And a better use for a large rubber double-ended dildo I couldn’t imagine. Well, actually, I could, but I won’t. 
This story sort of pales in comparison to the others, but…
I was in my living room, when there was a knock on the door. I opened it a crack, but the salesman must’ve been able to see something because he hesitated, and immediately asked “Have I come at a bad time?”
You see, I was filming a porn movie for my website (not the site in my profile, don’t bother to check). And there was a semi-naked chick on my couch, who had quickly wrapped herself in a towel.
“Yes,” I replied, “You pretty much have.”
“Ooookay. I’ll just leave my number…” and he did, then he left. But I saw him peeking up at my window later on, with a strange look on his face.
Wang-Ka that was, quite possibly, the funniest thing I’ve ever read. And that includes “The Terror of The Blimp.”
And… what WAS the cane for?
Incubus, I’m going out tomorrow and buying a gas can and a pint of whiskey. q;}
Wang-Ka, that was awesome!
I do have to admit, I’ve wondered more than once what it must’ve been like to be Scylla during that insane blimp escapade.
Then again, he didn’t have the cops cruising up and down his street, looking for berserk cutlery-waving blimps, either.
And the cane was Bobo’s. It had a whisky flask in the handle. Ghod knows why he felt the need for a cane with a flask in it, but that’s why he had the thing.
Oh, if only they would do this. In my neighborhood, they just say “Hi, my name’s Bob!” and stick out their hand for me to shake. I stare at it like it’s a dead fish, and make them launch their own spiel, instead of pretending they’re my friend. I say “No thanks” while closing the door at the exact moment they take their first breath. It still takes way too long.
Wang-ka’s post just gets funnier and funnier…
Okay, I have searched and have not been able to find the fabled waterbed thread. A link, Wang-Ka! Your devoted public demands a link!
One of my past girlfriends, Wang-Ka, lived in a neighborhood like yours. A housefull of JWs lived down the block and the street was their main witnessing grounds. She owned two black Labrador retreivers, though, and they (the Witnesses) would shy away from her gate when they (the dogs) would come bounding up. Until this one day.
They must have felt the hand of God upon them or something because they unlatched the gate, then rapidly discovered that the devildogs might knock them down and/or might attempt to lick them to death, but were no real threat otherwise. While they were untangling themselves form the canines, GF had time to get ready for them.
She nipped upstairs, stripped, and grabbed a cornsnake from her collection in the spare bedroom. Bounding back downstairs she snatched an apple from the basket she kept in the kitchen. So, when the door opened to their knock, the JWs beheld a nude woman entwined with a serpent munching on an apple saying, “I’m a bit busy. Can you come back later?” They never did.
Me? I was out getting groceries, dammit.
She dumped me later because I was too dull.
DD
…
…
Damn. That would have been much more entertaining than what I did.
Less likely to draw the cops, too…
OH MY!
Not that I could ever compete with any of the stories in this thread but…
I had this cute 20 something on my porch last autumn trying to sell me his awesome cleaner. (Its sooooo much better than your product here and ONLY 100 dollars!)
He was cleaning his poor little heart out. The rims on my truck looked awesome!
I stood there watching him work thinking “did those rims look like I cared about shiny?”
Then he started in on the BBQ and about how it would be so clean and shiny… I finally said “Its OUTSIDE! I dont care if it is shiny clean. Besides its my hubbys.”
He says " well maybe he cares."
I said " I can wake him and ask but he worked graveyard last night and is REALLY grumpy when woken."
Him: “Umm nooo dont wake him.”
he finallly stalked off when I told him for the fifth time I didnt have the money…
But my favorites are the satellite dish salesmen… I just lead them to my Driveway and point up at the dish…
We have the drunk tree guy, who I’ve nicknamed the Treekiller – not his fault, the neighbors hired him to do it, but he’s taken down every tree from our house down to the corner of the block – who comes by blind shitfaced every month or two and tries to leave a card.
Uh, yeah, right. We’re going to hire a guy who’s so drunk he can barely stand up to go way up high in OUR trees on OUR property with OUR insurance, and handle heavy and potentially lethal power tools.
The scary part, of course, is that the rest of the neighbors DO hire him.
Granted, he’s not up there with the JWs. Those, I just let my dogs jump into the window and scare the living shit out of 'em with their barking. Little do they know that if I DID let the dogs out, they’d just try to lick 'em to death.
I would find the OP amusing, but a gas supplier did actually trick my grandmother into changing suppliers with that sort of spiel. She’s not quite with things anymore, and so got confused, so if I ever get that sort of phone call, or door-to-door salesmen or whatever, I will find it very hard to be civil.
I’m kind of boring, I guess. With phone solicitors I say, “No, thank you.” and hang up.
With door-to-door salespeople I say, “No, thank you.” and shut the door.
With Mormon missionaries, I ask them where they’re from – my sister is a high school teacher in Utah and I figure I might eventually run into a former student of hers, or someone who went to school with my mission-age nieces and nephew. Then I say, cheerfully, “Well, if my sister and her family couldn’t convert me, you aren’t likely to be able to.” and send them on their way.
With Jehovah’s Witnesses (with one exception), I just do the standard, “No, thank you.” thing. Except if they’re using one particular spiel. As many of you know, the JWs have a number of different openers. The one they use that will actually force me to engage them is the one beginning, “We want to speak to you about all the violence in the world today.” When I hear that one I perk up, 'cuz I’m going to have a little fun:
They continue: “Don’t you agree that the world is a much more dangerous place than it ever has been before?”
I reply: “No.”
This really derails them. Apparently most of the people they speak with just automatically agree with at least this part of their presentation. “Uh,” they respond, “you don’t?”
Me: “Nope. Actually I think the world is a safer place and people are healthier than at any time in hisory. There are exceptions, of course, and places on Earth where people are still living in danger and squalor, but overall, no – I certainly don’t think the world is more dangerous than it’s ever been. Far from it.”
Them – struggling to yank the converstion back to their script: “Well… Have you every heard of a man named Noah?”
Me: “Sure.”
Them – cheerful now they’re back on track: “Great! Well, in Noah’s time, the Earth was certainly a very dangerous place.”
Me: “Oh, I’m an atheist. I’ve heard of Noah, of course, but I think his story’s just a fairy tale. Thanks anyway!” and I shut the door.
This takes a few minutes – certainly more time than just saying, “No, thanks” right away, but it’s inexplicably satisfying. It isn’t as cool as Wang-Ka’s story, but I don’t have any swords or dildos in my hall.
One more thing – a couple of weeks ago my husband and teenage son were doing some yard work and my husband told Nick that he thought Jerry Seinfeld had the best method of dealing with telemarketers. Now, usually, I answer the phone and deal with telemarketers as I said above. but a couple of days ago, my son answered the phone to a telemarketer and handed the phone off to his dad, whispering, “Give him the ‘Jerry,’ Dad.” So, Kevin did: “I don’t have time to talk to you right now, why don’t you give me your home number and I’ll call you back tonight?” “No, no, I don’t want you to call me back, I’ll call you, at my convenience. What’s your home number?” and so on – they actually went back and forth for several minutes before the telemarketer hung up. Our boy practically ruptured himself laughing. Kevin’s payoff for this was our son’s proclamation (increasingly rare since he turned 14), “God, Dad. You are the coolest guy in the universe!” Of course, Nick has never met Wang-ka.
Pfffttt!
Couldn’t even outrun a 300-pound woman.
My husband and I have a little fun with callers and door to door types. We’ll let them go through their entire sales pitch, the whole thing no matter how long it is. When they’re done we say “pardon?” and let them go through the whole thing again. Then we’ll say " so let me see if i understand you. You’re trying to sell me something?". At this point they’ll usually just say “forget it” and hang up/leave.
True Story.
A couple weeks ago, an older lady knocks on my door. She starts the, “Ma’am, do you know the Local Paper has many informative articles…” and she looks up. And stops. She says, “Oh, are your parents home?” Now, I’m 32 years old. But I look kinda young. So I say “No, they’re not here right now.” Which was true. They live a couple hundred miles away. And she says she’ll come back later.
She never came back. Strange that.
“Swords and dildos in the hall.”
I like that. I may have to use that somewhere. Maybe as a book title or something.
And Spiff… I didn’t WANNA outrun her. If I got too CLOSE, I would have CAUGHT her, and what was I gonna do with a 300 pound Jehovah’s Witness?
I wanted her to RUN! Run AWAY! Leave! Flee! Amscray! Make like a scale, and go weigh!
“Mission accomplished. Good work, men!”
Last winter, right at dinner time, we had a young college student come by selling the local fishwrapper. I invited hime inside, as it was rather cold out, and as soon as he started his pitch I cut him off, telling him that we would never, ever, under any circumstances, subscribe to that piece of crap excuse for a newspaper.
As we had just sat down to dinner, I invited him to stay and eat with us, and he gladly accepted. ( the two teenage Lyllyadaughters absolutely loved this) We had a pleasant dinner with our new friend, he thanked us profusely and went about his merry way. We saw him occasionally in the neighborhood (still selling papers), and he would always smile and wave as he went by.