This is the funniest Onion article I've ever read

[friedo]

Department of Homeland Security Deputizes Real Mean Dog

“No one can touch Rufus ‘ceptin’ Tom,” Ashcroft said. “He plumb loves Tom. And he don’t always growl at me no more since I done okayed his appointment and give him scraps of my beef jerky. But I sure as hell ain’t goin’ to try and pet him, on account of I need that hand to wipe my ass.”

It gets better.

[Caricci]

I enjoyed the part about the “Muslim St. Peter”.

[RTFirefly]

“Rufus here has one wild hair up his ass 'bout most everything,” said Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge

Yup, and if Ridge yanks on my choke chain one more time, I’m gonna bite his hand clean off!!

[Chief_Crunch]

“That thing almost bit my fingers clean off,” said U.S. Sen. Russ Feingold (D-WI), who required rabies shots after offering Rufus one of his barbecued ribs in a gesture of bipartisan friendship.

Oh man, that’s good.

[lieu]

“Don’t you, boy?” added Ridge, yanking hard on Rufus’ choke chain as the dog barked and jumped to nip at his face. “Huh? I said don’t you, boy? Hell, yeah!”

Heh, if only.

[Oicu812]

That’s funny!

Here is one of my favorites:

http://slavic.freeservers.com/onion/onion.html

O