At 51, she was diagnosed with cervical cancer by way of one golf ball-sized malignant tumor, a little less than two years ago. The prognosis was good; her treating oncologist determined that based on how early it was discovered and its type, that the remission probably was 90% with chemotherapy and radiation treatments. She agreed and went through both. A few months later, we were relieved to find out there were no surprises. That lasted about a year.
She went in for her yearly gynecological exam and something was amiss. After several more tests it was confirmed that the cancer was back and more aggressive. The tumor was growing rapidly. Further, the placement of the tumor caused all sorts of other complications, resulting in a full colostomy. After several torturous months of chemotherapy, the oncologists decided a week ago that there was nothing more they could do. She was sent home to be with her family.
Her health has deteriorated significantly over the past week, and she’s currently in hospice. The doctors have given her until Thanksgiving.
My wife is currently by her mother’s side, and I’m (obviously) not with her and won’t be until I fly to Massachusetts next Tuesday. It’s killing me. She’s in so much pain and I’m not there to be with her. Instead, I feel like I’m pestering her with phone calls. What can I do? Should I get on a plane tomorrow morning? We had planned this trip a couple months ago and this is the schedule we chose, but obviously her mom’s health has taken an unexpected turn for the worst, and I feel like I’m here twiddling my thumbs. What can I do?
Get on the plane. Call the airline, explain the situation, and I’ll bet they’ll find a way to change your ticket. They did for me when my dad was dying. And I’ve never regretted going, but I probably would have regretted not being there for him for the rest of my life.
ETA: I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how hard it is for you. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Thanks for the advice… since it’s my wife’s mother and there is a ton of her family up there (which helps and hurts at the same time), I don’t want to be too intrusive (is that weird?). Although I know my wife well, I don’t know her family well at all. Should I ask my wife if she wants me there before changing the flight? (It’s open in another browser window, by the way, I just have to click on “Confirm.”)
You cannot be too obtrusive in a situation like this. Any support you give is going to be welcomed. Arrange to fly out ASAP, but if you can’t, then don’t worry about bothering your wife with phone calls; I guarantee she appreciates every one.
I’m sorry to hear all this. I went through a similar situation with my father-in-law earlier this year, and my wife was very appreciative of everything I did. Yours will feel the same.
Thanks for all the kind thoughts, everyone. I just spoke to my wife for a long time. She said that she appreciates our (sometimes long) phone calls as they serve as breaks from all the chaos, but they don’t completely remove her from the situation. I think I understand it. That’s what she currently finds comfort in, so I know what I have to do. Plans remain for a Tuesday flight, but damn it’s hard being down here. Then again, it isn’t about me – not even %00001.
There are tons of people up there, and mostly everyone’s a drooling moron who doesn’t know what to say or how to act, and my wife is running blocker to make sure her mom doesn’t have to deal with BS surrounding her. My wife said she needs to be there all the time, and when we get to talk, she goes in the other room, but doesn’t leave the house.
I understand. I don’t have to physically be with her to be supportive, especially when she said phone calls are better for her.
IMHO, you do. YMMV of course, but we lost Ivylad’s father three years ago, so I have a little bit of knowledge in this area.
Your wife is running interference. That’s all well and good, but who is running interference for your wife? Who is making her a cup of tea, or making some phone calls for her, or running errands for her so she can take care of her mom?
Who is going to be there for her at the end of the day, when everyone is asleep, and she can finally go to bed and cry in her pillow?
You’re her husband. You are not interchangeable. You will not be in the way. Go.
Ditto. If flights are booked with Thanksgiving Traffic, drive. Your wife will never say you have to be there, but she’ll want you to be there (she’ll want you to know that you should be there.). And your MIL has done a lot for you, whether you know it or not. Its better to show her that you care now than after she’s gone.
Maybe I’m projecting; maybe I’m remembering how bad it sucked for me because someone left me a voice-mail at work instead of zeroing out & getting me when my father had a stroke. Maybe its because I just barely got to the hospital in time for his last words to be spoken before the second stroke destroyed his ability to speak forever. Maybe its because I’m not sure if he knew I had arrived there for him, even though all the rest of my family was already there, or that I never really got to speak with him before the end.
Lots of maybes.
I’ll end with just one more and I say this as a friend: Maybe you better stop reading my post & seriously get your butt in gear.
A Suitcase w. 3 clean of everything you are wearing right now, hat gloves & a heavier coat. A clean suit, a suit shirt, and a tie on a hanger on the hook on the ceiling behind the driver’s seat. Black leather suit-shoes (with a pair of black socks tucked in one and a rolled-up suit belt tucked in the other) and another pair of casual shoes on the floor of the back seat. Plus your personal kit (razor, tooth brush, paste, shampoo, etc. ) If you wear sunglasses, put a pair on the passenger seat next to you.
It should take you 20 minutes max to put this together and get it into a car. If you miss anything, Massachusetts has Target stores and you have an ATM card. Go!
If it’s any comfort, let me give you a different perspective.
I was in a similar situation (my mom in hospice, me at home with her, my husband a plane flight away). It’s true that it was very hard to be away from my husband at a tough time, and I ached for the comfort he could have given me in person. But he was a great support on the phone, and I found it was also good to just be able to focus in on what was happening with my mom. It was a really bad time–my Dad was beside himself, she was going downhill fast, no one could really do anything. I have to say there was some comfort in being there solo. No coordinating who needed the rental car, no worrying about my husband getting stuck with some of my crazy relatives, freedom to take walks and cry or stay up half the night fretting without keeping two people up. In our case, it was also a comfort to me that he was home keeping a solid routine for our son, who was six at the time.
My point is that his absence wasn’t a matter of him failing me, and although there would have been great benefits to him being there, there were also some advantages to his absence. I understood why he wasn’t there, and in some ways I was grateful he wasn’t. He flew out after she died and it was a profound comfort to have him then.
Don’t beat yourself up over this. The holiday travel rush is working against you. Do what you can, and do what feels right to you–but don’t feel like you’re a complete shitheel if you can’t be there immediately.
OK, here’s another viewpoint in line with CrankyAsAnOldMan’s comments, and based on personal experience.
About ten years ago, my older brother was dying of cancer. I was working then, as was my husband, so we had a full-time (but not live-in) babysitter to take care of our kids, who were both under four years old. My brother lived in another state, close to my parents.
In the days leading up to my brother’s death, I spent most of my time in his hospital room. There were always many other people crowded into that room, including other family members and friends. I was never alone. My husband, however, could not be with me, because someone needed to stay with our kids after the babysitter went home.
Looking back on that time, I really was OK with my husband not being with me. We talked on the phone a lot, of course, and that helped a great deal.
My husband did go to the funeral with me, and I couldn’t imagine dealing with that without him. (Our wonderful babysitter offered to stay overnight at our house to take care of our kids.) But again, during the time leading up to my brother’s death, I was OK with my husband being home and not with me. I had enormous support from the rest of my family, and I hope I helped support them. I even think that in some ways, as CrankyAsAnOldMan pointed out, it was almost easier not having him there. It let those of us who were most directly affected – immediate family members and close friends of my brother’s – focus on my brother and on each other.
Again, my husband’s coming to the funeral was essential, but his being at home with our kids before then was really OK, and maybe for the best.
