My fiancé and I (he’s on this message board) often debate about whether or not women choose their men for the most advantageous reasons in a relationship setting. Society has conditioned women to consciously and subconsciously choose a mate that has qualities of stability over sexual attraction. I realize this is a sweeping claim - and an over-generalization. However, it is prevalent.
I believe this to be a recipe for a very dysfunctional type of relationship. Women from an early age in our society are taught that men are only out for one thing - sex. Sex becomes a tainted, negative word. Women are taught that men are dangerous, lying scum. In fact, the paranoia is so strong that we fear rape nearly every day of our lives, carrying mace and checking our backseats, never parking next to vans, etc.
Women who dress attractively are bordering on being responsible for any harassment they receive, as if even trying to embrace femininity were a crime. There are so many conflicting standards for women in our society - be sexually attractive and yet demure, for instance.
All of this in mind, women end up trying to focus on the moral fiber of a man over the sexual attractiveness of that man, and sexual attractiveness is seen as a shallow, secondary value.
The issue here is that romantic relationships at their core are an arrangement in which two people form trust and intimacy, based around the premise of getting naked and having sex every once in a while. (Hopefully even often!)
My argument is that women, in general, are ending up with emotionally and financially stable men at the expense of their own level of sexual attraction to that man. This is a huge problem.
I believe this is the reason Fifty Shades has so many sequels. Hell, it’s the reason for women looking for fantasy fulfillment in burning through romance novels. Even, I think it’s the reason for a low libido in women with their partners (though there are many other reasons I’m not addressing).
I’m not saying this means women are going to cheat. However, being unfulfilled in a relationship leads to unhappiness for both partners.
I believe women in general end up in a situation resembling this and it leads to henpecking. It’s a bit of a complicated subject, but basically, women are looking for men to challenge them. It’s a prevalent somewhat unconscious behavior, and it gets worse the more the man caves. And, the more the man caves, the more the woman loses respect for him.
I’m definitely not condoning any kind of dominating behavior on either the male or the female’s part. But, I’ve noticed a correlation between sexually dissatisfied women and henpecking. (Basically, I’m pretty sure they just need a good lay.)
On the other hand, part of the issue isn’t the women themselves, as far as this whole relationship dysfunction debacle is concerned. Societally, men are conditioned to think that they have to behave in a very specific self-restrained respectful manner in order to gain a woman’s favor. Partially, that’s all fine and dandy. However, it can end up that the man becomes disinclined to have difficult conversations. It becomes of the utmost concern to keep the woman happy at all costs. In doing so, the man may end up giving up part of his dignity, without even realizing it.
Women realize it.
The sad reality is more often than not, couples end up settling for each other. Unless the man and the woman are exceptionally self-aware and rebuff this seemingly optimal behavior, the best they can hope for is a secure relationship with someone to grow old with who hopefully has sex with them every once in a while.
So here’s the fun part. This is what I’ve been leading up to saying - Fuck that shit.
I may be young (I’m 28), but I’ve learned that first and foremost, sexual attraction needs to be considered when choosing a mate for a relationship. Hotness must come first! (Of course, I’m not trying to say hotness is everything, it just needs to be considered.)
When two people are sexy to one another, something magical happens. Firstly, yeah, you fuck like rabbits. You feel validated and appreciated for your body and looks. Intimacy can form at a deeper level because you haven’t “settled” for someone merely stable.
There seems to be a fear, an extra level of vulnerability, in going for the hot one. There is a lot more at risk in going for something you truly want. A lot of people have severe self-esteem issues holding them back, etc. There’s a fear perhaps that the hot one can cheat on you at any time, easily replace you, etc.
From experience, I highly recommend putting sexual attractiveness as the most vital quality on the list when choosing a relationship partner. Life is only so long and living safe guarantees a lot less exciting an existence. Yes, there is risk. Yes, there is heightened vulnerability. However, the level of primal intimacy I experience cannot be matched.
I find myself not wanting for anyone else, and cannot imagine getting bored. We have sex in some form nearly every day, and have been together for nearly three years. I took a giant risk dating the sexiest person I had ever laid eyes on. Yes, there are ups and downs. But there is intense intimacy. I believe a lot of the intimacy is due to the primal, honest sexuality we share.
People are intensely social. We are intensely dependent on one another for survival and support. We cannot exist in a state of aloneness. And on top of that, people are extremely sexual beings. A lack of a healthy sex life can easily lead to depression and (I strongly think) other mental issues.
With the intense sexual intimacy, I am driven to be as honest as possible with my partner. There is an “intimacy addiction.” We have had the most honest conversations most couples shy away from or are afraid they cannot survive having.
I cannot say that everything about my happiness is due to a perfect sex life with this sex god, but being in a sexually satisfying relationship with someone I am actually attracted to has provided me stability and fulfillment in a way I do not think many find. There is no need to choose between “hot” or “stable.”
I think, just to summarize, that a lot of women believe it’s one or the other, and never take that leap at true happiness. I think it is short-sighted to think all hot men are “assholes” and all kind men are “nice guys.” (“Nice guys” being a secretly bitter group of men who act respectful to win women. A stereotype.)
I guess my giant ramble is mostly to try to persuade people to believe having it all is possible (and even necessary to actual happiness with another person).
