Things With My Grandparents Have Come to a Head (Long)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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Mom’s parents, both in their mid-80’s, live an hour away, next door to my grandmother’s sister & brother-in-law (my great-aunt & -uncle).

My grandfather has senile dementia; he can’t wash/feed/dress/toilet himself without a large amount of prodding & assistance. This has been the case for at least a year. My grandmother has insisted that he not go into a nursing home - she’s been caring for him as best she can.

My parents just recently got her to agree to having a home health aide in for a couple hours a night. Other than that, the only help she gets is from my great-uncle, who occasionally “watches” Grandpop while she runs quick errands, & my mother (an only child), who drives out there one day every weekend to assist her. My father, sister & I pick up the stuff at home. It’s been stressful on my family, especially Mom.

So, today I get home from class at 1:30 to this gem of news from my sister: my great-uncle just called to let us know that my grandmother’s in the hospital, he’s watching Grandpop, & that she (my sis) should call Mom at work & tell her to go over to my grandparents’ home ASAP. He didn’t say what the ailment was.

So, Sis called my mother at work & told her to come home, which she did immediately. Mom packed an overnight bag, changed clothes, & drove out there. Turns out that Nana has two fractured hips. My mother said that even though Nana’s had swelling & pain in her lower extremities for the past six months, her legs had been particularly bothering her for about a week, but she never said anything like, “Gee, I think something might be very wrong here”

She was freaking tottering around on one of my old walkers with two fractured hips because she knew if she went to the hospital, things would fall apart.

And fall apart they have. Oh baby, have they.

My grandmother either had surgery tonight (I think so) or is tomorrow morning (I think not). Either way, she’s completely out of commission for at least a week & won’t ever be back to where she was pre-surgery - she’s 85!

The most immediate concern is, what to do with my grandfather this weekend. We can’t just pull a weekend aide out of our asses. People who wanna work weekends on no notice are hard to come by. My mother will have to stay out there all weekend. Dad’s heading out there tomorrow morning - he told my sister & I that we’d be better off staying home & doing housework & schoolwork.

As for a more immediate, long-term plan…

No hospitals will give Grandpop a bed 'cause he doesn’t need medical treatment. He has dementia, but he’s not sick sick. There’s nothing they could do for his dementia that would qualify as treatment.

We could place him in a nursing home, but there’s a document you need to keep updating every 90 days in order for a person to be eligible for a place in a nursing home (here in Nassau County, NY, anyhow) - my grandmother let the expiration date come & go.

It’ll be another week (if we’re lucky) before someone can come over to re-do the paperwork, then I dunno how long before everything gets done - another week or two, I’m guessing. What the hell’s going to be done between now & then?

I’d been afraid for a couple years that something like this was going to happen. The question loomed in my mind: “What if Nana goes first? What the hell are we going to do?” My parents thought the same thing, & that’s part of the reason that they pushed the nursing home thing a bit. That’s even besides the fact that, let’s be real, my grandmother can’t take care of his basic physical needs as well as a younger, strong, trained person could.

My grandmother apparently didn’t care (to some extent) about what might happen - she’s angry & depressed, & in denial. She’s all but outright said to my mother, “I’m going to let the situation ride to the inevitable boiling point, then I’ll let you handle it”

She didn’t want the guilt, I think, of being the one to place my grandfather in a nursing home. She didn’t want to deal with it at all, so she’s forced it all on my mother. I can empathize with her denial & not wanting to put Grandpop in a home, but it’s just so frustrating. He’d be better cared for there, she’d get at least a little healthier, & there would be less stress in the family.

The irony is that my grandfather, I hate to say, wouldn’t know that he was in a nursing home anyway. He doesn’t know us anymore - I wonder if he knows he exists. I kinda hope not.

Man, this sucks.

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Cosmo – Argh! I feel for you. My Nana is what? 94 now? And expected to live for about antoher 6-8 years (longevity in that side of the family is nuts!) She suffers from a rare neurological disorder, that has affected her motor skills and her mind. Her symptoms are kind of a cross between Alzheimers and Tourette’s Syndrome (although in the last two years, she just keeps her eyes closed, peeks around once in a while and then shuts them again – she used to have outbursts that lasted 48 hours straight).

It can be really, really difficult.

The good news…

There are different versions of “assisted living” homes. Some of them are set up as independent suites where married couples can live together. Staff can still come in regularly to make sure everything is running smoothly. It provides the illusion of “condo living,” but with nurses nearby.

My Nana’s little brother lived in one in Albuquerque, NM. He was single and really good-looking in his late 80s, so the neighbouring little-old-ladies would fight over who got to visit him and make him dinner. I don’t think he ever had to prepare his own meal the entire time he was there.

He just recently died (the men on that side of the family go well into their 80s at least, the women go on to about 102! My mom is terrified of living that long, but it’s in her genes.)

Try to see if there is anything similar. The spouses feel good about it, because they don’t feel like the are abandoning their loved ones, but the enviroment is still very controlled with medical staff on hand in case of disaster.

My mother is on a waiting list for a unit in an assited living building (she has glaucoma and complications, so may soon go blind).

Look for emergency assisted living too. It requires a lot of phone calls, but there are some programs set up for “emergency care” of the convalescent kind – it’s just a huge pain in the butt to find it. Some nursing homes have temporary beds for just such an occasion, when the primary care-giver is out of commission.

It takes a lot of work to get it though.

Good luck. I hope everything works out really well.

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This is unfortunate…I’m sorry I don’t have anything to say that can really help, except for the possibility of a private nursing home/apartment situation for your grandparents. My Grandmother has an apartment in a home that provides only the “basics” according to each patient - she can cook and take care of herself, but needs help remembering/actually taking her meds, or to get laundry done, etc. My mother and aunt put in a couple of hours a week each to buy her groceries and other things she might need. Basically, she is “on her own”, but has help really close by for when she needs it.

Is that a possibility? I know its a financial consideration, but if your grandmother might need help from the occasional aide, and if your grandfather also needs help, perhaps moving in together into one of these apartments would work…you’d have to look into whats available in your area, though. Ask at the hospital - they probably know. There might be a waiting period, so for the short term, do what you can, I guess, until they can get in.

Good luck!

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Thanks, you guys. I appreciate your concern & suggestions very much.

The situation is, my grandfather needs 24 hour care. It’s almost as if he’s…I dunno…“catatonic” is the closest word I can come up with.

It’s like this: he can technically hold a fork, but it seems like he’s forgotten how to feed himself. He can walk to the bathroom, but he apparently can’t do anything once he’s there. My grandmother has to physically put him to bed & get him up, & sometimes, he’ll go rigid if she tries - maybe that’s how she fractured her hips. Last time I saw him, he was sitting in a chair that had a length of rope tied loosely across from one armrest to the other - apparently he sometimes gets up & wanders around. In short, I think that he really does need to be in a traditional “nursing home” setting. And that’s beside the fact that we need something now.

My father went out there about an hour ago; before he left, he told my sister & I that what they’re going to have to do is take him to the emergency department.

Once he’s there, the doctors will eventually tell my folks that he’s untreatable. My folks’ll just have to tell them that his wife’s in the hospital & we need to work, therefore we’re unable to give him 24 hour care. (My mother’s still in her probationary period at a new job - if she takes a week off, she’ll be fired. My sister & I need to stay in school for insurance purposes.)

Dad said they could get a nurse to fill out the document that I mentioned in the OP in the hospital, so maybe he can get into a nursing home in a few days.

It’s not the best plan, but it’s the one that seems the most logical.

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You can also look into any kind of subsidized nursing care (if that exists in your area). Your granddad sounds a fair bit like my Nana, except she is not ambulatory (phew!). We do still used the “seatbelt” with chairs, but that’s to keep her from falling (she doesn’t always remember that her legs don’t support her anymore.)

My uncle has a nurse there from 9-5 during the weekday and watches over Nana himself at night and on weekends. My other uncle and his family come by from time to time to to help out.

Your grandmother however, is just not able to take care of him herself. There is a point where the physical demads are just too much.

Again, I wish you the best of luck. It will sort itself out – it’s a matter of finding the best options that suit your means.