Rogg and Opal and others… may I have a word with you please?
First - no, I am not an airline pilot. I am not a corporate pilot. I am a private pilot allowed to carry as many passengers in my airplane as that airplane has seats (provided I don’t exceed the maximum legal take-off weight). I do frequently carry passengers, purely out of my own generosity and to share my joy in flying.
Even on my level, disruptive passengers can pose a danger.
No, it’s not the occassional queasy stomach or eating questionable food at distant greasy spoons, either.
The average person just doesn’t have the knowledge base to know what is and isn’t a hazard in aviation. It’s purely ignorance, which is no fault of yours - Aviation 101 just isn’t covered in the public schools.
Just as horse people know there’s a certain hazard to walking behind an equine, pilots know there is a certain hazard to wandering around airplanes in an oblivious manner. Aside from the dangers of props (which can cause significant injury if you walk into one even if it’s not moving - I know one gent who had to have nose sewed back on after such an “oops”) there are all sorts of atennaes poking out, which can cost you an eye, or be jostled loose. There was that time I walked under a fuel vent and got a faceful of gasoline. And numerous times folks have preflighted an airplane and pulled crap out of the hinges and engine cowling (Hint: if you’re at a fly-in empty pop and beer cans go in the trash, not the rudder assembly). The airlines solve this by use of those extendable boarding walkways which coveniently funnel passengers into the plane without exposing either the passengers or the machine to each other. If you do go outside and use a ladder to board there are people doing crowd control duty. Because an airplane can be dangerous even on the ground, and people can be stupid, sloppy idiots.
Try to get up and walk when the seat belt light is on - dudes, it’s on for a reason. Listen to the damn safety briefing - it could save your life. Don’t overstuff the overhead bins - you hit turbulence that shit could go flying. Having a 50lb suitcase crash onto your head will really ruin your day. Put the damn tray up and your laptop away - if the pilot has to abort a landing or make a sudden manuver just after take off, or during landing, you could go facefirst into that tray - I guarantee it will smart like the dickens - and your precious laptop go flying down the aisle. So sorry if this is all so inconvenient to everyone, but it really is for your safety. Which is what you want, yes?
Being herded into an aluminum tube - no matter how plushly upholsterd - and unable to leave for extended periods of time is an unnatural environment. The fact that only a very short distance through remarkably thin metal and plastic is an extremely hostile environment does not help. Airlines distract people with food, drink, music… I do it by saying “Oooo! Lookit the pretty lake over there!” A certain percentage of the population goes into hair-trigger mode in this environment and the most amazingly small things can set them off.
Having been on an airliner when a good, thumping panic has started, I can say you do NOT want to be on board when the screaming starts.
To YOU it may be a joke. To the flying-phobic, or the drunken passenger two rows back, it may be the final straw that flips them into disruptive acts. Drunken, disruptive, enraged and crazy passengers have done far more damage in the past 10 years than all the drunk pilots. If I had a say in anything, there would be NO alcohol on ANY airplane, and none sold at airports, either. Aside from bored people drinking too much, the lower air pressure in the airplane usually means the alcohol affects the passengers much more strongly than at sea level, and the dry air aboard hastens dehydration, which also can intensify the effects of alcohol. Add a little fear into the mix it’s a wonder we don’t have riots aloft.
If you, personally, want to help contribute to the safety of your flight here’s what you do:
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follow the rules the airlines give you about baggage, especially carry-ons.
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arrive sober and stay that way
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don’t yell at anybody
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don’t make jokes about baggage, bombs, pilots, airlines, flight attendants, pocket knives, toothpicks or anything else. If you tend to do this when nervous or scared (and I fall into that category myself) this is yet another reason to remain sober - it helps your willpower.
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if you ARE scared, or if you do see something that bothers you or you don’t understand, tell someone, but do so as calmly and rationally as possible. Airline personnel do understand a lot of people are afraid of flying and want to reassure you, but if you start out by acting like an insane person - screaming, hollering, demanding - they may wind up afraid of you. Airline personnel DO have the right - nay, the responsibility - to remove disruptive and unrully passengers for the safety of those aboard. Having someone go berserk at 30,000 feet is a Bad Thing, since no one can escape from the little aluminum tube.
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obey the flight crew. Yes, they get drinks and food and perform many menial tasks for your comfort. They also really will drag your ass out of a burning airplane. If you ask for a soda and they say “I’m sorry, not right now” don’t give 'em grief. Their first responsibility is safety, followed by certain maintenance procedures, then your comfort. The fact they spend most of their time on your comfort only testifies to their efficiency in dealing with the first two.
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about the pilot’s authority - if there’s an emergency, he or she can do just about anything in order to deal with said emergency. When I was in flight training there was serious discussion on how to subdue an unruly passenger, including how to render someone larger and stronger than you unconcious should that be necessary. Talk all you want about your rights - the pilot has responsibilities. That pilot isn’t just thinking about him/herself, or the other passengers, there are also all those people on the ground a crashing airplane might fall on. If there is any question about safety it has to be dealt with. Sorry if that makes us look like a bunch of humorless assholes but there’s a reason flying is the safest mode of transportation available despite the hazards lurking just outside your pressurized, heated cabin, not to mention the tricky bit of hitting a planet gently on every landing.
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if you do get pulled from an airplane I’d advise you not offer any form of resistance. If it gets to the point you have an armed escort shut the fuck up and do what they tell you. The deck is already stacked against you, you are guilty until proved innocent, and anything other than abject cooperation at that point will only hurt you more. It ain’t right, it ain’t fair, it ain’t a lot of things… but it IS reality.
As I have said - I have been a recipent of FAA “hospitality” myself. I was held against my will for two hours. THEIR viewpoint was that, as a passenger (which is what they decided my legal status was on that flight), it’s much too dangerous for me to be wandering across an airport ramp by myself to get to alternate transportation. Well, I put up with it and got free donuts and coffee and could call my husband and tell him there was going to be a little delay. Meanwhile, in the next room, I could overhear the pilot in command having a Really Bad Day.
Yes the FAA can be a pack of heartless bastards. Most pilots I know would rather submit to an IRS audit than be the subject of an FAA investigation. And that is not a joke.
Here’s the deal: the pilot and you are really allies - you both want the airplane to take off and get to where it’s going safely and on time. The FAA doesn’t give a fuck about your flight, other than it generates the paperwork it’s supposed to, and not generate paperwork or publicity for the wrong reasons. If that means your ass gets arrested, an airplane gets unloaded, a couple hundred people are delayed 6 hours, and a sober flight crew gets drug tested… well, so fucking what? Probably the most fun they and the TSA guys had all week. So why are you screwing with your allies (the flight crew)?
Now, if the pilot really is drunk that’s a different story.
But the fact remains that making jokes about impaired flight personnel when boarding an airplane is, at best, in very poor taste. Yes, the FAA goes into overkill. I don’t like it, you don’t like it, you can thank Congress and the goddamned lawyers for that. But just like you don’t smoke and don’t carry a knife and don’t stand up when the seatbelt light is on - don’t make jokes about safety issues OK?