Should I visit my dying mother?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

A few things. My mom is a drama queen so her dying may be greatly exaggerated. My sister is close by to her so I’m waiting to confirm whether or not death is imminent. Secondly, my mom and I are not estranged, but I would have to hop on a flight, take a few days off work, get a hotel room for a few days, etc. Not exactly cheap nowadays. She requested I come out, presumably for the death watch. The earliest flight leaves 7 hours from not so she could be dead by the time I get out there OR she could live another 6 months, year, etc. Like I said above I’m not making any plans until I hear from my sister.

Here the question that I need some impartial, dispassionate views on. In 2022 (almost 2023), why do we need to go in person? I mean if I lived close by and could drop in and out over the next few days, of course I would. But why not a skype call? There’s nothing private (that I know of) that I can’t have my sister in there holding the phone. There is no real time frame of when my mom will die from congestive heart failure so I honestly don’t know how long to plan to be out there. Is tonight (Saturday) until Monday OK? Do I need to be there until she dies? She is married so there is no issue with medical decisions and even if there were, what would the difference be between me being there and my sister and I discussing it on the phone? I mean, we did that sort of stuff during the pandemic right? Why can’t it be the new normal?

I’ll try to update with information as it is updated but I really feel I can be by my mother’s side without physically being there. Thoughts?

2

It’s tough, we’ve had the call on my Mom about 4 times now. 2 pretty seriously.

It is only 40 minutes each way, but she’s doesn’t really know who I am any more, nor my children.

I feel like I’ve said goodbye to her 4 times now. Each of these visits are very hard.

I don’t think I’ve really answered your question. The video chat seems like a good idea if mentally she’s still there.

Flying out is tough, especially at this time of year.

3

The question is will you regret not being there if she passes? She will be dead and it won’t matter to her. If you don’t go will it hurt your relationship with other family members, and does that matter to you? It’s your decision alone to make.

4

She is. Plus I txted my son to download skype and get an account going. There is no way he can go out there and I feel that it’s better for him and me to be on skype together than me in person alone.
Maybe him on skype at the same time but if it is ok for one of her two grandkids to be on skype with her then why not me. And until I hear from my sister, I don’t know what my niece’s plans are. Added to this is there is something personal I want to say to her if she is dying, but it is no way private. I don’t care if my son and sister hear it.
I feel like this thread is more appropriate to r/AITA.

5

But won’t skype count as being there? I can’t hold her hand but it’s not like I’ll be ignoring her.

And my family that would care is down to my mom, stepdad, sister and niece. If I feel I did a (not the, there is no one) right thing and they hate me forever, I could live with that.

6

If it counts in your mind, then it counts.

7

I don’t think Skype or Zoom is the same as being there, but that’s one person’s opinion.

8

My personal opinion, based in part in spending a significant percentage of my life over the past three years on video calls: a video chat is better than nothing, but isn’t the same, emotionally, as actually being in the same room as someone.

If she is, indeed, dying, if it were me, and if it were possible for me to be there in person, at least for a time (if not necessarily for a death vigil), I’d do so. OTOH, I’m an emotional, soppy goober, and I’ probably viewing this through the lens of my own parents, with whom I’m close, and I couldn’t envision not being there.

9

Update from my sister.
Mom “died” of heart failure last night but they revived her with CPR. Except for CPR she has a DNR. She is on medication to drain the fluid from around her heart. If that doesn’t work, there is medicine to get her heart to beat stronger although that is dangerous. Theoretically, if she gets stronger they will replace the heart valves but no one thinks that will happen. But it sounds like she is getting better not worse and should make it through unless the unexpected happens.

My sister and I chatted and we are on the same page. She said that in my position she would do the skype call. She also loved my idea that we try to arrange 4 very different schedules and so us two kids and the two grandkids get on a skype call together with her thinking that would mean more - all of us “together” than a couple in person and others virtual and never at the same time. Part of the conversation was exactly what I alluded to before. My mom could be dead before I board the plane, we could have a last Christmas together in three weeks or we could be celebrating her next birthday with her in Spring. IF my mom had 48 to 72 hours to live it would be different but honestly we’ve been saying “goodbye” for 5 years now. How much longer are we expected to do that with every medical issue that pops up unless the doctors say, “This is it. She will not be living out the week.”?

10

The only answer is that you should do what YOU think is appropriate, and what YOU will look back on in the future and think, “Yeah, that was the right thing to do.”

Personally, I do not understand folk traveling for indefinite “death watches.” But I COULD imagine planning a short visit, then repeating as you feel appropriate over however long she lives.

And with Skype, you should consider how your mom feels about that. Personally, I generally find Skype calls more of a pain in the ass than a pleasure, so if your mom feels similarly, don’t inflict it on her.

And don’t hold out for the docs to give you some specific timetable. Especially if she is agreeing to ongoing treatment and resuscitaton.

11

Withdrawn…misread the OP. I seem to be doing that too much lately :wink:

12

I don’t think you can. More to the point, your mother may not think that you can.

Does it really feel to you like exactly the same thing to hold a conversation by Skype as to be in a person’s immediate physical presence – not just for a business meeting, but for something primarily emotional?

– if she’s really likely to keep asking you to make a multiday trip over and over during the next couple of years, that’s a different issue; and I certainly don’t think you’d need to show up in person every time. But I gather this is the first time this has happened? Consulting with your sister first makes sense; and you could try asking your mother to give permission for you to talk directly with her doctor. But it isn’t always possible to tell when death is imminent, or exactly what “imminent” means.

I think that if even you yourself were sure of this, you probably wouldn’t be asking us.

And again: does it count as being there for your sister? It apparently doesn’t for your mother, if she’s asking you to come in person.

That doesn’t sound long term good to me at all.

However, if you’re going to be there anyway in three weeks, and she’s temporarily improving a bit: can you talk to her and promise to be there at Christmas?

I wouldn’t be surprised if she winds up waiting for you; but in any case, she’ll know that you are coming.

– have you discussed with her doctor, since the incident last night, what the chances are of her living another three weeks?

13

If she does pass, would you be going to the memorial service? I think going out to see her while she is still alive, and then not going to the services if she does indeed die would be a acceptable if the travel hassles are your concern. Tough call.

14

Then if you decide not to visit her right now, emphasize those hopes in your Skype conversations with her. Say “Mom, I’m planning to come see you real soon anyway at Christmas. If something unexpected* happens before that, of course I’ll make an emergency trip out instead. [Leave vague what is meant by “something” and what qualifies as an “emergency”.] But I’d rather video chat with you now and look forward to being there for Christmas in a couple of weeks.”

*- yeah, we know, not really unexpected

15

In 2019, I spent a fair bit of money and missed work at a very inconvenient time to say goodbye to a favorite aunt. I am very, very glad I did: she was in hospice and died a few days after my visit.

More than anything, I wanted her to know I cared enough about her, that she was important enough to me, to be worth it. I also wanted to help the family with her: dying is a wretched, lonely business and we didn’t want her to be alone unless she wanted to be. Lots of people around made that easier.

I also had a good visit with other family members from all over that had gathered. It was good to comfort each other.

And it was really, really different than a zoom call. We’d done one of those, too, and it was sterile and left me feeling wretched. Seeing her in person, along with other family members, was comforting. I could start processing that she was really going to be gone. Zoom felt unreal.

I cannot even imagine not flying out to my mom if there was reason to believe the end was very near. But I am also very close to her and we have a good relationship: we talk several times a week. Not all filial relationships are like that.

16

A lot of good posts have been made and I will just say it sounds like you are asking if it’s OK not to go. and it is, for what you’ve said.

but video calls are not the same as in person. I hope you are able to have a good visit at Christmas.

17

Seconded. I had good parents and all things considered the effort on my part to grant a last wish would not compensate for the 9 months of discomfort my Mother went through.

18

Also, your Skype call will interrupt the folk who ARE there. I always hate it when folk are gathered for a holiday or something, and someone calls from out of town, and cramps everyone’s in-person interaction.

19

Your mother isn’t going to haunt you extra if she dies before you visit in person. And if she’s really at the end, she’s likely pretty doped up, and is only sporadically cogent and aware of her surroundings.

So, this is really about whether you will feel a lifetime of regret, or if you will become a pariah in the family. If neither one is a concern, then don’t stress about not going, or just put it off until Christmas.

You aren’t an asshole for not flying out there.

ETA: My mom died at the end of last August. I drove the 4 hours to see her twice in the last week of her life. The first time, she knew I was there and we spoke, but by the time I left the room she wasn’t aware I was still present (she thought I was my cousin’s husband). The second time, I was assured that she could “hear me”, but i doubt it. She looked like a corpse, and the only sign of life was a gasp for air every few minutes. I wasn’t there the day she died, though. I don’t know if being there was good or bad, but seeing somebody in their last days is horrible.

It’s not like it’s going to be “one last good visit” - if she’s dying, you may not even recognize her. My mom didn’t even smell like my mom.

Point being that, if you do go, don’t expect it to be something that fills your heart. It will likely be a miserable time, and you may cry to the point of exhaustion.

That might be cathartic; I don’t know. But if you do decide to go, expect it to be a low point in your life.

Of course, when making this decision, I guess you have to weigh that grief with whatever potential regrets you’d have not holding her hand and telling her your final goodbyes.

20

I didn’t find it so; nor do I find any part of your general description at all familiar.

I’m not saying your experience wasn’t like that – but I certainly wouldn’t assume that most people’s experiences are like that, either for the visiting people or the dying one.