This is why we can't have nice things (cat related-tldr)

You, lardass, may I interrupt your busy napping schedule and have a word with you?

There’s a reason you’re called Cat 2; you’re not my favorite cat. You’re not even my pet–you’re Number One Cat’s pet adopted only to entertain her.

We both know that is a lie as it wasn’t the ONLY reason I adopted your fatass, but you hate people including me. Despite years of patience, I really only see you when you’re hungry. But, I know you’re around due to your 3 a.m. dueces of death that I can smell in your otherwise pristine litterbox 3 rooms over because Og forbid you actually try covering those abominations. Of course I also hear you racing around the house at top speed immediately post crap of doom. BTW, does this happen because you, too, cannot stand the smell or are you just thrilled to leave half your very large body weight behind for me to scoop? Maybe you’re proud of it?

But, we reached the penultimate straw yesterday. If your pea-sized brain recalls, I’ve been terribly proud of my orchid, the only houseplant I’ve managed to keep alive. I was so proud of its new blooms. But they started mysteriously falling off. Experts were consulted. I blamed and berated myself. Then I walked in the house yesterday to catch your ass happily chomping down on the tiny green stems connecting the flowers to the main stem. Rather than running and hiding the moment you saw me per usual, you smugly looked at me, did that cat eye blink thing indicating you felt safe and loved, then jumped off the table and literally sauntered away. Who knew you were even capable of sauntering, especially with your tail straight-up so you could proudly display your butthole to me the entire time?

There are toys, 2 containers of cat grass, numerous windows to look out of, and another cat to play with. You could have at least left teeth marks on the leaves, main stem or flowers so I wouldn’t blame myself. So, when you try to touch that orchid again, I do hope you don’t nibble one of the habaneros tied with thread near every flower. You’re right, I’m lying, I hope you do try it–then you’ll have good reason to race around the house.


I love cats, can’t imagine not having at least one around, but yeah, they can be brats. My current cat, Allie (aka Princess Razorfang Scissorpaws), seems to believe my hair accessories are cat toys and will even steal them out of their bin on a shelf not much taller than said bin. She also has some mental disorder about small objects on flat surfaces, chews paper or tape, and there are days she only condescends to interact with me when she thinks it’s mealtime (other days, she’s a total pest for attention).

I’m especially “fond” of her “door yo-yo” trick. One human is in bed, the other awake. She can’t decide which one she wants to be with, and being a Siamese, she can get VERY noisy about this problem.

You have one of those, too? My runt cat, Dot, can make my eyes water a full floor away with her Pooh Of Doom. She also doesn’t cover - she scratches all around the box, the floor and the wall, though. For at least 10 minutes afterwards. Then the freak run. However, Dot is kind enough to wait until 5am to do her duty, so I end up waking up only 90 minutes before when I’m usually awake. :mad:

She also decapitated a pretty pansy that was in our window. Left for the store at noon, was flower-less by the time I returned fifteen minutes later.

Or similar product.

We had a cat who licked his side compulsively (to the point where it would be raw, bleeding, and starting to get necrotic). Months of treating it with steroids, and ultimately surgical removal of an oval of damaged skin, and he STILL did it again. We wound up making the poor cat wear “the cone of shame” for quite literally months.

Then we tried spraying the stuff they use for bandages (to keep the animal from chewing it). One lick, and he was quite literally foaming at the mouth (yeah, we found “petrified” cat slobber in several places later).

A second lick the next day, same thing.

He never tried it again.