This is apparently a new definition of the word "resolution I was previously unaware of

The BBQ Pit
1

********* DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL *********
Dear Psycho, *(note: not Dear Dr Bunny, or even Ms. Bunny)*This email includes a resolution for the following case:

CASE NUMBER = xxxxxx63

SUBJECT = Assistance in reviewing possibility of changing fax number.

DESCRIPTION = The client currently has case xxxxx83 open to winops for trying to understand why the fax number [non-working #] is not working. I tried calling the number and the response states that the number is not in service ***(really?-I believe that we why we called you A WEEK AGO!). ***This is preventing the practice from faxing any information in *(**I see you may have grasped the workings of the fax machine). ***From reviewing the last email with an internal discussion with [incompetent hamster #1], the case manager for case xxxxx83, the expectation date has been set farther than originally thought ***(funny-my expectation date was that this would be fixed immediately). ***I was looking to know the possibility of changing the fax number alltogether as the client would really like to use the functionality of [CrappyCompany] as they are really getting frustrated that this is not working and they might have to wait an extended amount of time ***(what? Do I SOUND frustrated!!!). ***I understand there might be some issues in changing the fax number (what issues-how hard is it to generate a new telephone number?) but was looking to see if these could be addressed as needed. I created this case in attempt to resolve the client’s concerns and see which could assist the client faster as it appears that the winops case may take some time that the client does not have (or maybe you could have just addressed the original case instead of creating a new one?) . What would be the issues in changing the [CrappyCompany] incoming fax number from [non-working #] to something else for department ID 2?

I just wanted to let you know that the first case you have with [incompetent hamster#1], xxxxx83, is going to be escalated as it appears the changing of the fax number today did not resolve the issue as we had tried to find out ***(wait-what? When did you change the number? Do you think maybe you could have let me know? Perhaps the reason that this did not solve the problem was that I was never given the number?). ***[Incompetent hamster #1] will be in touch with you through that case. Please continue to use that case number when you call in.
Please do not use your “reply” function for this message. If you have any additional questions, please call the CSC at [probably non-working telephone #] and reference your case number. If we do not hear from you within three business days, we will assume it is okay to close your case.

Thank you and have a great day.
[Incompetent hamster #2]

I have tried to translate this into English and the best I get is the following:

*Dear Loser,

We have ignored you for a week and your contact person is getting sick of your continuing to call asking us to fix our error. She kicked it upstairs where we confirmed that yes, you do have a problem. We may or may not have tried to fix it without success, so we are now kicking it back down to the original person. Please don’t call us but if we don’t hear from you we’ll assume that everything is fixed from our standpoint even though we are well aware that nothing is fixed which is why the problem was kicked up to us in the first place.

Have a nice day,

Moronic supervisatory-type person*

2

Cool story, bro.

3

I kinda fell asleep somewhere after the asterisks and before the runs of EM dashes.

Then I woke up to a wall of text, and ran my car into an Arby’s.

4

Was a dog burnt?

5

Like a motherfuck!

6

I have prepared a reply but am unable to send as I don’t have your contact information. Can you provide a fax number?

7

Grab me one of those disgusting roast beef melts. Haven’t had one in years.

8

No problem! Not much I can do about the broken glass and bits of blood, though.

9

I have no idea what this thread is about, but if it’s about tech support sending you “resolutions” to problems that haven’t actually been, you know, resolved, I fully support it.

I get that sort of shit all the time from one of my website hosts. I’ve moved the bulk of my business over to somebody who cares, but it’s important for me to keep my data in two places, so if one website happens to go down, I can redirect people to the legacy one.

Just two days ago, all my subdomains went down on that site (more than 100+ subdomains) that had been working perfectly well for 5 years. I FTPed into my site–all the files and folders were there. I check my control panel. All the subdomains are listed, with the proper directory structure. I ask them what’s up, they send me some email about going into my zone file and manually adding every single subdomain as an IN A entry. Now, they don’t tell me how to do this or why I all of a sudden have to do this when everything has been working fine for the last five goddamned years. Nor did they offer to manually add the 100+ entries I’d have to be adding for the next few hours to make them work. But “Case Closed: Resolved.”

Ugh. I was irritated. Luckily, calling tech support helped, and after getting a similar answer from the woman on the line I asked her, um, you sure there’s no wildcard type of entry we could add? This was working for five years, I don’t see why I all of a sudden have to sit here and type Zone Entry after Zone Entry to get my subdomains working again. Sure enough, yeah, there was a wildcard entry. She added it. The websites were back up. Now that is a proper resolution.

10

I don’t understand any of that.

11

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. I think that those thousand words are worth a picture like this.

12

I’m glad to hear your problem has been resolved. I’ll go ahead and close this ticket. Thank you for using our technical support services.

13

snort!

14

You can fix problems with your thread titles if you hit “Go Advanced” during the edit window.

If I don’t hear from you in three days, I’ll assume you don’t have a problem with this any longer. :smiley:

15

That’s pretty good, psychobunny. I used to think that troubles with customer support were exaggerated. I thought that clear, thorough, polite descriptions of a problems led to timely, appropriate resolutions most of the time. Customer support people were unfairly demonized in our culture because of confirmation bias, I so naively believed.

Screw that. I’ve had a spate of bad customer support “resolutions” lately. Gas company, newspaper, tollway authority, etc, customer support personnel? Sputtering, lazy, overpaid morons!

Here’s the email trail of my most amusing encounter. (Amusing, I guess, because the stakes are too low on this one for me to get too worked up). The payoff is the final “resolution” answer at the end!

From: Me
To: Consumer Services
Date: July 16th

I am registered on the Trib’s website with this email address (and have been for some time), yet whenever I try to log on, I get an error message:

“Sorry, this account already exists. Use the non-provider sign-in area in order to log-in.”

What’s going on here, and can you fix it? The message seems like gibberish. Of course the account “already exists.” That’s why I’m trying to log on! I have no interest in using the “non-provider sign-in.” I would like to be able to sign-in directly. Thank you for any help that you are able to provide.

Ok, a simple problem, I think. Why I try to log on, the website kicks me out an error that treats me as if I am trying to register with some existing email address. No biggie, the login platform has made several migrations recently, and perhaps my account, as a legacy customer, got held up somewhere.

From: Consumer Services
To: Me
Date: July 17th

Thank you for being a registered user of the Chicago Tribune website. If you have forgotten your password, use the Forgot Password link on the sign in modal to reset your password.

Also, you may re register to the website using a different email address.

OK… that’s not responsive. This is the predictable copy-and-paste response that assumes all log in trouble must be due to a customer forgetting a password. Let’s see if I can escalate this to a more capable customer supporter…

From: Me
To: Consumer Services
Date: July 17th

This answer is in no way responsive to my question. Please re-read my question and supply an accurate, customized, and relevant response.

To be clear, the problem with my log-in exists on the Tribune’s end. I therefore expect the Tribune to resolve it. I have not forgotten my password, and I do not desire to use an alternate email address.

Thank you for your help.

A little snippy in my first paragraph, maybe, but at least I didn’t include this statement that I was considering, “Please prove that you are a human who is actually reading this. Answer this question: what day comes after Wednesday?”

From: Consumer Services Escalations
To: Me
Date: July 21st

We apologize for any inconvenience that you may have experienced while on our Web site.

For you to be able to login, please go to our web site [link] and click on Login located at the top right side of the page. After you click on the Log in button you will be prompted to a new window that ask for your email address and your password. Please enter your email address [my email address] and your password.

You read that right, folks. This guy – the technical specialist – has “resolved” my problem by giving me precise instructions on how to… enter my username and password! What, was I supposed to explicitly request the customer-support-for-people-under-95 track?

16

I probably should have mentioned that even before the above lovely e-mail I had the following conversation with their service personnel.

Me-“The fax number that you gave me isn’t working”
Them-“That’s because you haven’t activated it-I have e-mailed you a barcoded activation form-just fax it to the number and it will be activated within 10-15 minutes.”
Me-“But you see, the problem is that when I try to fax something to that number, it says that the number is not in service.”
Them-“That’s because you haven’t yet activated it. You have to fax the barcoded sheet to the number.”
Me-“I’m not sure how to fax something to a non-working number.”
Them-“You won’t be able to fax anything until you activate the number.”
Me-“And how do I do that again?”
Them-“You fax the activation sheet to the number.”
Me-“Thanks so much. Can I talk to somebody else please?”

17

Just because you can’t follow simple instructions it isn’t their fault. Just fax the activation sheet already.

:smiley:

18

Yeah, I hate it when it looks that the tech person either hasn’t read my email or just pulled up the Random Reply Generator to address my concerns and closed my trouble ticket.

The best is of the form: Dear Customer Support. I’m having problems with your service. I have tried A, B, C, and D. None of these have worked. I believe the problem is E, and here’s why. Can you look into it?

Dear Customer:

Try A, B, C, and D. This will fix your problem. I will consider this resolved.

Dear Customer Service: Did you not read my email at all? I have tried all that. I think the problem is probably E, but if you have other ideas, I’m game.

Dear Customer,

You need to do Z (something completely unrelated to my problem.) I will consider this resolved.

Dear CS,

OK, I tried Z, but I don’t see how that addresses my problem. At any rate, it doesn’t work. My website has been down for three days now. I am losing business. I need this resolved ASAP.

Dear Customer,

We have determined the problem. It is E. We have made the changes on our end and your website is showing as operational.

:smack: I told them right in the beginning what the issue was. This could have been fixed in a couple hours, or at most a day, but I ended up going back and forth for three days with these morons.

19

You forgot: “Is there anything else i can help you with today?”

20

No I didn’t. :smiley: