Goddammit holy shit a jalapeño burned my dick

The BBQ Pit
1

It’s throbbing in the bad way now. Not in the good way. You fucker - you bastards don’t even hurt going in. I FORGOT ABOUT MY HANDS.

The mother grabbing sons of bitches got me. All I did was take a leak and now my hogan looks like it went out and fucked that eeejjyyysss whatever fucking volcano in Iceland. I wish I was in Iceland I’d fuck Frosty or some snow or a fucking glacier or something. FUCK.

It’s not as bad as that time I used Suave shampoo as lubrication and it shed its skin like a fucking snake but GODDAMN this is hurt. HATE. I gotta find something cool.

Fucking pepper I hate you.

2

Calamine lotion and lots of it. Been there, done that.

3

Hubby suggests dishwashing liquid. Don’t ask how he knows.

4

Holy shit dude; major sympathy. And thanks for the heads-up (heh); this means I gotta update the list.

Note to self. Please remember, do not stick your dick in the…

[ul]
[li]Crazy[/li][li]Lawnmower[/li][li]Fan[/li][li]Blender[/li][li]Fax machine[/li][li]Officer’s face[/li][li]Steam engine[/li][li]Jalapano pepper[/li][/ul]
I’m sure I’m missing a few things, but this should keep me somewhat safe.

5

Try some ghost pepper ice cream…

6

Prell does the same thing.

Do they still make Prell? This was in the 70’s.

As for the pepper pain, rub milk on it. The casein will help dissolve the capsaicin.

7

Jalapeño pepper: “I burning your dong!”

8

Automated Cow Milking machine is missing from that list.

9

No, it’s not. He’s only listing the bad things.
ETA: BiffyTES-Bravo.

10

I don’t know, but I’ve been told . . .

That native Alaskan women have certain physical characteristics that could be beneficial to a man in your situation.

11

I’m wincing in pain at the thought of this, and I don’t even have a penis.

12

Dipping in cold whole milk. BRB

13

This = immediate relief

14

Best thread title and OP I’ve seen in a long time…And Biffy, you rock.

15

My husband also suggests this. When we were in high school, he had a job at the local pizza parlor, and one of his duties was chopping jalapenos for topping pizzas. He says, and I quote, “Don’t handle your pecker after handling peppers, unless you wash your hands well first.”

In other pecker related safety tips, he says to tuck first, THEN zip. He says that he zipped before tucking ONCE, and that was enough.

16

Isn’t the thread title from an Emily Dickinson poem?

17

I just know I’m going to regret this, but I can’t help myself. Could the OP please explain, in not too much graphic detail, precisely how his dick and the Jalapeño pepper came to occupy the same space/time? Inquiring minds (OK, nosy Dopers) want to know. (I have ideas, but I prefer to get my information from the source.)

18

…mashed potatoes, if its THAT kind of party?

19

I’m sorry, I tried, but I can’t resist this. You need a date with the Snow Queen: w ww.oglaf.com/snowbound/ Not Safe For Work!

20

If a man chops jalapenos, and that man does not wash his hands thoroughly before urination, and the man holds his dick during urination, that man might find that his dick starts tingling. And burning. And BURNING!!!OMG BURNING!!! according to my husband.