My American wife’s mother (who lives in the US, while wife and I are in the UK) had cancer a decade ago, and it came back in December 2015. After two stressful, touch-and-go months, the doctors declared they’d got it all. However about a month ago they’d discovered it is everywhere in her body.
It’s caused her health to dramatically decline over the past few weeks and they have now put her on to end-of-life care in Kansas.
My wife never really had a good relationship with her mother (physically abusive, I won’t say more), but she’s finding all these emotions of attachment and daughterly love she never really felt as strongly before, and is feeling immense guilt over how they had a turbulent past (which I’ve tried to point out is unfair on herself).
My wife is a lapsed Christian (arguably agnostic - I’m atheist), but she’s beating herself up about having not ‘prayed enough’ to help her mum (I know it’s just the grief talking of course)
Anyway it’s made worse and more distressing for my wife as she is very heavily pregnant and now beyond the legally safe period for her to fly. She’s stuck on the wrong side of the pond and can’t visit her dying mother.
Additionally, my wife desperately wants her mum to see our baby when it’s born in August, and with each passing day it looks less and less likely she’ll make July.
I’m doing my best to console my wife but it’s really, really tough, especially as we can’t go over there and help or say goodbye. I’m just focussing on being there for her and listening to her, to get the emotions out. I’ve suggested she writes a letter-she’ll-never-send (which could become an actual letter) so she can get her conflicted feelings on paper, and I’ve suggested we go to a church so she can light a candle or somesuch.
It doesn’t feel enough though - she feels grief super hard. Can anyone suggest other things I could do for her?
A letter she could actually send would be great (perhaps you could help her draft something appropriate, since you aren’t in the throes of emotion she is at the moment?), along with perhaps some photos (again, assisted by you).
Obviously you don’t have a lot of time, but since your wife cannot travel, I expect doing this posthaste as the next best alternative will be of comfort to both your wife and her mom. Letters are so rare these days, I expect receiving one that can be held and re-read would mean a lot to both the sender and recipient.
I am sorry about the situation, peace be to both of you.
I can relate to what your wife feeling about her mom. I didn’t have a pregnancy adding to my grief and guilt issues with my mother .
The emotions I felt at the loss of my mother were so weird because up until then I had felt very little , some times I would feel a bit sad but nothing much else. With my mother it was abandonment , so when wave after wave of grief and guilt took me ,it was like a sucker punch from out of the blue.
It was because on some sub conscience level I always held a ‘hope’ that we would some how work though the years of crap and come out the other side whole ,healthy and normal .
But we had run out of time and that hope I wasn’t even aware of holding died with her. The feelings of grief and loss guilt is for that hope that is dying with the person . Not the person but the hope. Once I was able to grasp that ,then all the confusion and emotions sorted out and became manageable .
I’m sharing this because while reading your post it felt like Déjà vu.
Thanks everyone. Yes, we are skyping nearly every day. No, we won’t take a boat - it would take far too long, and the thing is they won’t let her travel, chiefly I suspect in case she goes into labour en route without any doctors around.
And no, induced labour is not an option.
She’s written the letter and I am torn. It’s very nice to her mother - too nice, even She seems to be forgiving her mum for a lot of awful stuff she did when she was little, and I am not sure if that’s healthy for her? Or is it much for me to decide how she wants to handle this?
Yes. And it’s monumental the amount of guilt one feels after a death, so let her minimize it as much as possible if she wants. This may help with that.
Just an idea, have you considered naming the baby after the mother-in-law? Might have to modify for a boy, but it might make them both feel closer. Sorry if it’s a dumb idea, just throwing it out there.
I think in normal circumstances it might not be healthy for her, but at this point, it might do more harm if she couldn’t say these things - I doubt many people regret being extra nice to people who are dying, even if they don’t really deserve it.
Does she have a therapist? This seems to me to be the sort of thing they exist for - they can at least help her work out some coping strategies for when the sad time comes and reassure her that she’s done everything she could reasonably be expected to do. An outside voice added to yours might help with the guilt she’s probably going to feel, too.
If I may, perhaps the child’s middle name? A remembrance, but perhaps not so painful of one as the first name might be. Your wife may go through a grieving process later and find the name troubling.
An alternative suggestion might be planting a tree or rose from home (Kansas is it?) in the garden in her memory, something permanent and living for your family to enjoy.
Well, she died this morning Kansas local time. Wife is a combination of depressed, bawling sad, and angry at everything. I’m glad it happened sooner rather than later although we expected at least another week.
