Women secretly like being stalked. Harass a woman for long enough, and far from taking out a restraining order, she will will invariably fall for your quirky charm.
As a corollary, what women really like are insecure and devious arseholes: if you’re a really good waitress, you too could land yourself a dysfunctional bigoted dickhead twice your age.
Homosexual men are always completely flaming, and yet inevitably lack personal, let alone sexual, lives of their own. Apart from making amusingly bitchy comments about the decor, they really have nothing better to do than resolve your tangled relationship{s}.
You should never be honest with a cute guy if you did something potentially a little embarrassing that you could share a good laugh and bond over. Far better to lie to him and spend the next six months staging your life as if the lie was the truth.
Your best friend is in love with you.
College kids don’t go to class, never write papers, study or do homework, and spend every moment binge drinking, having/looking for sex and driving around town annoying the locals. And somehow they graduate anyway.
If an incredibly ugly person takes off the eyeglasses, does a hair shake and puts on some stylist clothes, instant breath taking unbelievable beauty will be achieved!
If you’re a female who happens to be overweight, disabled, a lesbian, or a minority, don’t even bother trying. Only straight, thin, pretty white girls are capable of achieving true love. You should just settle for being the wisecracking best friend. :rolleyes:
Although that’s changing in recent years (for some examples, see Beauty Shop, Tortilla Soup, and Go Fish)
If you meet someone (of your appropriate gender preference) at a new job or in a similar new situation and immediately feel extreme dislike of that person, to the point where the two of you begin making nasty comments about each other, you might as well just start screwing each other right now. It’ll save time waiting for the job project/other desperate situation where the two of you have to work together to accomplish something important, during which you share an impassioned kiss immediately after a fight.
And remember the only difficult part of a relationship is falling in love. Once a couple realize they’re in love, they will never have any more problems in their life and will live happily ever after.
Whether or not your spouse is kind, good, and noble, a quick screw with an incredibly hot stranger you know nothing about will lead to Lifelong Passionate Love Beyond Measure.
Your college/ highschool sweetheart who you’ve been dating for 5 years is not “the one”. The sister/best friend/mystery girl/weding planner/mystery girl you’ve been pining over since you were 12 is really “the one”.
People always live well above their means in spacious appartments in the trendiest sections of town.
The more ambitious and successful you are both professionally and with women, the more of a jerk you will be and consequently the less likely you will end up with “the girl”.
If you can’t stand they guy/girl at first, you’ll end up together in the end.
The chance of a relationship succeeding is directly proportional to the cuteness of the meeting.
Every girl has a roommate/best friend/sister who is usually cynical and makes wise cracks about everything, but in the end, tells her she’s crazy not to get together with the guy.
You may have spent the last six months behaving like a total arse, but you will undergo an epiphany about how much you truly love her thirty minutes before she’s due to leave your life forever: one frantic dash across town to the airport, a heartfelt declaration of your feelings, preferably a public one in the pouring rain, and she’s yours. The hardened commuters, their hearts melting as one, will burst into spontaneous applause.
As a corollary, a woman can expect to get an incredibly attractive once-in-a-lifetime job offer which will take her away from her hometown forever: she shouldn’t bother to pack, though, because this is merely a cue for the insane pest who has been persecuting her to realise his true feelings, and what’s the opportunity to have a real life and a shot at success compared with the chance to validate the stalker who publically humiliated you when you were fourteen?
Jesus, wouldn’t you love to see her turn him down at the airport? “Hmmm, the love of a socially inept monomaniac, or the vice-presidency of ReallyBigCorp? Suck it up, loser.”
Old people had sex lives once. This is hilarious, and no romantic comedy is complete without at least one cackling harridan providing a Greek Chorus of lewd comments. Bonus points if she says “fuck”: there’s nothing funnier than a profane old lady.
The Patriot Act, NTSB, Homeland Security, air martials or even the requirement to have a boardign pass does not exist for the airports in romantic comedies.
That last is starting to change, as well. I’ve increasingly seen shows (though not movies that I can think of) that have people buy ‘the cheapest ticket that would get me past security’ to find their one true love at the gate.
A feuding pair who feign disdain for each other will inevitably wind up in an otherwise empty room engaged in a heated argument, their faces six inches apart, with one of them physically hemmed into a corner: this is the cue to suck some face.
Any reasonably attractive woman will, at least once, cause every male in proximity to take embarrasing falls, spills, etc. The converse is rarely true.