Things that will never stop being funny. Ever.

[Annie-Xmas]

@Knowed Out

I used to have a friend who insisted I tell this joke at every social occasion we were at together. He’d cackle out loud and practically roll on the floor whenever I told it. He even named a drink after it.

The joke:

There was this bus driver who had the Sesame Street route. At his first stop, a fat chick gets on and says, “Hi, my names Patty, and I’m obese.” He tells her to go the back of the bus.

At the next stop, another fat chick gets one and says, “Hi, my name’s Patty, and I’m obese.” He tells her to go to the back of the bus.

At the next stop, this dude gets on and says, “Hi, I’m Ross, and I’m special.” So the bus driver lets him sit up front.

The stop after that, a kid gets on and says “Hi, I’m Leonard Peace.” The driver says for him to go to the back of the bus with the two Pattys.

As the bus is travelling along, Leonard takes off one of his shoes and starts picking at his bunions. One of the Pattys sees this and lets out a scream. The bus driver turns around to see what the matter is, and then crashes into a light pole.

The police arrive, investigate the accident, then proceed to lecture the bus driver on the importance of driving safety. The bus driver replies, “Look, gimme a break. I’ve had a tough day. I had two obese Pattys, special Ross, and Leonard Peace picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!”

That joke won $67,000 in a radio joke contest. The original final kid was called “Lester G”

[Shirley_Ujest]

Puppies trying to run a straight line to someone and the other tackles it’s littermates and they all wrestle until they remember they have to get somewhere.

Never fails to crack me up.

Dogs wrestling and romping. Get me a lawn chair and I can watch them all day. Even better when there is a young upstart dog barking at an older dog who waits patiently to give the younger dog his own special brand of whoop ass.

[Agrippina]

Cats who make clumsy moves. Cats are usually under control that when they do fall off of something it’s hilarious.

[JThunder]

“And don’t call me Shirley!”

[Beadalin]

People slipping on ice.

Cats jumping to land on something and missing (I have unusually clumsy cats).

My mom’s Donald Duck voice.

[wonky]

Something I’ve seen three times in my life that makes me hysterical with laughter every time:

Someone’s umbrella turning inside out.

I can’t explain why I think it’s so funny. I just do.

[SolGrundy]

“That’s what she said!”

Always funny. Always.

[Cunctator]

@ianzin

5. Some time ago, when Brits went to visit Australia, the immigration people would ask “Do you have a criminal record?”, to which the standard joke answer was, “I’m terribly sorry, I had no idea one was still necessary.” Sadly, the officials don’t ask this any more, but we Brits enjoy telling the anecdote anyway.

I know a customs officer at Sydney airport and she tells me that gormless Britons still trot out this distinctly worn-out piece of whimsy on a regular basis, always with an air of originality as if they were the first to think of it. Sometimes for amusement the customs officers run a book on how long it will be on any given day before they first hear it.

[AngelicGemma]

@ianzin

More timeless juvenilia.

1. Gluing a coin to the pavement then hiding to see all the people who bend down to pick it up.

At school, the library was on the ground floor and had one-way glass. It was perfect for this trick.

[rpinrd]

Two of my favorite old standards from America’s Funniest Home Videos:

1. Women fighting over the bouquet at a wedding - especially good if one or more of the combatants ends up on the floor with her dress around her waist, and
2. Crotch shots, nothing but crotch shots. I’ve seen one segment where they run something like 35 crotch shots in 30 seconds. I was practically in hysterics. And I’m a guy, so the laughter is mixed with a significant amout of wincing.

[Ashes_Ashes]

Nekkid men running. The more nekkid men, the funnier. As a bonus, you can also be fascinated by the sheer variety.

[Tentacle_Monster]

Ashes, Ashes: I don’t want to link to anything potentially unworksafe, so I’ll just tell you to Google “a heap of trouble” (with quotes) and click on the link that says “ZeD - Acquisition - Heap of Trouble” (without quotes).

And I think the emphatic fart will always be funny. That is, a fart saved and used for emphasis in a sentence. For example:

“I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America. phrrrt And to the republic…”

[Roadfood]

When I return to some place and the person who remained there remarks, “You’re back.” I never get tired of responding, “No, this is my front,” <turning around> “This is my back.”

[Oy]

Almost 30 years later, the line “As God is my witness, I could have *sworn * turkeys could fly!” still cracks me up.

[Podkayne]

@rpinrd

Two of my favorite old standards from America’s Funniest Home Videos . . .

More AFHV classics: any clip involving a little kid denying having done something naughty when smeared from head to toe with evidence, e.g. cake and frosting, lipstick, magic marker, etc.

[Hostile_Dialect]

@Alias

I’m going to describe this badly, but it’s hilarious to me. At my local taco bell, there is an electric hand dryer in the bathroom with an illustration showing how to use the dryer. The warm air is depicted in the picture as red, wavy lines coming out of the dryer into the person’s hands. Underneath this someone has written “Press button, receive bacon.” Cracks me up every time I see it. So much, in fact, that I’m tempted to carry a sharpie marker everywhere I go so that I can write it on hand dryers everywhere.

I am about to implement this fantastic suggestion at my school as we speak.

Oh, and: the animation called “Rejected” by Don Hertzfeldt. Find it and watch it. It’s a requirement.

[Alice_The_Goon]

I actually wait for someone to ask me if I’m comfortable, so then I can trot out my old favorite: “I make a living.” Har har! I think that’s so damn funny! And I always will. I got to use it this weekend, and I laughed my ass off.

[Shalmanese]

When someone is leaning back, balancing on 2 legs of a chair. You give a subtle jerk on the chair leg, just enough to scare them, not enough to tip them over. I always crack up when I do it.

Also, when you are chatting with someone and you can see someone else approaching from behind their back. Just as they enter earshot, you ask the person your talking to what their opinion on the guy approaching is. Occasionaly, hilarity ensues.

[Wile_E]

I always burst out laughing when watching kittens play and they do that thing where they hunch up their back and do the sideways crab hop, trying to look all fierce.

[Mirror_Image_egamI_rorriM]

There’s a mail box in the foyer of a movie theater that I sometimes go to that is supposed to say AIRBORNE EXPRESS, but someone vandalized it to say PORN EXPRESS by peeling off the vinyl letters. It’s excellent.