Accompanied my wife to visit her MIL yesterday for the first time in a month or so. She was worse than I had been given to believe from my wife’s descriptions. All I can say is that she resembled a corpse as she lay crumpled, sleeping in her hospital bed. She is in assisted living, on oxygen, and on hospice. Incredibly frail. She has no apparent interest in food, and wears diapers. When sentient in years past, she said she did not want to exist like this. Tho if you asked her now, she would say she wanted to keep living. All relevant DNRs in place. Wife’s sister has power of attorney.
At this point, it seems just a matter of time before she dies. Last week the hospice worker said she couldn’t imagine her lasting more than a month. Of course, doctors and caregivers have been suggesting the end was imminent for the past few years…
SIL - who is calling the shots - seems to be walking back on the decision to put her on hospice. Wants MIL provided pureed food, objects to giving morphine, wishes other treatment continued, etc. In countless ways big and small seems to wish to increase the emotions and time invested in this death. My wife would prefer that MIL simply be allowed to die as comfortably (and quickly) as possible. Probably stop feeding her - maybe even disconnect the O2. Just let her die! But has to be careful to not say as much, b/c SIL is looking for someone to criticize/blame - and has accused my wife of wishing to hasten MIL’s death.
SIL’s position just strikes me as so selfish and cruel. I can’t imagine what is motivating her, other than a desire to see herself as MIL’s caregiver/savior. Whereas I can’t see ANY possible benefit to ANYONE (other than caregivers who are getting paid) whether MIL dies tomorrow, next week, or next month.
In large part, my wife long ago said goodbye to the person her mother was. I acknowledge that SIL apparently has not been able to do so. Her current efforts are aimed at saying goodbye (and IMO rewriting past familial relationships!) I understand these sorts of dynamics are very normal. But just wondering if anyone who has gone through or works with this sort of thing would be interested in sharing thoughts/experiences.
Damn, I’d put down a dog that appeared as miserable as the MIL. Glad my kids have agreed to do as much for me. Can’t get my head around the incredible time/emotion/$ being spent on so many old folk in similar situations. Really sucks to be of a mindset wishing someone would simply go to sleep and not wake up.