Things that will never stop being funny. Ever.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

That’s great! I lament the move to the text-less instructions on air hand dryers because it meant the loss of one of the U.S.'s greatest cultural traditions – the fact that you could go into a restroom in any state of the country and see:

  1. Press butt
  2. Rub hands gently under arm
  3. Stops automatically
  4. Wipe hands on pants.

You may think I’m kidding, but I’m really not. Given the cultural melange that is the United States (certainly one of our greatest strengths), it’s exceedingly rare to see a meme that crosses so many state lines, at least one that does so without being on television. Language, ethnicity, humor, morals, and religion changes dramatically wherever you go in America, but no matter where you were from the '70’s to the early '90’s, someone with a sharp object had scraped “Wipe hands on pants” on the hand dryer.

–Cliffy

22
  1. Push butt.
  2. Rub hands under arm hair.

Gets me every time.

23

A sure-fire way to crack me up is to catch someone in a “deez nuts” joke. You can do this several ways.

  1. The easy way.
    LOU: So, did you talk to whats-her-name?
    THE MARK: Who?
    LOU: Deeeeeez nuuuuuuts!
    THE MARK: Oh ha ha, real mature.
    LOU: Bwah ha ha!

  2. The musical gambit.
    LOU: What do you like better, cassettes or CDs?
    THE MARK: CDs, of course!
    LOU: See deez nuts!
    THE MARK: Dammit, when am I gonna stop falling for that?

If you know someone named “Dee,” the hilarity never has to end!

24

I must admit, Yakov Smirnoff’s “In Russia…” schtick still cracks me up too. At this point it’s such a tired old cliche (continued by The Simpsons and the 'Net), but it still brings a goofy grin to my face every time. “Here in America, you watch TV, but in Soviet Russia, TV watches YOU! Here we wash dishes, but in Soviet Russia, dishes wash you!” It doesn’t even have to make sense to be fried comedy gold.

25

I’ve usually seen it as:

  1. Press butt
  2. Rub hands gently under arm hair
  3. Stops atomically
    WIPE HANDS ON PANTS
26

I love dropping a “deez nuts” in unexpectedly.

Another great “mens room” trick, writing, “This gum tastes awful.” on the condom machine.

Or, “For refund, insert baby.”

27

Speaking of signs in restrooms, I remember one that struck me funny based on what someone had written under it. It was on a paper towel dispenser, and I think it was geared towards the employees. It was saying you should wash your hands well because human fecal matter can cause disease if put in food and consumed, etc. Underneath this someone had written “I AM HUMAN FECAL MATTER.” Don’t know why, or what the reasoning was, but it’s kinda funny.

28

Under the “employees must wash hands” sign I once saw where someone wrote “you customers should wash hands too”.

While “push butt… under arm hair” has been done to death, there are also dryers that use pictures instead of words. But of course, our vandals aren’t so easily stopped. No, you’ll find a crudely-drawn pair of legs with the finger pointing to the obvious location. :rolleyes:

29

I liked the comeback graffiti:
Original post read My mother made me a homosexual.

Underneath that, someone else wrote If I send her the yarn, will she make me one, too?

30

Ducks. For some reason Og made Ducks to be funny, funny beak, funny walk, funny quack.

31

Did you start in a DePaul men’s room last year?

32

I don’t get the whole “deez nutz” thing at all. Could someone explain it for the benefit of the slow-witted?

33

Well, the first time I heard it, was Snoop Sogg saying it on “Doggy Style”.

He’s talking to a girl on the phone and says “something something deez”. And she says, “Deez who?” and he says, “Deeeez nuts.”

He also references “deeez nuts” in some songs.

It was sometime after then that we’d try to work “deez nuts” into various conversations. either through a similar trick, or just finding a funny time to use it.

Basically, a juvenile thing akin to “circling” or “pulling of the finger” or anything like that.

34

Snoop Dogg, not Sogg.

35

My all-time favourite public bathroom graffiti was written at the bottom of a stall door and said, “Beware of limbo dancers”

36

More timeless juvenilia.

  1. Gluing a coin to the pavement then hiding to see all the people who bend down to pick it up.

  2. Once upon a while ago, I worked at a place where we often used to send photos and similar ‘valuable’ documents out to people. We had special re-enforced envelopes bearing the pre-printed message: PHOTOS - DO NOT BEND. It was great fun, underneath this message, to scribble “They do if you try hard enough”.

  3. On the London tube train system there is a station called Oval. There is an auto-bot voice that tells everyone the name of the next station coming up. Whenever the voice intones, “The next station is Oval” I will always turn to whomever I’m with and say, “No it isn’t, it’s the same shape as all the others.”

  4. When men go to give blood, the nurse asks “Have you had sex with another man?”. The ‘joke’ answer is, “No, and how did you find out about the first one?”.

  5. Some time ago, when Brits went to visit Australia, the immigration people would ask “Do you have a criminal record?”, to which the standard joke answer was, “I’m terribly sorry, I had no idea one was still necessary.” Sadly, the officials don’t ask this any more, but we Brits enjoy telling the anecdote anyway.

37

For me, the eternal humor is cows falling from the sky. Text, pictures, movies - it doesn’t matter, as long as the event is unexpected both to the cow and the observer (or landee).

38

They’re probably tired of the witnesses telling this story, so if you see this, E., don’t kill me, okay?

We were at the karaoke bar. Some chick was singing the Theme from Fame. Naturally, my friends (a couple) got up to dance around dramatically a la the Fame kids. And then, as the girl yelled out “FAME!” in the chorus, they each leaped into the air - and smashed right into each other.

I’m not sure I’ve ever laughed that hard in my life. I’m still laughing, and that was months ago. We’ve tried to get them reenact it, but they refuse, saying it was a perfect storm of klutziness that can never be duplicated.

39

I also love how, in certain comedies, there’s the “nobody catches the stage-diver” routine.
You can see it coming a mile away. Fat/unpopular/other-cliche is getting all ready to go, works himself up, charges, goes airborne…
(cue screeching of record)
(enter authority figure)

“WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?!?!?!”

(thump)

It’s never, EVER a surprise, yet I always laugh.

40

I used to have a friend who insisted I tell this joke at every social occasion we were at together. He’d cackle out loud and practically roll on the floor whenever I told it. He even named a drink after it.

The joke:

There was this bus driver who had the Sesame Street route. At his first stop, a fat chick gets on and says, “Hi, my names Patty, and I’m obese.” He tells her to go the back of the bus.

At the next stop, another fat chick gets one and says, “Hi, my name’s Patty, and I’m obese.” He tells her to go to the back of the bus.

At the next stop, this dude gets on and says, “Hi, I’m Ross, and I’m special.” So the bus driver lets him sit up front.

The stop after that, a kid gets on and says “Hi, I’m Leonard Peace.” The driver says for him to go to the back of the bus with the two Pattys.

As the bus is travelling along, Leonard takes off one of his shoes and starts picking at his bunions. One of the Pattys sees this and lets out a scream. The bus driver turns around to see what the matter is, and then crashes into a light pole.

The police arrive, investigate the accident, then proceed to lecture the bus driver on the importance of driving safety. The bus driver replies, “Look, gimme a break. I’ve had a tough day. I had two obese Pattys, special Ross, and Leonard Peace picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!”