Since my Bad Ex Boyfriend isn’t here to tell you what he said to me, I’ll tell you myself.
Jarbaby: God, that actress is beautiful. Don’t you think she’s beautiful?
BEB: I guess…yeah she is.
Jarbaby: You can say it, I know there are women more beautiful than me.
BEB: I know that. But I don’t want a beautiful woman. I want you.
We dated for four years. He was a real gem
jarbaby
When my wife was in her ninth month of pregnancy, I asked her how come she walked like a duck.
Not a good idea at all. Their memories are long, very long…
Sitting in the car with a new friend and some one I would like to get to know better, I say to him
“I was a singer in high school and MVP of my chorus”. Meaning of course that had noticed my singing and wondered why I don’t sing in college, He says to me “Oh yeah? What happened?”.
He didn’t get any either. 
“Current”?! Heh, not for long if you keep that up. Sheesh, Dinsdale 
Not me, but the best story of this type I ever heard:
While having sex with a girl doggie-style, a good friend said he whispered into her ear “I’m pretending you’re a guy”.
Picture, if you will, a young couple. A young couple named Chance.
Picture this couple watching The Dick van Dyke show on Nick at Nite.
Picture the male half staring at Mary Tyler Moore. Listen to him say “Man…if I had that at home…”
Oof.
Whatever you got for that, you richly deserved.
My boyfriend has supplied a few good ones for y’all. Most things he says of a derogatory nature are entirely in jest, and I know it and give it back in spades. But sometimes he’s so obviously not joking…
F’rinstance, discussing an interview I had with a company that had an on-site gym, he said: “Yeah, it’s cool and all, but then you’ll get in great shape and leave me for someone better.” Okay, on the surface, garden-variety faux-insecurity. But what I heard was “You’d have to work on that body before anyone else would find you attractive.” GAH!
One he vehemently denies (or believes that, if he DID say it, he was kidding) was a discussion of That '70s Show, where he compared himself to the Eric Forman character, and me to Donna. And then he said, “But she’s hotter than you are.” I replied, “Oh, thanks a lot, asshole.” And he replied, in the sorry-to-tell-the-truth-on-you voice that he often uses, “Well, she is.” WHAT THE FUCK?! I was genuinely mad about that. Am I hyper-sensitive? I don’t think so.
The absolute worst ever were from an ex-boyfriend though. I said something about his Alyssa Milano obsession, and he actually said in response, “Well, you’re okay, but you’re no Alyssa Milano.” And he couldn’t understand what got me upset about that. I could tell you other stupid-ass stuff he’d said, but in a nutshell, he was just a jerk.
The smart thing to do, in my opinion, is to never compare your girlfriend/wife unfavorably with someone else. EVER. Just doing my part to keep guys outta the doghouse.
I once congratulated an old girlfriend on being pregnant. She wasn’t.
Housemate in college actually made the “damn, your ears make good handles!” comment to a woman he picked up… he was <springer> kicked to the curb </springer> toot sweet…
I was at an office Christmas party, and a co-worker’s guest asked me if I wanted to dance. My response: Sorry, I’m not drunk enough.
Unfortunately I had incorrectly remembered her as being present five minutes before when I’d explained my method of preventing alcohol overindulgence at parties, receptions, weddings, etc: When I start singing along with the music, I know I’m starting to feel the alcohol. When I start thinking “hey, I’m not THAT bad … I should get up and dance!” then I know it’s time to cut myself off. Because I am that bad.
All the people who were present at story-telling time laughed and thought it a great system. This person, however, NOT being present, had a look of abject pissed-offed-ness on her face. Luckily I was quickly able to make the save (over the howls of laughter from the rest of my table) and explain the reference.
We never did dance, though.
Fencing practice, I’m directing a bout between Laura and John, and Laura scores a point. So John wants to know what happened, because he could swear he’d hit Laura first, but nothing had registered on the scoring machine. Laura’s explanation: “John, you were flat.” (I.e. he hit her with the side of the blade, not the point, so the machine did’t register it.)
Me: “He’s not the only one. Oh shit, did I say that out loud?”
I’ll leave the consequences to your imaginations…
You know, this would be a whole lot funnier to me if I didn’t keep reading along going, “Aw shit! I’ve said that too!”.
Thank goodness the one’s I haven’t said are outweighing the one’s I have.
Some of these are just too great!!!
Thank you.
G1: “Was I good”?
Me: “Incredible”
G1: “Was I better than G2”?
Me: “Dunno… we always had so much fun just being together that we never got around to having sex like you and I do”.
“Actually, it’s not the pants that make your butt look big. I mean… it’s the mirror”.
Woman: “Excuse me, did you just call me a broad”?
Me: “Yes, I’m afraid I did”
Woman: “Don’t you ever call a lady a broad”!
Me: “I didn’t”.
My friend Jeff is a smart guy, but socially, he’s retarded.
We were buying beer when he pointed out Kirstie Alley on the front of a magazine at the check-out.
Jeff - God, I hate Kirstie Alley. She’s looks like such a slut. Ugly, whorey, trashy. I can’t stand her.
katie - Hm. I’ve been told I look like Kirstie Alley.
Jeff - ::looks at me, nods:: Oh yeah. You kinda do.
I DO!
Only have one that stands out, but it was a doozy.
Dating a girl in college for several months, things are getting serious. She was the first girl after the one who broke my heart. Needless to say there was some baggage and jealousy on her end. We’re out, and we’d been discussing her. “Am I over her” and so on, but luckily it wasn’t a fight or anything too angry. She was handling it well, and I was saying mostly the right things.
Skip ahead a few hours to us in bed, naked, post-sex and talking casually. Something was said to get her angry, and we proceeded to argue about something trivial. In frustration I’d sat up on the edge of my bed with my back to her. After a few moments of silence I turn back to restate my point…
“But Nikki…(gasp)”.
And, of course, Nikki wasn’t her name.
This didn’t go over real well, and she stormed out of the room (in my frat house) after getting half dressed. Eventually I chased her down, and talked her into coming back to bed. Explaining that we’d simply been discussing her earlier and I was flustered. She didn’t buy it, but we did manage to have make-up sex that night again. Nevertheless, we didn’t have any casual discussions where her name came up again.
I once wrote in an email to an ex that she was ‘more than just a warm, wet hole.’ boy did that get taken out of context.
i can’t believe i was the first one to post that! (see my last one)
heres a goody: ex girlfriend was joking around about something and told me she was gonna “cut me off” sexually. i mumbled “you cant cut me off if you dont know where im gettin’ it”. the joking ended right there.
another ex told me just after the first boink that she was hesitante at first because he was afraid i wouldn’t respect her afterwords. i told her “well, i didnt respect you before!”
after a heavy make out session in my car, this chick invites me to her house. she tells me “you can stay there tonight, but you can’t sleep in my bed”. like an idiot, i say, “thats okay, i can fuck you on the couch!”. (went home alone that night, damn!)
i got a bunch more, but…
if my dick was as big as my mouth, i would be okay…
Said to me by an ex-boyfriend:
“You know, you aren’t a gorgeous woman, but you’d never know it to look at you.”
What the flaming tapdancing Christ does that mean? I figured that comment meant that his IQ was too low for me to continue dating him.
PS – BigDaddyD – Yikes! You’re saying there was a good way to say that?
Oh my God. I can’t imagine what context could possibly mold that into a compliment.
BigDaddyD’s got a way with the ladeez!