To my dear, DEAR friends in my apartment complex with whom I am cursed to share a single washing machine and dryer…
Just in case you’re actually a bunch of MASTURBATING LEMURS ON HEROIN, (a possibility I become more and more convinced of every week) let me tell you this once explicitly so you can’t claim ignorance:
The washer runs for 40 minutes. Exactly. From the second you shove the quarter tray in until it stops spinning on the dry cycle is 40 minutes. ON THE FUCKING NOSE. I’ve timed it.
The dryer, on the other hand, is a little less precise. It runs between 55 and 65 minutes. But you really ought to come back at 35-40 and clean off the lint filter, because your clothes will dry much faster and more completely that way. Again, trust me, I’ve gone out of my way to verify this. But if your SIMIAN ANCESTRY is showing particularly strongly that day, just remember “one hour.” Easy enough, yes?
Now, here’s my point, you bunch of THC-ADDLED, DROOLING ASSCLOWNS: You are not the only one who wants to do laundry. Yes, I know you have a hard time with this concept. But stick with me here: Other people want to wash their clothes too. (Dennis Leary voice: ) Oh-kay?
Yes, I’m sure you think it’s cool when the dryer magically keeps going for twice as long as normal. But you know what? That’s not actually magic, YOU MOUTH-BREATHING EXCUSE FOR A TENNESSEE REDNECK! That’s me being nice and putting in more quarters! Because I want your clothes OUT of the dryer so I can dry mine! Because wearing wet jeans to work sucks. You’re lucky I’m a nice person and I don’t TAKE YOUR STINKING RAGS AND DUMP THEM SOAKING WET IN THE DIRT PILE OUT BACK when you toss them in the dryer and leave them to mold for three days straight.
I understand that maybe since you’re all a bunch of DEVELOPMENTLY DISABLED CRACK BABIES you might have a bit of difficulty with remembering what time it was when you put a load of laundry in.
But even if you have THE IQ AND ATTENTION SPAN OF A BRAIN-DAMAGED SQUIRREL ON METH, you can still do laundry in a reasonable amount of time! Say, less than a day per load! No, really! They have these really cool things nowadays, they’re called stopwatches. You can buy them for $3 down at the local K-MART, a fine establishment with which I’m sure you’re familiar. Oh, yes, some people claim to use those complicated things called CLOCKS, in conjunction with something called REMEBERING WHAT TIME IT WAS, and with a little ADDITION sprinkled in, but that’s obviously too much work for your SNAIL-LIKE BRAIN.
So just get the stopwatch and use it, and we can all be happy. (Dennis Leary) Oh-kay?
Yeah, I think ya’ hear me knocking neighbors. And I think I’m coming in. And I think I’m bringing ten stopwatches, a bottle of Spray-And-Wash, and THREE TONS of damp laundry.
-Ben
The apartment building I used to live in had two washers and two dryers. People frequently left their clothes in the machines for too long. These people also frequently had their clothes removed by me. If I was in a good mood and they hadn’t been in there TOO long, I’d fold them and put them on the table.
ModernRonin2, I’ve been there and it sucks monkey balls. There are a couple things I did to assist the fucknuts in being less derelict in their laundry duties.
Moderate Approach:
Tape a computer generated notice in **HUGE FUCKING BOLD LETTERS **right on the machine that is being abused. Have it say:
THIS MACHINE HAS A MAX CYCLE TIME OF XX:00. CLOTHES NOT REMOVED FROM THIS MACHINE AFTER THIS PERIOD WILL BE SUBJECT TO THE LAUNDRY/TRASH CAN ACT OF 1985.
(you want to keep it light since most likely you’ll be running into them every so often.)
Extreme Approach:
You know those blue bowl cleaning tablets you use in your toilet? Well, It’s quite remarkable what one does to a laundry load in the pocket of a pair jeans.
(other than making sure this guy is not a psycho or an attorney, this should send him quite a message. Look at it this way, you’re doing him a favor, he’ll never have to worry about being color coordinated.)
A readable rant displaying a discriptive, personal flair. Nice attention to detail; Masturbating Leumrs on Heroin will look lovely on my band name list. The judge from Michigan gives it an 8.75!
Oh, and when the people in my dorm don’t get their laundry out of the washer or drier on time (running times are posted), the clothes get stacked on top of the appliance and the laundry cycle begins anew. I would suggest that you take a cue from Linear Crack and post a sign with the running times. Next time they leave the clothes sitting, pile 'em on top of the washer and go about your business. They were warned.
I no longer have to deal with these troglodytes (I own a house now) but your rant brought back all the accumulated rage I used to feel. I give it a 9.0!
And let me add a personal note. In the '80s, in Colorado there seemed to be a fad of having “scented clothing” (5 different apartments and 2 dorms: people kept doing this in each location). I actually caught someone dumping POLO aftershave (the most noxious of aftershaves) onto a sock that he then tossed in a dryer. Which, of course, smelled like POLO for the next 3 days. DO NOT DUMP YOUR STINKY AFTERSHAVE IN THE WASHER (or worse) THE DRYER so that your clothes will all smell like bull sweat, tortured cat urine or dessicated monkey cum. If you want all your clothes to stink, buy a spritz bottle and spray the fucking things. Don’t contaminate the machine! You smelly bastard/bitch.
You’d spend your hard-scrounged quarters on some shitgobbler’s laundry? Tape cutsey semi-threatening signs on the machines? Fold their fucking clothes? Man, you guys are pussies.
As soon as the cycle ends, clothes are summarily evicted from the machine and dumped in a pile (no folding!) on top or on the nearest table. Why wait? Their clothes aren’t getting any drier sitting in the machine, and the longer you wait to start your cycle is the later they can get their crap back in after you. Never put them on the floor or in the trash - a laundry war is never worth the hassle. End of story.
And perfume in the machines? That deserves death. Sabotage the machine and blame it on the chemicals in the perfume.
My building actually has a set of machines on every floor so I can usually find a set that aren’t in use.
However, if I need the dryer and there are clothes in it, I have no problem with putting the clothes on the dryer. If it is the washing machine, I’ll usually give them another half hour to show up because if they start the dryer while my clothes are washing then my clothes will just have to sit wet for that much longer, if they haven’t come back in 30 minutes, though, I figure the odds of them returning in the next 30 are reasonably small.
I don’t like handling other peoples clothes (do I really need to know what kind of underwear my neighbors prefer?) but I do it anyway.
No personal or species offense intended, Lemur866. It’s the “masturbating” and “heroin” part that bothers me. Actually, I wish my neighbors WERE lemurs. Then at least
they’d look cool and, as you so correctly pointed out, not have clothes.
-Ben
P.S. Fenris, would you happen to be the twin brother of a certain “Mr. Bad Example”? Just curious…
All: Thanks for the advice. I think I’ll employ some of it. That way, when they haul me in for murder, I’ll at least have something to plead necessity on. ;]
-Ben
When a machine you want to use has been left unattended and has finished its cycle, you have the right to sculpt a laundry bunny with their wet clothes.
I meant as soon as their wash/dry cycle ends. As in: you walk into the laundry room carrying your soiled unmentionables just as the washer finishes cleaning the monkey cum off someone else’s clothes. Don’t wait for the dickhead to show up and remove his laundry from the machine, he’s probably busy fisting his mother.
Funnily enough, I got reamed once for doing that. I was busily folding someone else’s clothes when the owner (someone I knew) came in to claim them, and immediately pitched a fit. “Why are you touching my clothes! You couldn’t wait five minutes (five minutes hell)?! That’s my underwear in there!”
Currently, there is a phantom laundress in our building, but she’s absent to the point that I can take her stuff out of the dryer, do two loads of my stuff, and put hers back in, and she still hasn’t returned.
Also, once I really wanted to finish my laundry, but it was after 9 pm and I wasn’t sure it was kosher to run the machines at that time. I knocked on the door of the apartment that backed up to the laundry room and asked if she’d mind if I ran the machines. She was amazed that anyone would ask instead of just forging ahead.
