 5,000 heat units.

Count your blessings!

11

Washing with alcohol also works. So the next time that happens, dump a beer in your pants for instant relief.

12

http://info-s.com/chart6.html

Scofield units

jalapenos- 2,500-5,000

habaneros- 225,000-550,000

So you see, th edifference is nearly one hundred-fold!

13

Did you know there is a hot sauce called See Dick Burn?

14

Is that what you kids are calling it these days?

15

Something similar and probably even more embarassing happened to me the other day.

I made salsa (yum), washed my hands, went to take a nap. Was feeling good so decided I should … um … paddle the pink canoe, as they say.

OWWWW !! The rubbing ! The thorough distribution of jalapeno oil to naughty bits ! I knew all about the dairy thing but don’t usually have dairy in the house. Was contemplating a follow-up wank with a hunk of cheddar which was all I had.

Won’t be making that mistake again, let me tell you.

16

I REALLY shouldn’t read things like this when I’m eating… JEEEZUS I almost CHOKED to death!!

17

Username thus explained.

18

Cheese Louise!

If you ever decide to invite me over for dinner, I will graciously accept. But ya think we can get take out?

19

Ya know, I hate an irritating hijack as much as the next person, but where on god’s green earth is it PC to be factually accurate?

Spain is a country in Europe. People from Spain are Spanish, or Spaniards. People not from Spain are…I hope you can follow me here…not Spanish. To call your Mexican-American classmate Spanish isn’t PC, it’s just wrong.

My parents had a bowl of decorative dried chili peppers in their kitchen. My mom’s friend was over, and she had her two young kids with her. I told her 6-year-old son (who I think is in high school now! I’m old) who seemed fascinated with the peppers not to touch them. I explained that if he touched them and then touched his eyes, it would hurt.

Approximately 30 seconds later, he was screaming in pain.

Good going, me.

20

I hate when that happens.