Things you shouldn't say to a woman... but you've said

In My Humble Opinion
101

Anyone who knows me, knows i’m a smartass, and usually come up with some rude, crude and socially unacceptable lines from just out of the blue.

Well, many moons ago, I was best man in one of my friends wedding, so I had to get measured for the tux. I drag the girlfriend I was seeing at the time along with me.

Now this was in the old days, when I was in shape, thin, and well, totally opposite of what I am now, but I digress.

While getting measured, the person who was measuring me was telling his assistant the measurements as he took them, and they get to my chest.

Tux guy: 54 in. Chest
Girlfriend: HOLY! 54 inch chest?
Me: Yeah, kinda sad when the guy you’re going out with has a bigger chest than you do.

Man I got beat over the head over that one.

102

“-------, you’re always acting so experienced, so I wanna know… EXACTLY how many dicks have you had in you?”

One of the ballsier things I’ve said sober… Good thing everyone else thought it was funny.

103

I made the mistake of asking a woman once when her baby was due.

She wasn’t pregnant, just fat.

Now I never ever mention it unless I know for a fact that a woman is pregnant!

104

After hearing Beethoven’s 9th performed, my date takes me backstage to meet a friend of hers who sang in the chior. I had found other friends she had introduced me to to be somewhat boring and this woman was no exception. Afterwards, I said “I don’t think I really care for your friends”, or something to that extent. OOPS! We dated for awhile afterwards, but it didn’t go anywhere.

105

I have always made it a policy NEVER to ask a question I didn’t want an honest answer in return.
Likewise don’t ask me if you don’t want an honest opinion.