This week in Ketchup News
Evidently they should ban ketchup sales to boxcar burglars. But if they outlaw ketchup, only outlaws will have ketchup.

They can take my ketchup when they pry it out of my… hey! …be careful with that!

Google Ad - “The Next Great Ketchup Ad”.

I must have missed the last great ketchup ad…

Well, please try to ketchup.

Everyone mustard seen that one coming a mile off.

So it’s not only ketchup that’s being profiled here: it’s also mustard, mayo, and Welch’s entire inventory of squeeze jams and jellies. And what about GoGurt? You can generate pretty good impact force if you hold it in the palm of one hand and really whap it with the other fist. And ranch dressing in plastic bottles ditto, the heavy artillery, delivering the bloop of death.

And what about the homemade ketchup bomber, using plans he found on the Internet for how to obtain his mother’s empty Vaseline Intensive Care bottle, rinse it out, and fill it up with ketchup?

Lawksamercy. Weaponized Miracle Whip. It’s the End of Civilization As We Know It.

I don’t see why they have to ban it from certain people outright, wouldn’t a background check achieve the same goal?

The National Condiment Association will certainly oppose any attempt to require background checks for ketchup purchases or more draconian measures such as mandatory bottle registration.

Such unreasonable requirements can only be a prelude to an all-out assault on our Secondteenth-Amendment rights.

But won’t somebody think of the children?

Clearly banning condiments mayo may not achieve the desired results. We need to go right to the sauce of the problem.

But but but… what will the youngsters squirt all over their grill cheese sandwiches? or slather onto their mac n’ cheese, in a vain attempt to make it taste like real food?

Can’t we all just get along? Won’t someone please think of the children???

Kids today, they got it made. Thier parents give them money to buy crap to throw at peoples cars. In the old days we had to scrounge around on the ground for china berries and such to nail cars with. Pretty sure it was snowing, too.

I really relish these conversations.

Sheesh, supermarkets ban the sale of ketchup to yutes, but they still sell it to people who are also buy hot dogs? Is there no justice?

Won’t somebody think of the grilled chicken?

It ain’t just Heinzight, acidic comin’ from a mile off, red started vine for superiority around 57.

Just vandals, eh?

I was sure this thread was an update on the great Ketchup / Catsup dispute of 2005. Last I heard the Catsup folks were gaining ground.

Ketchup vandals, eh?

I shudder to think what they’d to with those big bladdery bottles of paint we had in high school, the ones that made disgusting noises when you squirted the paint into your tray.

Man I love these condiment puns, I could read them for dijon end!

I’m in a real pickle; I can’t come up with a good pun.

Maybe olive them have been made already.