Here’s my list. Yay.
The Boy Scout Rule
The Protaganist is always prepared for every eventuality, and like some freakish magician, they can pull bungee cords/marbles/a blank floppy/a petri dish out of their ass. Some flagrant examples of this are in MI:2. First, during the lab fight, he blows out a wall and parachutes out. The (@#%? And later on, while inside the guy’s island lair, for some reason he has a mask of himself, of the bad guy’s second in command, and the second in command’s voice chip. And you don’t see him bringing those along when he first enters. I wonder…
The Half-Life Rule
The nerdiest reporter or the geekiest 10 year old can quickly master the usage of all type of firearms. Meanwhile, the average SWAT Officer, Military Grunt, or Police Chief couldn’t hit a skyscraper with a sniper rifle. So named because in Half-Life, Gordon Freeman the random scientist was able to wipe out squads of commandos with a vast array of weapons, but all the security officers were useless pansies.
The Two Table Rule
One of the most annoying things of all. This works by having two sides hiding behind different pieces of cover- Often overtipped tables. And one side will pop up, and fire shots randomly, then duck back down. And as soon as that side has ducked back down, the other side jumps up and shoots the air. Hey, moron, how about waiting until the other side gets up before shooting? Or shooting him behind the table?
The Eddie Rule
As if 72-size fonts and absurdly colorful GUIs on everything including a UNIX box(Why the hell would UNIX have a Graphical Interface?), there’s the problem of the synthesized voice. Instead of the screen printing out data, some voice, which is %99.9999 of the time feminine, will say something in a perfect synthesized voice. Odd, all the voice technology I’ve seen sounds like drunk Norweigans[/douglasadams]. Either every piece of software has been granted top of the line voice technology, or some random woman decided to read every word in the dictionary. (So named for Eddie the Computer in HHGTG, the computer who wouldn’t shut up)
The Solitude Rule
When we see one of the characters by themself doing a mundane action, such as brushing their teeth, combing their hair, or reading a book that is not vital to the plot(See below), one of two things is inevitable.
- The phone will ring, and it will be someone important with a vital piece of news.
- The door will open, and the character’s friend/sibling/spouse/stalker will enter the scene.
The Good Readin’ Rule
Whenever a piece of vital knowledge is placed inside a book that the characters must read, the knowledge will either be summed up with one or two sentences in the very center of the book, or else the nerdiest of characters will slowly work their way through the book throughout the course of the movie, only finishing before the great final plan/the climax.
The Cop Car Rule
During a chase with cops, the cops are just riding behind the front car without any goal in mind. Even if they caught up, what would they do? You only see car ramming between the Protaganist and the Antaganist. And for some reason, the cops never try to set up road blocks. In those rare cases that they do, it’s just a flimsy block of wood and some officers who jump out of the way when the car approaches(Minimum distance: 4 miles).
The Cat Fight Rule
If there’s a woman with love interest for the Protaganist, and some sort of bitchy Dominatrix in leather working for the Villian, they will have a fight. And while the latter is some sort of ninja or expert in fighting, the random blonde will be able to kick her ass, often with a smug one-liner at the end along the lines of “Go to hell, BITCH!”
The Stupidity/Mortality Rule
The goofier the Protaganist’s supporting character is, the less chance he’ll have to die. Furthermore, the stupider he is, the more likely he’ll end up saving the day somehow.
The One at a Time Rule
When a hero is surrounded by a legion of death ninjas or some such, the death ninjas, instead of swarming the hero and beating the living bejeezus out of him, decide to move in one or two at a time, while the others just sit there like props. In addition, the first two to attack will attack with their fists, then perhaps nunchucks and quarterstaffs will come into play, then knives and throwing stars, then the last few guys will use firearms. Which brings me to the next point…
The Ammunition Rule
Unless in the scene before a gunfight you see the character specifically pocketing one, no one has any backup clips. When the ammunition in a firearm is used up, whoever is holding it will click it a few times, then throw it away in disgust. This does not seem to be as big a problem with shotguns, which tie into the next rule…
The Shotgun Rule
Actual people are never shot with shotguns. They can be held at gunpoint, or have a shotgun fired into the ceiling above their head, but they are never hit with the actual weapon. Why the people bring it in the first place, God only knows.
The Crescendo Rule
If any amount of teenagers are alone, and there is building music, that can only mean the killer is going to approach. This is often combined with a first-person view of the killer, with a hissing noise of breathing(Better use your inhaler, buddy). The killer will either strike a target, pop up behind the teenager(s), or drop down from the ceiling when the music reaches the climax.
Okay… bye now
