My daughter is three months old. She watches people’s faces when they talk to her and tries to mimic them. She can say “hello” already.
Oh dear Lord, I have an exceptionally bright and curious child. What the hell is she going to get up to when she becomes ambulatory? She’ll be gluing her toys to the cat and giving herself Crayola tattoos. You people have convinced me that leg irons are the only way to go.
I remember when my son was around three, he took all of my collectibles out of my curio cabinet and put them in the kiddie pool on the porch that had about two inches of water still in it.
There were about 50 of them. He must have gone back one by one for over an hour.
I was reading in the next room and heard him playing so nicely with something, happy that I was getting a little peace and quiet.
Learned my lesson that day.
Yeah, it’s the quiet playing that demands your full attention!
Nothing to see here, sorry.
The Littlest Briston has become quite obessed with Obama lately, every since she heard on the news that “he’s giving me my next present!”
Ours is an Obamaniac, too. Yesterday, upon seeing an American flag: “'Is dat Obama’s?” Last week when her dad wore a suit for a job interview, I said, “Doesn’t Daddy look handsome?” and she nodded solemnly and said, “Like Obama…and Jon Stewart!” 
I was picking my 1 and 3-year-old up from their babysitter once. While we were in the driveway, my daughter (the 3-year-old) discovered a plant covered with colorful beetles. I left her to look at it while I put her brother in his carseat. After she had climbed into the car, I happened to glance back at the plant. No beetles. Somehow, with that parent’s intuition, it came to me where to look for them. She had loaded them all into her pockets.
Gardening. My first mistake 
I saw a little fuzzy caterpillar and showed to my two year old daughter. I went back to gardening with her looking it when I hear:
“Mama, now I have two!”.
RIP, little caterpillar
When my daughter was two, she decided to have a “picnic with the dogs” and proceeded to empty out the refrigerator.
When I was in high school, I went to a summer writing camp. At the end, all the parents and families came to watch us read something we’d written during our time at the camp.
My brother was 3.
He was sitting between my mom and I while I waited for my turn to go up and read. Suddenly, he lets out a really loud fart. (Why are toddler burps and farts bigger than they are?) Everyone around us starts giggling. Then he says “Excuse me!!” really loud–can easily be heard in the auditorium, over the person reading their work. I try to shush him, and he gets indignant. “But I’m sposed to say Excuse ME! when I fart!” At this, the person reading stumbles over their words, chuckles, and continues. I look over at my mom for help, who has a beet red face from just managing to hold back her laughter. I try again to shush him, whispering that it’s great that he said excuse me, but he should be quiet now, because someone’s reading. He had to have the last word and says, “Excuse me!” one last time.
First off, to the OP…YIKES!
My sister has twin girls, and one of them did something like that at about 2 in the morning. My sister heard water running and running, and got up to find 2 year old Megan, washing her favorite stuffed animal in the tub. The worst part, after being scared, shocked, mad, whatever…was that Megan couldn’t be without the animal. So, they spent the next hour or two, waiting for him to dry in the dryer before they could get back to bed.
My nephew(different sisters kid) announced this to a room full of people when he was about 3. “I have a penis, and it has one eye. It likes looking at girls.” :eek:
Needless to say, he is 18 now, and still feels the same way. 
My own son hasn’t scared me too much, but does do some odd things. Like the time he found some make-up samples that came in the mail, and got himself all made-up. He was four. The funny part…He did a good job, and I don’t even wear make-up, so he has never seen me apply it! My pretty boy.
And one time he came downstairs after a nap wearing this. Such a funny boy. I guess he likes formal sleep attire.
And two Easters ago, when he was 3, he found a use for a ribbon that came around a chocolate bunny. Here he is again.
Yes, I always have my camera handy. And I will probably be sitting down with his prom date showing her(or him?) these photos some day.
This reminds me of an honor society induction ceremony for the kids the year behind me in school. The faculty member who ran honor society was huge into cermony, and made all of us, even those who weren’t new, come in the day before to practice the candle lighting ceremony.
So it gets to be the the actual ceremony, and she’s pleased because we’re doing everything exactly right. There’s no noise from the audience, until a tiny voice pips up in the silence: “happy birthday to you…”
I like this one the best. It just hits me as funny. I think I’d be trying to suppress a giggling fit when the kid did that.
Not my kid, but daughter of friends - cast of characters: John - the father, Bonnie, the daughter, Noah, the son.
My husband was talking boat stuff with John when Bonnie (who was 3 or 4 at the time) came and stood in front of him. She informed my spouse “Daddy has a penis and Noah has a penis but *I *have a vagina!” Then she turned and walked off, just as pleased as she could be with herself.
My middle daughter, Sarah, was a doozy at 2ish/3ish. One day she went into the laundry room and poured a gallon over all the clothes neatly separated into piles on the floor. Bye-Bye most of our wardrobe. I was trying to wash up the salvageable bits when she tossed a purple sparkly crayon into the dryer when I wasn’t looking. whimper.
A gallon of bleach? Oh, man.:smack:
I learned the most important lesson of early parenthood, Quiet Children Are Dangerous, when my son was about 2 and we were visiting friends who have a son several months older. The boys headed off together in the direction of the other boy’s bedroom, and we sat around chatting for a while, figuring that the kids were playing. We got up after about 10 minutes to check on the boys and found the bedroom empty. A little investigation found them in the bathroom: the other boy was dipping the toilet brush into the toilet water and then flicking it over my son, and they had been at it long enough that he was soaking wet. They were both as happy and pleased with themselves as they could be!
My brother-in-law is married to a Jewish woman and they are raising their children in that faith. Every year, they visit my husband’s parents for December vacation/Christmas and, if Chanukah falls during their visit, they bring the menorah along and light the candles each night. Last year, we were over one of the nights they were lighting candles and my son started singing Happy Birthday. Luckily, we steered him away before he blew them out!
Once, I told my 2-year-old to give my 1-year-old something to play with while I ran out to the end of our front walk to fetch my kindergartener off the school bus.
He did. He gave him a dozen eggs.
That child was covered in raw eggs, eggshells, and was happily smashing them into his hair, the living room furniture, and his brother.
My first thought on that was no poisoning or burned out lungs or eyes. Count their blessings.
