Lately I’ve been having the urge to grab the phone and whisper “I told you never to call me here.” whenever it rings at work.
Tobacco? Oranges? Sandalwood? It’s gonna smell like a school bus, but I’ll take it.
Uh – no tithing?
(And thank you!)
Sometimes, in really boring and quiet classes at school, I’m tempted to scream and slap my hands to my face like the Home Alone kid.
I used to volunteer at a suicide hotline. One night, I’d had a rotten day at work, and was in a really surly mood.
The phone rang. It was a woman who had been diagnosed with a serious disease, lost her job and her health insurance, her husband left her, her kids had become drug addicts, and she had no friends or relatives to help out.
I had to litereally FORCE myself not to say, “Gee, lady, if I were you, I’d want to kill myself too.”
Now, before I get a lot of nasty comments - I really did do a successful intervention with her.
Here’s another one I never said, since the baby comment happened to touch a nerve:
I was at a bar when one of those neanderthal bully-types walked by. I happened to glance at his monobrow and he immediately got in my face and said,
“What the f*ck are you looking at?”
I was drunk, and it took every ounce of willpower not to say,
“A refugee from the chimp exhibit?”
or
“Proof that evolution doesn’t work?”
or
“I have no idea, but give me a month and a team of scientists and I might figure it out.”
Yes, all three of those flew threw my mind. Thankfully none of them came out.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by AuntiePam *
**
10 percent of nothing is nothing…I’ll add an extra orange.
Oog. Memories. A bully in elementary school once said that to me, and my mouth said “Nothing much” all smooth as silk before my brain could stop it. Unfortunately for me he wasn’t quite as dumb as he looked. Fortunately I managed to walk away without any broken bones.
Bullies suck.
Well…way back when I was in high school, I was a Yearbook geek…we had our own little office and everything…and we’d usually answer the phone “City morgue - you stab 'em, we slab 'em”. At least until the principal called…
To people who think there child is beautiful or bright and is dumber than a brick and uglier than sin.
-“Well I hope the kid has a good personality or he/she is screwed.”
People who sing when they have the worst voice ever.
-“Who sings this?” “Good let’s keep it that way.”
People who wear revealing clothes that have no right to be.
-“I have the decency to cover my body up (I won’t ever be gracing the cover of GQ, but I can accept that)…a concept you might want to look into.”
Whenever anyone shows me a picture of their brand new infant, I always have the urge to peer narrowly at the photo and then sagely say, “Yup. That’s a baby all right!” before handing it back and walking off without another word…
To the asshole cop questioning me for riding in a car going six miles an hour over the speed limit (side note: avoid Schodack, NY at all costs):
him: “What are you doing out here?”
me (in my mind only): “At the moment I’m talking to an asshole.”
…
him: “Where were you driving?”
me (Again, in my mind): “That way. You know, in the direction the car is pointing. That’s how these things work.”
Working in a convenience store over the summer was sheer hell for that sort of thing.
To the people that wouldn’t believe that something was out of stock:
“You’re right. We just have a policy of hiding that item and lying about it when people ask for it the first time.”
Whenever I see a teenager go by wearing those ridiculous outfits that are twenty sizes too large, and colored like a painter’s smock, I begin to loudly sing circus music. The very same music that Homer sang to himself while dreaming of the bear riding the little car at what he though was the Ballet, but actually turned out of course to be the circus…
My wife gets a kick out of it (even though she is embarassed at the time) and will tell everyone what I do if a similar subject comes up in conversation.
I’m such a character!
Sometimes I think of really terrible things that I could have said in response to a question, just for comedy sake. I don’t say them of course, but it would be funny, and it gives me a laugh to imagine what the reaction would be.
I once worked for a guy who wore a really cheap toupee (sort of a short Sam Donaldson). This was the source of lots of ongoing jokes, of course behind the boss’s back.
One day, said boss was giving us a motivational talk, and said, “what this company needs is more of this” - and he tapped his head with his index finger. I immediately let loose with “we need more cheap toupees?”
I believe this line has made its way into a movie or TV show; but the first time I heard it was out of my own mouth.
The problem is that I usually do say that kind of stuff…
I annoy salesmen, I annoy ppl at the toilet, teachers and teeny boppers…
especially those in my school classes…
Alex: high terrible laugh - followed by stupid grin - then anti-women comment (she is female for fuck s sake!!!)
Me: Calm down honey, or do you want the little brains you have to burst from all that laughter?
While watching the movie “Boys and Girls” I kept on commenting about how romantic it was to my seat neighbours…
I asked them for tissues and fake-cried all the time…
I also talked about the deeper meaning of plastic stars and doing the laundry together… exclaiming “I want to do the laundry of all the ppl in this cinema!”
Surprisingly, they didnt throw me out…
Seems like I wasnt the only one who thought the movie was bullshit.
The only things I dont say are emotional stuff. “I like you” is hard, “I miss you” is harder and “I love you” will most probably remain unsaied for the rest of my life… at least that spares me some “well. I dont.” answers.
hehe
b dodgy
the thing I would like to say to xtian fuddies
“just because some guy got nailed to a tree, doesn’t give you the right to tell me how to live my life”
To smoking litterbugs:
In their cars, flicking cigarette ash out the window - “Gee, is your car the only one in the world that didn;t come with an ashtray? Take mine, I’m not using it!”
On the street, flicking ash or dropping their used butts - “Yo, the pavement is not your ashtray!” Also, “Excuse me, sir/madam, but you seem to have dropped something. Allow me to return it to you.” And then shoving the butt or ash into their mouths.
And I’ve seen people doing this right in front of perfectly fine ashtrays as well! Lord, that stuff burns me up…no pun intended.
When I was in grade 12, I was in the same crowd as a very pretentious, arrogant guy. We were in a car once and “Money” by Pink Floyd came on the radio. The driver said, “Oh, cool: Floyd.” Pretentious jag-off said smugly, “Knew it from the first clink of change.” I didn’t have the guts to say, “Anyone who knows it at all, knows it from the first clink of change. How many songs start with a clink of change?”
I’d like to say to someone I know that this person should get their shit together, quit listening to assholes who don’t care about this person, and have faith that things will get better.
Actually, I say those things to this person all the time. I guess I wish this person would listen for a change… 
Yer pal,
Satan
*TIME ELAPSED SINCE I QUIT SMOKING:
Six months, two weeks, six days, 3 hours, 0 minutes and 54 seconds.
8125 cigarettes not smoked, saving $1,015.63.
Extra time with Drain Bead: 4 weeks, 5 hours, 5 minutes.
*THE YANKEES WIN! THAAAAAAH YANKEES WIN!
1996 · 1998 ··· WORLD CHAMPIONS ··· 1999 · 2000
26 Titles! The #1 Dynasty of all-time!
And most importantly… RULERS OF NYC!!
Luckily, I’m in a group where my filters are among the most functional in the group, so it really doesn’t matter WHAT I say. We’re good like that.
Of course, having started this post, I can’t come up with any examples at all. Damn. But one of my favorites is actually a friend of mine’s:
“Everything is about sex!”
“You just think everything is about sex since you aren’t getting any. If I weren’t getting any I would think everything was about sex too.”
well now i’m really confused as to what falcon and welfy are upset (?) over. but that’s ok i’m not too awake myself.
but there’s this guy that i work with, we tutor chinese immigrants to help pass the naturalization exam, etc. one day i walk in at the end of his shit and i saw him teaching a bunch of the ladies, the funniest thing was the way he was teaching, he was being the typical american trying to speak to someone who can’t speak english but instead of realizing that he would speak louder and louder equating volume with comprehension. i was about to say something but instead decided to say nothing because hearing the comments of the tuttees was too funny.