Things I shouldn't say in front of my Sunday School class

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Okay, I have second and third graders in my Sunday School class. Every one of them, I can tell, are future Dopers, 'cause they have minds that work like ours, sad to say.

Today’s lesson was out of the first chapter of Mark, about Jesus being baptized by John in the Jordan river. After the heavens open, the Spirit comes down in the form of a dove. So I ask the class, “What would have thought about the bird? I’ll bet* I* would have said ‘don’t fly over me’, or ‘Get away, get away’!” or something like that."

I should have known better. One little hand shoots up. "Yes, N—? " says I.

“I went to the zoo one time and a bird pooped on my head!”

So everyone else’s hands start going up, and you guessed it, they all had bird poop stories. It seems bird poop is really funny to kids that age.

We finally got out of that…mess… and proceeeded to one of their favorite activities. I work up these intersecting word puzzles on the chalk board, and clues come out of that days Bible lesson, direct out of scripture. Today it ended up boys vs. girls. But there were eleven words, so I told them that if the teams were even after the tenth word, we’d have to have a “sudden death” playoff, so that both sides had an equal chance. “What’s sudden death?” asks J------. The other teacher answers with “It’s a tiebreaker”

The latter would have been a better choice, because the boys anyway really seemed to like the sound of **“SUDDEN DEATH!!!” ** I kept hearing it all through the game.

When will I ever learn? Last year it was** “Off with their heads!” ** when we did the skit I wrote about the story of Esther. One boy(the one who would be king Xerxes, and use that phrase) came out of the room when class was over, repeating it again and again. It was his favorite line, and when his parents heard it they got on him, and I had to explain it was okay, just part of his act.

I like all my kids, but since I never had any of my own I have to keep learning what catches their attention.

2

I remember a comedian (Flip Wilson?) used to say

I’ve seen this spoken before a group of kids and after that it was all about The Devil made me Do IT all day long.

On a more serious note, please don’t say something like “There is no Santa Claus” as I have heard about in class rooms and Sunday Schools. There was a big, and somewhat heated, Thread on this around the Holidays.

3

The holy trinity of kid humour, Sunday school setting or otherwise: poo, bum, wee. Even if you don’t see the connotation, one of the little angels will…

4

The handbell choir I play with knows more than we want to about what one of our oldest members wears to bed. She said (and I quote) “I don’t normally wear anything to bed”

“Whoa!” says the director “I think that may be more than we wanted to know”

“Well, I mean besides a nightgown”

Apparently the relatives which she had just finished visiting had kept the house so cold that she’d worn a sweatshirt over her nightgown to keep warm.

5

I don’t have to say anything about Santa. We do St. Nicholas Day early in December, and the guy dressed like St. Nick gets to explain where the big guy comes from! :smiley: And I’ll bet we’re one of the few congregations with a teeny weeny Santa on one of our stained glass windows!

6

I just wet myself laughing at this turn of phrase! :smiley:

7

Poop stories are like crack to seven, eight and nine year old boys. Just be greatful there are no Bible stories (well, that I know of) that involve making armpit noises. :smiley:

8

When I taught 6th grade Sunday school–we were just as snarky.

We did Moses and the Pharoah etc–we (the co-teacer and I; we billed ourselves as the Eleanor and Mary Show) brought in a Time magazine article that showed the geography of the region and the discovery that manna may well have been (what exactly eludes me–this was 7 years ago).

Anywa, we got on to the plagues and Pharoah and the Exodus etc–I said, “God apparently isn’t marketing things well, here, is he?” once they were all wandering in the desert.

Sadly (?) the kids knew exactly what I meant, and we had a good discussion. I am sure some of the more conservative parents would have been disapproving, but…

Then there was the time we put on the Easter play and we get to the bit where the stone is rolled back and of course, Jesus is gone. The girl who was looking for Jesus started ad libbing at this point: " Oh, Jesus! Come out, come out wherever you are!"

I half expected her to start with “olly olly oxen, free, free, free!”
:slight_smile:

9

It doesn’t get better as we get older, I’m afraid. Our new choir direcctor was franctically trying to put together our annual Christmas dessert theatre presentation on a pretty tight timeline. At one rehersal, he was telling us of a time a different church where one of the actors had missed a cue and left the director on stage alone for some time while holding a piece of fruit in his hand. We weren’t using fruit as props in this play, but he was illustrating a point. He concluded the story with “So don’t miss this cue because I don’t want to be left in front of all those people holding my banana!”. Naturally, the choir disintegrated into howls of laughter and the music minister turned a lovely shade of Christmas red.

After our final performance the pastor came onstage to praise the director, cast and choir. He then took a banana out of his coat pocket, handed it to the director and said “I’ve been told this is yours”.

10

there was a time when my step-brother, step sister and I were all at that age where farts are funny. Admittedly, it was mainly my brother, and despite growing up (i use the term loosely) he still does.

One family Sunday dinner, us children were giggling about said topic, while the adults were doing there best to ignore it. Unfortunately, it came to the point where my grandmother, the Nazi of the table manners world (although actually a very nice person), was so exasperated she said in her most menacing voice:

“will. you. PLEASE let it drop”

the adults couldn’t keep a straight face, she turned red. We still laugh about it at Christmas. Although admittedly were pretty boring and don’t have alot to talk about.

So, letting one rip, definitely a no-no.