Yesterday, Mr. Athena noticed our birdfeeder was gone.
We’ve had this feeder for several years, and it was one of those fancy squirrel-proof ones. It hung about 15’ off the ground, from a tree branch. We raised and lowered it using the rope it hung from, which went over the branch, then down the side of the tree where we secured it by wrapping it around a dohickey the previous owners had pounded into the tree.
“That’s odd,” Mr. Athena thought as he gazed to the spot where the feeder used to be. “Rope must have broken.”
So he investigated. The rope had not broken - in fact, it was lying on the ground next to the tree, the S-hook that held the feeder still attached. But no feeder.
He looked around some more, and noticed scratches on the side of the tree. BIG scratches - the paw that made those were the size of a hand. And then there was a pile of dark black poop a few feet away.
Suddenly, that weird sound we heard in the middle of the night the night before made sense. And the sounds over the past week - sounds like something (a birdfeeder?) was hitting something else (a tree?). We’ve got a bear!
A bear! In our backyard! We’d heard rumors they were around, but this is the first solid evidence in the 4+ years we’ve lived here. Now I wish we had one o’ those motion sensor cameras!
What’s really weird is how the bear got the feeder. As I said, the rope went up and over a pretty good size branch. When we found it, it was on the ground, in one piece, one end still attached to the tree. I know bears are dexterous, but for all the world it looks like he climbed the tree and pulled the rope up with his hands (or mouth), grabbed the feeder, and dropped the rope. Are they that dexterous?
Didn’t you see the video going around? A couple filmed a bear trying to get into their car, they had no idea why, it finally went around to the driver’s door and lifted the handle and opened the door and a bear cub came out. So apparently not only one but two bears managed to open the car door in the conventional way. The inside of their car was totaled because once the bear got in he couldn’t figure out how to get back out or he was frustrated because they hadn’t left the keys in the car.
Y’know, Athena, usually I’d go with the most obvious and sensible explanation (Occam’s Razor and all that), but given the unsparing mendacity of Sciurus carolinensis [A.K.A. the Eastern Grey Squirrel], the most successful and systematic raider of birdseed feeders on the continent, I propose that your backyard was actually raided by a team of clever and daring Sc’s that successfully executed Operation Feeder Edibles Exfiltration Detachment (United Squirrels Service) [FEED USS], entailing [no pun intended] the following stages:
Weeks’ and perhaps months’ worth of reconnaissance missions, to establish data for a comprehensive target vs. risk assessment: the feeder’s structural weaknesses and the infrastructure used in its arboreal suspension, versus the regularity of your feeder-stocking habits, your presence in the backyard, whether the humans living there were known to carry firearms, etc. Apparently they judged the risk was worth it.
The identification of a local third-party animal (i.e., the bear) who, lacking a sophisticated socio-political organization, effective public relations, or community goodwill, would be ideal to play the patsy or fall guy;
A separate recon program to establish the bear’s territory and habits; to simulate its claw marks; and even to appropriate and relocate its stools*;
The assembly and training of the most highly qualified local squirrels into three Squirrel Commando units: the Feeder Edibles Exfiltration Detachment [FEED], the Blame Exportation and Accreditation Regulars [BEAR], and, finally, the Human Uncomprehension, Mis-Information and -Apprehension Nationals [HUMAN]. The FEED commandos made off with your feeder; the BEAR brigade planted the initial red herrings at the scene of the crime; and the HUMAN brigade will continue to wage their guerilla war against you and your feeders. To wit, the squirrel HUMAN forces will likely work to ensure your continued befuddlement over time, to monitor any future activity (and assemble recon data on any future targets) at the site, to crack or disable any anti-squirrel measures implemented in the future, and, if necessary, to neutralize the threat of future human retaliation against the squirrel units by any means necessary.
It is the latter of these activities I would be most worried about. Don’t be fooled by their cute widdle bushy tails; these critters are ruthless and can summon a tremendous degree of courage when taking or defending what they see as theirs. Above all, squirrels are notorious irredents: once they’ve become accustomed to a privilege or territory (like a bird feeder), they never cease fighting to maintain their free access to and even outright possession of it (as the example of your missing feeder). Not even upgrading your feeders from soft targets to “squirrel-proof” will deter these tough, paramilitary rodents.
Perhaps you and your family should consider a carefully staged strategic retreat, especially if you are all civilians with no military experience or hardware…
Re. the Sc’s relocation of bear stool for disinformational purposes, it really isn’t as far-fetched as it may initially seem. With due acknowlegements to Monty Python, a platoon of two or at most three squirrels could, once having located a suitable coconut, strip said coconut of its husk, carry the husk to a fresh bear stool, push the stool onto the husk, grip an edge of the husk (preferably one that doesn’t have so much bear stool on it), drag the husk-with-stool to a location near where the feeder used to be, execute the “jerking a tablecloth out from under a set of dishes” trick on the husk, and then simply run away with the husk (gripped in their front paws) while chattering away in Swedish, the native tongue of many a European immigrant and settler to da UP, eh.
Now that you mention it, we did observe a high degree of squirrel activity over the last few nights. They were of the flying squirrel variety, though. Could they be part of it?
Just for the record, we have not seen moose in the vicinity. But that doesn’t mean they’re not there.
Check out these bear pics. They were taken by, I think, KlondikeGeoff’s daughter. I grabbed them and put them on my Flickr page because they’re so cool! There’s 4 pics of a bear climbing across a rope trying to get to a birdfeeder. Oi!
