This could be to strangers, family, friends, co-workers, …
Smart-alecky things you’d like to say, but know that absolutely nothing constructive would come of it.
To the guy that went straight from the urinal to the door:
Hey! You wanna make a pitstop at the sink there, Sparky?
To the boss that asks how things are going:
Great! Thanks to your poor management, I haven’t done any real work in two months.
To the cop that is writing me up for speeding:
Wooooo! I’m glad you didn’t clock me when I was doing 110 a few minutes ago!
I have a female friend who is quite unattractive (would you believe, ugly?). Unfortunately, she thinks she’s the most beautiful girl in the world.
Now, whenever someone like Britney Spears, Angelina Jolie, Jessica Alba (you get the picture) comes out on screen, my friend comments about how ugly they are. WTF?
On many occasions after one of these comments I’ve been tempted to tell her,
“I’m surprised you own a mirror.”
Actually, I’ve resolved to tell her this if I hear her say anything bad about Ashley Judd or Natalie Portman.
A few years ago, my preschool son needed to go potty. I took him into a public bathroom, and there was a guy in a stall, obviously talking to a business client over a cell phone while using the stall for its intended purpose.
(predictably,) “HEY!!! THERE’S A GUY IN THAT STALL WHO’S TAKING A CRAP WHILE TALKING TO SOMEONE ON A CELL PHONE!!! WOW, THAT’S WHAT CELL PHONES ARE REALLY FOR, FOR TALKING TO PEOPLE WHILE YOU TAKE A SHIT!!! I THINK I NEED TO GET ONE OF THOSE- THE CELL PHONE, THAT IS, NOT A SHIT!!! THAT’S INCREDIBLE!!! I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF USING A CELL PHONE TO SHIT AND DO BUSINESS AT THE SAME TIME!!!”
It’s a silent struggle for me. I’m constantly coming up with one-liners I can say to the people around me, but I always have to judge what their reactions will be before I open my mouth. Sometimes it would just be an obscure reference that would only make sense to me and three other people. Sometimes it’s a pretty good jab at the person I’m talking to, but maybe I don’t know them well enough to make fun of them. Most often, it’s something so patently offensive that I should never repeat it to anyone anywhere.
An example of what I shouldn’t have said:
I was at a family get together, I believe it was somebody’s fortieth birthday. One of my aunts, who was actually just a friend of the family and a very devout Christian, jokingly said, “I don’t have anything to worry about, the world’s going to end before I turn 40.”
To which I promptly responded, “Well thank God for small favors.”
You know, people make some interesting expressions when they can’t believe you just said what you said.
There’s this one guy in the gay group on campus. He thinks himself a radical, and assumes that anything disagreeing with him is supressing him.
The other day he was talking about how “the heterosexist society is oppressing me! Someone asked me to shut up when I was talking about <insert random cause>”
Um, actually… they asked you to shut up because you’re an asshole.
Right after we got our new computer system at work a few years ago I was assigned to do the layout for one of the main pages. The managing editor was fascinated by the new system, and because I was a recent college grad and was the only one who really knew how to use the new program he decided to hang around my desk all night.
After he tried his hand at backseat page designing for almost an hour, he uttered seven of the most terrifying words I’d ever heard: “hey, what happens if you do this?” Before I could react he reached over, pushed a few buttons and deleted the entire file. Then he tried “fixing” it and deleted the backup files. By now it was about 45 minutes until the press deadline
At this point he leaned back in his chair with a totally innocent look and asked me, “so what are you thinking?”
No … no … must … resist … need … job …
“I’m thinking I’m gonna take off my shoe and beat you with it until you realize how damn incompetent you are!”
Never said it out loud, but I was literally biting my tongue for the rest of the night. And to think people wonder why I quit.
I’ve always wanted to go up to random person, usually in a shopping mall and pretend to be the fashion police, telling them exactly how they’ve messed up.
Currently I’d like to approach all the people I see wearing toques and gloves (in 70 degree weather) and ask them, “What the hell? You think this is cold? Let me tell you about the time I had to smear Vaseline all over my face to prevent frostbite while I walked to school.”
Out of pity and a sense of duty (I am follically challenged myself)to the poor man walking along with his big hair flap rising and falling in the breeze like an errant palm leaf.
When I was waiting to be seated in a restaurant at LAX, a waitress approached and asked me: “Table for how many?”
I said, “Fifty-six–I like to change seats every few minutes.”
I used to work with a carpenter–an old-world German. We were really wearing ourselves out one summer morning digging a trench for a concrete retaining wall form. At about 11:30 one morning I asked him if he wanted to go for
lunch.
Kurt said, “Now? [apparently assuming I think he wants to eat a lot] What do you think I am, a horse?”
I shot back, No–your ears are too short!" (Moe Howard, 1940)
Right after we got our new computer system at work a few years ago I was assigned to do the layout for one of the main pages. The managing editor was fascinated by the new system, and because I was a recent college grad and was the only one who really knew how to use the new program he decided to hang around my desk all night.
It’s just as well you didn’t say that, Ladybug…without uttering a word this guy did himself in. Tacitly, he said [Goofy accent]“Gawrsh, ain’t I the stupidest jerk in the whole wide world! Ahyook!” [/Goofy accent]
I’d like to have been in Al Gore or George W.'s body at the debate last night, when the woman asked what they were going to do about all the bad stuff on TV that her kids are exposed to cuz “I mean, you know, it’s just bringing the country down.”
I’d have said, “Look, you moronic excuse for a voter, my TV has an on-off switch, want me to come to your house and check your set?”
Followed by “You really wanna know what’s bringing this country down, lady, it’s idiots like you who think the government can fix everything – and ya wanna know what else? There’s a whole lot of people out there who think Barney and the Telebutties are tools of the devil, maybe you need to worry about them. Just shut off the damned TV and read a book with your kids. Here, I’ll give you a list.”
Hear hear. I’ve even told my husband that if he got a shot at Ashley Judd, I would bitch slap his ass if he didn’t take it because of me. Crude, maybe, but I would. Oh, and Seven of Nine-- how is that woman LEGAL??
I’ll have to edit since these boards are where I want to say it. To a very specific poster:
“You aren’t nearly as funny/witty as you think you are , ______! So just shut up for a while!”
So that Turpentine could see what would happen if he ever said what he was thinking:
What’s the matter Falcon and Welfy? Not getting enough attention?
