Things You'd Buy If They Actually Existed

[elbows]

I want a vacuum cleaner back pack, like in ghostbusters. It’s got to have some real power, of course. With an extra long, spring loaded cord. And a see through hose, so I can see stuff getting sucked. Also, it should a push button on the handle, which extends to reach ceiling cobwebs. Attachments should be mounted on the unit, with in easy reach, like a quiver of arrows. It should be shiny silver.

I believe such a machine would get men to do housecleaning. I know, it’s a tall claim. But guys love watching things get sucked up. Okay, we might have to add in a throaty engine sound.

I’m just saying, husbands would vacuum, dust, and enjoy it. What’s not to love?

[GuanoLad]

I’d buy my own personal road system that nobody else can drive on.

[RTFirefly]

@elbows

I want a vacuum cleaner back pack, like in ghostbusters. It’s got to have some real power, of course.

The people who clean our office use vacuum cleaner backpacks for their vacuuming. The vacs seem to be powerful enough to do the job.

With an extra long, spring loaded cord. And a see through hose, so I can see stuff getting sucked. Also, it should a push button on the handle, which extends to reach ceiling cobwebs. Attachments should be mounted on the unit, with in easy reach, like a quiver of arrows. It should be shiny silver.

They don’t have all this, but most of this would be doable, you’d think. You’d want the cord spring loaded like a tape measure, where you pull it out bit by bit and it stays out, then you push the button and it retracts all the way. And I can’t see why they couldn’t do see-through hoses. But unless you’ve got high ceilings, you wouldn’t really need the extension: by the time that backpack’s on your back, it’s already almost as close to an 8-foot ceiling as it is to the floor.

But yeah, I’d buy one of these too!

[ralph124c]

I want a radar detector with a twist: when your radar detector picks up a police radar signal, it blasts back a 50,000 watt radar pulse that fries the police radar.

[Silver_Tyger]

I want a machine that’ll pick up my subvocalized thoughts, so that when I’m thinking stuff to myself it would write it down. It’d be great for anything from grocery lists to predrafts for stories.

[elbows]

But unless you’ve got high ceilings, you wouldn’t really need the extension: by the time that backpack’s on your back, it’s already almost as close to an 8-foot ceiling as it is to the floor.

All 5’2" of me and my 9’ ceilings beg to differ. I want the wand to extend to whatever length is required, at the push of a button, damn it! (And yes, I am aware that the last sentence invites a lot of penis jokes. Grow up, you pervs!) I got the top of the fridge and bookcases to deal with, y’know!

[cochrane]

@brittekland

• I want thermostat remote controls. I always wanted to give one to my mother as she’d drive me batty telling me, “Why so hot in here?!” then “Oh god, this place is freezing!” endlessly… I think I might possibly need one soon too… uh-oh.

Lux TX9000RF Programmable Thermostat with Remote

@RTFirefly

Or a screen built into the front and back ends of your cars where you can tell the people in front or behind you what you think of them at the push of a button with a modest selection of messages typed into your car’s computer ahead of time. Like “you drive like a geezer, isn’t it time you turned in your license?” or “If I can’t see your headlights, you’re tailgating too close.”

Scrolling Light Digital Message System for Car

This one’s not built into the car, but it can be displayed in your rear window.

As for me, I would like a private network of ziplines like Jerry Seinfeld in his new commercial.

[JohnT]

I’d buy DVD’s that have a “family friendly” option with the movie being, essentially, “TNT-ized” - the cursing removed/voice-overed, etc.

There are a number of films that would be fine to show kids if it weren’t for the director throwing some crap in there to get a PG13/R rating.

[Lumpy]

“Vet-Smell”, a can of spray that smells just like a veterinarian’s examining room. One spritz on something and your pet won’t go anywhere near it!

[brittekland]

@cochrane

Lux TX9000RF Programmable Thermostat with Remote

Thanks! Cool, so it exists now; I’ve always wondered, why not.

Now I’ll have two thermostat remote controls so when people afflicted with hot-flashes come over, they can have battles of the house temperature with normal folks and leave me alone.

[MacTech]

@YogSosoth

I want an item locator. Ideally, it would be a panel you install into the house. All household things can be entered into it, and it will keep track of where it is. Can’t find the remote? Ask the item locator. Missing keys? Locator will find it! Anything from half a pair of socks, to a diary, to that last bit of spice left in the shaker that you hope somebody didn’t throw away can be found with the item locator.

…as long as you don’t lose the item locator device itself…

[Maastricht]

@Lumpy

“Vet-Smell”, a can of spray that smells just like a veterinarian’s examining room. One spritz on something and your pet won’t go anywhere near it!

1. Buy a bottle of Lysol or Dettol
2. Dilute to smelling taste en put in a spray bottle.
3. Profit!

[YogSothoth]

@MacTech

…as long as you don’t lose the item locator device itself…

That’s why you’d attach it to the house! Otherwise we’d just have a lonely computer voice repeatedly telling itself where it is until its batteries ran out…

[Don_t_Panic]

@MacTech

…as long as you don’t lose the item locator device itself…

Don’t be silly, then you just buy an item locator locator.

[Lumpy]

Someone ought to market a brand of snacks called “White Trash Crackers”.

[Michael63129]

I’d buy a real 3-D printer - one that can make anything you want, provided a design exists (or you design it) and using any material, even elemental substances (e.g. polyethylene plastic is made of carbon and hydrogen), and using waste as a source for materials (which would only have to have the necessary elements). Size might be an issue depending on what you would want it to make, but I figure a few inches would be enough for the main purposes I have in mind.

[An_Gadai]

I’d book a flight on a glass bottom aeroplane.

[Shoeless]

@zoogirl

I want a Tribble, please, but I’d really like a sterile one!

You can get one here.

(I actually have a plush tribble, but I don’t think it’s one of these. Mine doesn’t have a way to replace the battery. )

[Spice_Weasel]

I want a doohickey that will suspend my book/Kindle from the bathroom ceiling at precisely the angle I want to read in the bathtub. And it will turn the page at the push of a waterproof button tied to my wrist. When I’m relaxing in the tub, I mean to do the least amount of work possible.

[Winnipeg]

@YogSosoth

I want an item locator. Ideally, it would be a panel you install into the house. All household things can be entered into it, and it will keep track of where it is. Can’t find the remote? Ask the item locator. Missing keys? Locator will find it! Anything from half a pair of socks, to a diary, to that last bit of spice left in the shaker that you hope somebody didn’t throw away can be found with the item locator.

I do believe its called a Wife. :o