A friend of mine – we’ll call him “Jeff”* – has been applying to law schools recently, and asked for me and another friend to read through his “Personal Statement” to see if we could make it sound a little better. A week and about twenty versions later, we had a version we were all happy with. Inevitably, however, there were some approaches suggested which perhaps would not have produced the best result. And I can think of no better place to share the mundane and pointless waste product of our creative processes.
Here then, for your enjoyment, are the Top 15 Rejected Lines from Jeff’s Law School Essays:
Now that I have been clean and sober after 10 years of drunken stone debauchery, I want to become a lawyer.
All I need to learn about being a lawyer I learned on the Internet.
I am enclosng reference letters from prominent attorneys Johnnie Cochran and C. Vernon Mason and well known citizens O.J. Simpson and William Kennedy Smith.
I’ve been recently banned for life from trading on the NY Stock Exchange. To make restitution to all the people I owe judgements to, I need to start another career, and after observing my attorney, I thought being a lawyer would be a good fit.
My plan is to make a specialty out of suing incompetent lawyers, like ones who would review an application like this one and not recommend acceptance.
What can I say? I just love to stick it to people, chuckle as they wriggle on the end of the blade, and win, win, win!!
Hell, I’ll argue that it’s okay to throw live hand grenades at kids in a schoolyard if you pay me enough.
I figure the best path to world domination is through the legal system. For a while at least. Once I get control of enough political and military power… well, let’s just say Shakespeare had it right about lawyers.
I know loads about law - I’ve read everything by John Grisham.
I’m already bald so the wig would come in useful.
When I was younger I wanted to right wrongs, fight injustice, and change the world for the better. Then I grew up and decided to be a lawyer instead.
I’m applying to be a solictor in the UK, after years of experience soliciting in America.
Lord Hutton is my role model for impartiality and accurate analysis.
I have the genes to be a great lawyer - my family and I argue all the time.
[thorny issue]
Samson was so wrong. Instead of pretending to have the baby halved, he should have declared it a ‘faked cot death’ risk and sent it off to be brought up by strangers.
When answering the essay question “What has been your greatest setback in life?”, try including the explanation “the bitch set me up” somewhere in your response.
I like the idea of using children for leverage against a spouse in a divorce hearing.
Because I think I can be President of the United States, and help define the word “is”. And my wife can live in a state for a week, and be elected to the Senate.
Because I truly do think that $200,000 is an appropriate amount to pay for suffering when my client spills coffee all over her crotch whilst driving.
Because I have a small penis and a sportscar, and I like making money.
Because I enjoy the thought of litigating Christmas away from orphanages.
Hanging out with (and defending) Mob guys like John Gotti sounds like fun!
-Stealing estates from senile widows is an easy way to make a buck!
-Soliciting clients on TV (see James Sokolove, ESQ.) sounds like easy work!
-Billing people $500.00 for a 5-minute phone call…man, thta’s the way to make money!
Finally, wearing $5000.00 Brioni suits and having a nicely-furnished office beats painting house for aliving!
Every lawyer I’ve talked to says I could not beat this rap if I were my own lawyer. I want to prove them wrong.
I’m going to pretend to defend (certain groups)*, but we know they all are guilty and I’ll see they get put in. *insert the worst word you can think of for a group designated by race, color, creed, religion, or sexual orientation).
Um, that was just an example of what not to write, getting your Biblical personages mixed up, really it was. nods sagely with fingers crossed behind back
