Thoughts on comments at a memorial service

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Attended a memorial service yesterday. I had only met the dead guy once. My wife was decent friends with the widow, very close friends with the widow’s cousin.

I had no opinion about him other than what I heard from my wife and my wife’s friend. Apparently the guy drank himself to death, and was pretty much of a jerk towards his wife as he did so. As I heard it, the widow’s main concern about holding a memorial was that she wasn’t all that sad that he had passed.

So we’re at the memorial and they ask if anyone wants to say anything. And one after another, people get up and talk about what a wonderful person the dead guy was. (My impression, not really knowing the dead guy or the speakers, is that many of the speakers were talking about themselves, rather than the dead guy, trying to express what caring and sensitive people they are. But that’s to be expected, I guess.) But I was stricken on what bullshit it is to have a memorial service that presents such a distorted version of who the deceased was. And I wondered how hurtful such remarks might be to the widow.

Do you wish any remarks to be said about you if you pass? If so, do you want them to completely whitewash who you were, or would you prefer a more realistic remembrance? I guess I wouldn’t want people to stand up one after another and talk about what an asshole I was, but I’m not sure I would have an objection to people observing that I was imperfect.

I see I posted another thread about memorial services 6 years ago. Apparently not my most comfortable environment.

2

I said kind things about my dad but also, in a humorous way, referenced what a complete fucking prick he was. It was very well received.

3

I figure someone who was mostly an asshole is going to have plenty of bad things said about them. The memorial service may be the last time anyone says anything good, so I’m fine with the whitewashing of the deceased’s character. You figure no one is all bad or all good, and the people who are speaking are probably well aware of the bad things. The widow will have the consolation that she acted generously towards her late husband in the very last thing she had to do for him.

4

We memorialize people we’d rather forget, sometimes.

The old social dictum “speak no ill of the dead” has a surprisingly tenacious grip. And it is fair to think of whether speaking blunt truth to a grieving family would be more hurtful than the alternative.

5

The only thing I want said at my open casket memorial service is:

“Hey, did anyone else see that? He’s breathing. OMG, he’s alive!”

6

At my brother-in-law’s service multiple friends of his stood up and spoke about how wonderful he was. How he loved to take them to new restaurants and get them to enjoy unexpected adventures. One woman said that after losing her husband to cancer last year and now (my B-i-L) she’s lost the two most important people in her life. Another had recently started to learn guitar and got up and sang a song dedicated to him.

The entire time I was thinking “Who…the FUCK…are they talking about?” The guy I knew was…NOT this person they were talking about. I did not like that man and how he treated my parents or my sister.

So…basically…a person isn’t always the same person they are to you that they are to others.

7

https://www.cnn.com/2017/02/13/health/obituary-charping-texas-man-trnd/index.html

CNN: This is not one of those funny-yet-terse obituaries that often make headlines. This one is kind of upsetting, and the author of the shocking screed has a very specific reason for her harsh words.

“Leslie Ray ‘Popeye’ Charping was born in Galveston on November 20, 1942 and passed away January 30, 2017, which was 29 years longer than expected and much longer than he deserved.”

“At a young age, Leslie quickly became a model example of bad parenting combined with mental illness and a complete commitment to drinking, drugs, womanizing and being generally offensive. Leslie enlisted to serve in the Navy, but not so much in a brave & patriotic way but more as part of a plea deal to escape sentencing on criminal charges.”

“Leslie’s hobbies included being abusive to his family, expediting trips to heaven for the beloved family pets and fishing, which he was less skilled with than the previously mentioned. Leslie’s life served no other obvious purpose, he did not contribute to society or serve his community and he possessed no redeeming qualities besides quick whited [sic] sarcasm which was amusing during his sober days.”

“With Leslie’s passing he will be missed only for what he never did; being a loving husband, father and good friend.”

” Leslie’s passing proves that evil does in fact die and hopefully marks a time of healing and safety for all.”

8

My parents requested no memorials, so we didn’t have any. I am doing the same. So my immediate answer is no, I don’t want anyone saying anything about me after I’m dead (I’m pretty okay with not being talked about much while I’m still here). But if they did, I hope they would tell the unvarnished truth, because what’s the point of remembering some rosy picture of a person who never existed?

9

My Daddy was well liked and loved by plenty.

But he wasn’t perfect.
Of course we had the gushers.

And the religious yappers.

But his bookie got up and said “The bastard owed me $1700. And wasted many hours of my life. I’ll never get back either. But I loved the SOB anyway”.
He did it for laughs. He got them.

(Actually he had a bet placed right before he died and I got the proceeds. Bookie guy was honest)

10

My mother wanted what she called a “Celebration of life,” rather than a funeral. So my brother and I planned a service where we told stories of good and clever things she’d done-- to be honest, I had trouble coming up with “good,” albeit, she was a devotee of Emily Post, and was always ready to take food to new parents, or a family sitting shiva. There were plenty of clever things, and my brother and I made people laugh. I think that’s exactly what she wanted.

Anyone present was invited to come up and speak. I’m sure everyone there could have drudged up an awful story, but people stuck to the good. Quite honestly, the service was held about six months after she died, for a few reasons-- one, to give people who were not local the chance to make travel plans, but also to allow enough time to pass that no one was in deep mourning, and laughing was OK.

My father’s wish was to have an ecumenical service. He was very good friends with the local Episcopal church rector, so he and our rabbi did the service together, and the UU church campus pastor advised, because when my father knew he was very ill, he had asked her. He also asked another close friend who belonged to the Russian Orthodox Church to say some words.

That was a little out of right field from my father, but it was lovely. It was right after his death, like a usual Jewish funeral, so it was solemn, but it was nice-- kind, which my father was. He was someone who would always help out a stranger, and not expect anything in return, so it was fitting, I guess.

Since everyone was still kind of in shock, there was no open mic.

My father had failings too, but no one mentioned then at the service.

I guess my parents were pretty normal balances of good and bad, though.

11

I’d like a certain amount of honesty at my memorial. I’m not some plaster saint and I don’t want to be praised like I was.

Something like

“He wasn’t as funny as he thought he was. He was a great friend and loved to seek out the perfect present. He loved kids and animals- often balloon animals. Let’s hope he left a clear will or we’ll be fighting over all the cool stuff he had. We loved him despite his terrible halitosis. In conclusion, the world is significantly less fun today.”

12

Perhaps the best example I have seen of something like what you are asking for.

Graham Chapman’s Eulogy by John Cleese:

13

That was wonderful!! Heartfelt, funny and in terrible taste.

14

When Joan Crawford died in 1977, Bette Davis was quoted as saying, “You should never say bad things about the dead, only good. Joan Crawford is dead. Good.”

15

Many years ago a friend of mine was a funeral director. Every once in a while she would have a story about a speech at a funeral excoriating the not so dearly departed.

16

Beautifully delivered by a true professional comedian.

I bet that same speech would not work near as well had it been delivered by one of the many behind-the-scenes workers just as associated with the Monty Python crew as Cleese was.

Thanks for the link; that was great.

17

I always hate when they ask if anyone wants to say something at a funeral/memorial/celebration of life. I’ve been to quite a few where no one stands up. I think the reason is people are shy or uncomfortable speaking in public. It’s awkward when that happens.

18

It’s also awkward when a whole bunch of people stand up and talk about how he was the nicest guard in the city jail.

19

I consider memorials, and anything else that happens after I’m dead, to be for the living people who remain, not for me.

So I would want the people who were closest to me to do whatever helps them most.

I suppose it might help to expressly say that to family and friends.

My wife and her brother were estranged from their father for good reasons, among them that he physically abused their mother. His siblings were not fully estranged, but distanced themselves to some degree because he was very difficult to deal with and be around.

When he died, during the middle of the Covid era, one of his siblings organized a memorial over Zoom. He invited my wife and her brother and their mom. My wife asked her uncle about what sorts of things were OK to talk about. He said unvarnished honesty was fine. Now, after the honesty, my wife’s other uncle and her aunt have very hard feelings about it.

Some people maybe have superpowers of creating drama even after they are dead.

20

Lotta people like that. And the more they gave a hoot (positive or negative) about the decedent, the more worried they are they’ll turn in a bad performance, break down crying, whatever. So the only people with the emotional equanimity to turn in a good performance are exactly the folks who don’t know / care much.

Story time …
The last memorial I attended was for the husband of couple that lived in my condo building. She was fairly prominent in our social set and his failing health had already driven him into recluse status by the time I got involved. I knew her pretty well, and liked and respected her. I attended solely to “Show the flag” for her. They could have put up pictures of some other guy by mistake at the ceremony and I’d not have known the difference.

In terms of comfort speaking to groups and emotional status vis-a-vis the death, I’d have been happy to speak to the crowd. But of course I had nothing to say. “He was rumored to be a nice guy as long as he got his way?” That was 100% of my knowledge of him.

Very well said. Bravo Good Sir!