And I need advice on helping my husband cope. You see, there was animosity between them that lasted for decades and as a result, he only saw / talked to her about twice a year. Now that she’s gone, I’m afraid he’ll be dealing with guilt over this and I want to comfort him the best way possible. Any suggestions?
Thanks in advance.
Kemi~
If this was supposed to be in IMHO, could a kindly mod move it? I apologize if I got it in the wrong spot.
My father passed away a couple of years ago while we were estranged. One thing you might mention to your husband is that he might have guilt about not being closer to her, and he might also have guilt about not feeling worse. He might not be totally wracked with grief at the loss of his mother, and that’s realistic, too.
My mother died while we were estranged. I don’t think I mourned her death as much as I mourned the lost hope of the relationship that should have been. I remember trying so hard to get her attention, to try to get her to remember I existed: but after being rejected for so long, I had to give up trying for my own sanity. The one thing I have to remember: I tried my best. I did everything I could. I wanted that mother/daughter relationship: all she wanted to do was party. I was better off having my grandparents as my mom and dad.
Let him talk when he’s ready, and be willing to listen. You can’t change the past, but you can support his future. And you’re doing exactly that.
I’ll be keeping you both in my prayers.
Thank you both. So far, he’s talked little and mostly seemed reflective. I know that when he was younger, he tried as hard as he could and only gave up after it was pointless to continue. I just want him to know that he did love her in his own way and that, in turn, she knew that too.
I appreciate the prayers.
I think you should be mentally prepared that he will not be crushed by guilt. It’s almost a trope, “die estranged = crushed by guilt” but for some people, it’s mostly a relief. That’s not a wrong way to feel, and watch out for making it seem like he “ought” to be feeling guilty, which is kind of how your posts sound.
Hated Christmas that much, did she?
My grandfather (mom’s dad) passed away on her birthday while she was out on a birthday date with dad. Hell of a thing to come home and find out about.
He was, by all accounts, not a great father (alcoholic, sometimes abusive - only psychologically, as far as I know - and I use the word “only” as a qualifier to say that he wasn’t a physical/sexual abuser AFAIK).
And yet, at the ripe old age of 6 or so, I considered him to be my best friend. I loved when he’d babysit me (only a few times, for short periods) and tell me stories about the war (WWII). I later learned that my parents would find beer cans behind the couch afterward. And that the characteristic odor I associated with him was alcohol (vodka, specifically).
Despite his faults, all (or almost all) of his kids loved him. He was a wounded man (literally and figuratively) and didn’t have the energy in him to care about anyone else. He wallowed.
Your husband understands that, I would suspect, about his mother. She was crippled in a sense; hell, even a mother who doesn’t love her kid knows that there’s something not right with that, right? Some people just handle emotions differently, and hubby probably knows that. And doesn’t want to be like that. So give him a little space and still be supportive. Sometimes it takes quite a while for it all to hit home.
Shit, I gotta’ stop being so impatient when my parents call…
Well, it appears now that he’s feeling all of the above… guilt for not being a better son or having done more and for being relieved. He hasn’t opened up much, but that was the gist of his thoughts on the subject. I told him I couldn’t imagine how badly this bothered him, but that he did the best that he could. For the moment, his pain has seemed to ease a bit and he’s back to being stunned. 
I’ll continue watching this thread for the good advice it’s brought me and pray that I’ll follow it well. Thanks again for everyone that’s posted. It’s always good to know, that no matter what the situations, you’re never alone on these boards.
Agree. This was my experience when my father died. Relief that I wouldn’t have to avoid him anymore (he still lived with my mother, with whom I do get along). I probably didn’t talk about it much, because there wasn’t really anything to say. (We knew it was coming; he was terminal.) So, he’s dead. Huh. So that’s that. What’s for lunch?
Of course, if your hubby does have bad feelings about it, you’ll want to consult the other respondents to this thread, not me.
This was my husband’s reaction when his dad died suddenly of a heart attack. I called him at work to break the news and he said “You could have waited until I got home.” He didn’t care, and he didn’t care that he didn’t care. Sad, but an honest reaction.
Your husband’s bound to feel some sadness, but he should know that whatever he feels is right. There’s no “wrong” way to feel.
You don’t mention if you have any kids of your own or not, but if (when) Mr. Faithfool begins to acknowledge any feelings of guilt, perhaps you could gently guide him toward using the lessons learned from that difficult relationship as an opportunity to commit to being / becoming a kick-ass dad in his own right.
mmm
We don’t have any children of our own, but he has a son by his first marriage. And he truly is a kick-ass dad and they are unbelievably close, so there’s that to comfort him now.
Also AuntiePam has it right. I’ll simply try my best to let him know that however he feels is the right way for him. Hopefully that’ll get him through the worst of it and then talking it out in the days ahead (which he is usually apt to do) will see him through the rest.
My mother and I had a falling out in the year before she died. I don’t usually feel guilty about not trying harder to make up because I know it wouldn’t have worked. She knew how to hold something against a person forever. I also try to remember that having distance between us was her choice too. I usually just feel sad for the things that happened in her life that made things what they were.
A friend of mine carried whatever grudge he had with his mother through her whole life without thinking twice about it. Not sure what the deal was but he was comfortable with it and her passing went unnoticed.
Ask him if he’s ok, don’t avoid the subject, ask him straight forward, ivolve himin funeral…
Have you let him know that he is not alone in whatever he’s feeling? That usually helps - to know that whatever stew of feelings you have, people have had similar situations and reactions.
Dad and I weren’t estranged, yet this applies too. I mourned, not the loss of a well-lived life, but the loss of the things that never were - yet the fact that they were not wasn’t my fault, and knowing that it was not my fault helped me accept the loss and work with/through it. I was relieved when he died because he had been in pain for a long time; happy because he had died once he’d accepted his death; sad because we’d never be able to discuss politics in a grown-up fashion. I’ve never rejected death as other people do, having understood it as the natural conclusion of life since I was a little kid; to me, rejecting death is as absurd as rejecting gravity.
When the Grandpa from Hell died this past August, I was yell-from-the-roof happy. I would have danced through the office’s hallways. I was so relieved that never again would we have to make sure that he washed his hands thoroughly, that he did not touch other people’s faces or eating utensils (I am not going into the hygienic habits he’d developed lately in detail because I don’t want to make y’all sick), that we did not leave him alone with any children… I still want to yell “YES!” whenever I think the warlock is dead. Is that wrong? Well, gee, dunnow… I think that “parents, do not exasperate your children” (that is, do not make your children lose any hope in you) applies.
(Ephesians, 6, 4)
Plenty of good responses here, but remember that one size does not fit all. Your husband may be having any of a very wide spectrum of feelings, in varying intensity. He may be completely torn up over this and trying not to show it, or it might not be as big a deal as you think.
Presumably, you know him better than anyone else. Use your best judgement regarding the kind of attention (or possibly lack thereof) that he needs at any given time, do your best to help him through, and realize there’s only so much you can do anyway. Eventually he’ll work his way through this.
I’m sorry for your husband’s loss – and yours too; regardless of whatever relationship you had with your mother-in-law, she was family. Good luck.
Something else: the feelings, like any other complex feeling, change from day to day and moment to moment. Feeling sad one moment, angry the next, happy five minutes later is all part of the mourning process.