Ten years ago, on a cold dark night, this turkey was killed beneath the town hall light.
This turkey was found dead in the bathtub of a seedy motel along with a note that read “call 911”. No giblets included.
This turkey invented and patented a combined feather removal and head cutting device, and then sadly fell into it by accident.
The nice, burnished glow on the outside skin is due to someone going medieval on hillbilly turkey’s ass with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch.
This turkey was forced to look beyond the veil to unspeakable eldritch horrors.
This turkey was touched by a being that cannot exist in our reality, but somehow does.
This turkey was granted immortality by beings of unspeakable terror. On the 17th day of the third month after it’s packaging, it will rise up and gain revenge on those who consume it.
This turkey was first stabbed, but it survived. It was then poisoned with enough cyanide to kill a horse, but that didn’t drop it either, so it was then shot in the head. However, it somehow still kept getting back up, so it was shot three more times, bludgeoned, castrated and then thrown into a frozen river. We *think *it’s dead now, but if it jumps up during Christmas dinner and starts babbling mystical nonsense in Russian, well, don’t say we didn’t warn you.
This turkey looked like a jigsaw puzzle with a couple of pieces gone.
This turkey was drawn and quartered. No additional prep work needed!
This frozen turkey carries a terrible curse!
But it comes with a free frogurt.
This turkey threw herself in front of an eggbeater to save her children.
This turkey is not pinin’, it’s passed on. It is no more. It has ceased to be. It’s expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late turkey. It’s a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn’t nailed it to the perch, it’d be pushin’ up the daisies. It’s run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible.
This. Is an Ex. Turkey.
Please God, this turkey’s only 17!
This turkey left holy ground only to be met by the Highlander.
This turkey woke up this morning, put on its slippers, walked in the kitchen and died.
This turkey simply walked into Mordor.
This turkey was killed in a freak accident.
Siamese twins were talking to each other while driving a car and ran over him.
This turkey made Dirty Harry’s day.
This turkey threatened Indiana Jones with a saber.
This turkey pulled a knife on Crocodile Dundee.
This turkey tried to pry a gun from Charlton Heston’s warn live hands.
This turkey called Kevin Kline stupid. 
This turkey’s death at Altamont signaled the end of the 1960’s
This turkey was hanged, drawn and quartered for the attempts regicide of Louis IV. It’s last words were “this will be a hard day.”
This turkey is a product of Balkan agriculture, so its eyelids were sliced off and its head held in place so that as it died it would have to watch its daughter being raped and murdered. (too dark?)
Somebody won a war by making this poor dumb turkey die for his country.
“He’s dead, Jim.”
“I’m a doctor, not a cook!”