Can’t be done.
Keep the door closed and make sure the bug man sprays a few times a year.
Before kid was away at school, I used to knock twice a week. Once to gather up old dishes and glasses to run the dishwasher and the other on garbage day with a big black bag so he could throw out the large items such as soda bottles and old pizza boxes.
Now it is my office and yes, I had to replace the carpet.
I think the food/dirty dishes is definitely an issue, as encouraging vermin impacts the whole house. When our kid did similarly, we simply said no food in her room. Then we changed it to a buck anytime we saw a food container/wrapper in their room if they were on a different floor.
Re: general neatness, my wife told them that as long as they kept their rooms clean, they could enjoy their privacy. But if they didn’t clean them SHE would - which would require that she look in all their drawers, etc. to clean and put things away. My kids valued their privacy more than being slobs.
I know the “close the door” attitude. But I think there is value in a parent teaching their kids that you have an obligation to maintain things - including your living area.
Want to say, tho - NOTHING will work if you are looking for something you can just say/do once and then never address it again. Or if your spouse refuses to support you. It has taken 16 years for your kid to develop his current habits (and for you to allow it.) It is going to take some time anfd effort to correct things.
Keep the door closed? How about keep the door open, like I do. Everytime I walk past one of the the kids’ rooms and I see something I don’t like, I make him clean it then and there. Turns out it’s easier to keep a clean room than to be torn away from the TV/video game/friends every ten minutes.
Seems to me that keeping the door closed is just hiding the mess, and not teaching him how to clean and maintain.
Or wake him at 2 a.m. and make him clean?
Take everything out of his room except his bed, can’t really make much of a mess without anything to make a mess of. If the need arises to use a kleenex, he can walk to the bathroom and do it there. If he wants a drink of soda, he can sit at the kitchen table and quench his thirst there.
I’m telling you, inviting girls over is the answer. I have been cleaning my place all day today even though I hate cleaning more than anything because my boyfriend will be here in about 20 minutes. I can’t have him thinking I am too much of a slob so the place must be picked up before he gets here. It is the only way I can convince myself to clean.
Is he embarrassed by non-family members seeing his room? What if you threatened to hire a maid to clean it? Knowing a stranger was going to be pawing my belongings probably would have gotten my ass in gear.
That never woulda worked for me.
Yeah, why is this so hard? Here’s what I would say, “Two hours from now your room will be clean. Either you will clean it to my satisfaction, or I will clean it to my satisfaction. If I clean it I will be removing your computer, phone, tv, etc, etc, etc.” (list everything except bed and dresser). Then look at your watch and walk away.
I was horribly messy as a teen, and now I’m a neatnik. No, the floors cannot be eaten off of and there are papers on the table, but my house is organized enough to be comfortable.
One idea my parents used to break me of the cups/plates in my room was to assign me two plates, bowls, cups, and silverware settings. That was it. If there wasn’t a clean dish for dinner I either went without, or scavenged through my room to find something to eat off of and wash it. My mom also thought it amusing to buy fake roaches and put them in my room. Boy howdy did I clean my room that night.
A friend of our has a son who is a horrible slob. He’s a nice boy, but damn. The stench of teen boy was hideous (I can only describe it as Axe, feet, and ass). One night while he was out with friends his parents cleaned out. He was left with his bed, desk, computer and TV. His dresser (and all clothes) was moved to the laundry room. They also put a huge metal garbage can in his room. It kind of worked - the laundry room started smelling of Axe, feet and ass, but his room was tolerable.
TheKid is a slob in her room. I’ve given up on cleaning it. I will no longer go in there for laundry - I will tell her what I’m washing and she can put a pile together. If she misses something important, bummer. She has had ants in her room, which caused a major clean out. She will say how much she likes her room when it’s clean… but then tosses everything on the floor. She keeps her door closed and as long as it doesn’t begin to smell I just do not care.
When I was a teenager that was my room. My bedroom has been messy for as long as I had a bedroom. No amount of threats, punishments, or any creative solutions would get me to clean it. I just didn’t have it in me. Today, my house might not be spotless, but it’s not bad. My husband and I have different cleaning styles but we have worked out a system, he tends to do the day to day tidy and I do the weekly big clean. I just don’t see the point in putting something away when I will need it tomorrow. When he grows up and moves in with a girl things will change. I used to just toss my clothes anywhere, but when it is not just your bedroom, the rules change.
You said that you were concerned that he wont learn how to clean. Does he do other chores around the house? From your OP he does his own laundry, that’s a big one. I knew people in college who had no idea how to use a washer and drier so he is already a step up on them. If he knows how to clean a kitchen and bathroom he will be just fine in the long run. It doesn’t take skill to clean things off the floor. It just takes a desire to do so, and that is something you can’t force into a person.
16 year old boy is presumably old enough to have a job and buy his own clothes. As a homeowner, I would go in with a shovel and trash bags on a predetermined date and time, like Saturday evening after dinner. Anything of his that gets thrown out is his responsibility to replace. Furthermore, he would only be issued paper plates and plastic utensils until the good dishes are returned to the sink.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
How about, “The only time you can keep it closed is if you’re asleep or if you have a guest”? (I like privacy and darkness when I sleep.)
I agree with the “invite a girl over” tactic. One side-effect of being depressed because one hasn’t had a girlfriend in years is that you stop cleaning up because you know there’s no chance, so why bother. But it doesn’t sound like the OP’s son has this problem (lucky bastard).
My apartment is a clutter zone. It gets much, much worse if I am depressed. I am now engaged in a multi-month project to clean, reorganise, and (gasp) redecorate it. I just finished loading all my CDs into my computer, which meant that I could box the discs and stick them in the closet, which meant that I could take the CD drawers and use them to store all the computer boot discs and patch cords and camera accessories and batteries and remotes and so on that had been cluttering up my desk… and so on. I’ve eliminated old clothes (by donation), old electronics (by donation), old books (by donation), and old boxes (by recycling). I have an old Mac system (PPC 8100/80) that I want to donate to a good home. I have old magazines to eliminate or store. I’m thinking about painting! Hanging pictures! A new little dining table! Maybe even having people over again!
Throwing away your own property isn’t a very good idea. And living with a kid after you’ve done something like this sounds like a daunting proposition.
This never worked for me. The cleaning lady coming would just make me lazier. What did work was going off to college and wallowing in my own filth. After a few months of that, I started being cleaner.
I’d reclaim my dishes before going to the bins. As far as the rest, it’s tough love. It builds character. It’d hurt me more than it’d hurt him. (Insert parental cliche here.)
Me again.
Getting your son to clean his room is not your only avenue for teaching him what basic cleaning means, how often it needs to be done, and how to accomplish it. What are his household tasks? How many of them involve cleaning community areas in your house? Does he ever have to clean the bathroom, vacuum rugs, dust furniture, mop floors, etc? Point being, you may lose the battle of his room, but win in the war for clean eventually.
Harkening back to my teen years, my room was also a source of woe for my mom. I grew up to become a reasonably clean adult, because my mom instilled cleaning practices on me throughout the household.
Wow! After years here, I finally start a popular thread! Oh, the girls won’t care–trust me on this. At least not the ones who come over here, anyway. Also, the embarrassment stuff wouldn’t work. I tried that and got a big, “so?” for my question.
Update:
I went down to his room after he got home from school. As soon as I entered the room, he said, “sorry about not picking up so you could vacuum, Mom.”
Which proves two things to me–
I sat down with him and we went over this issue. I told him I was conceding the clothes, to which he said, “yes!” with one of those make a fist, pull back the arm motions. But I said I can’t cede any ground on the dirty dishes or the pop bottles/cans. He pointed out (and he is correct) that he does bring up his dirty dishes every night. (true, he puts them in the kitchen sink, not the dishwasher, but I’m not tackling that just now). And you know, he does do this. So, that’s me, not paying full attention or giving what minor credit that deserves. Fair enough.
I drew the line at the pop etc. He said he’d be better about that. He also said that Sunday was his day to do homework and he’d rather not do his cleaning then. True enough (and he has about 5 hours or so of it every weekend), but I was firm. If you do it consistently, you’ll be able to clean it in under an hour. I shared with him my goal of having the weekly pickup become a habit. We went over his schedule–Sunday really is his only day to do this.
He rolled his eyes, but agreed to it.
So now, the next step for me is to continue to do this, and the very next time there is a pop bottle on the floor, I shall tell him that he cannot use the car until it is picked up. (chances are there will be more to the mess than just pop bottles, anyway).
He does have some chores around the house. He cuts the front grass; drives his little brother to soccer practice; stays home on Fridays until I get home from work to “watch” #2 son; he empties the dishwasher and does other chores as asked. He does help keep communal areas tidy, so there is that encouraging bit.
Thanks for all the input.
DungBeetle--I don’t see why you can’t have some expectations for Matt. No matter what kids/teens say, they all appreciate limits. Why not (talk it over with hubby first) just say, from now on, we expect your help in keeping this place tidy. You need some leverage, true, but surely if you just present it as “we all live here and must contribute” that will say something to Matt? Don’t expect thanks or a willing attitude, but he’ll thank you in the end.
This was essentially the solution my ex told me her parents came to with her.
Well. I dunno if this is going to be helpful or not, but I’ll throw this out there. I have a high clutter tolerance, and I’m also a gardener. I do not have enough hours in a weekend to clean the house top to bottom, get the yard work done, clean the car, do the shopping and still call it a weekend. So I practice what I call guerilla cleaning through the week.
It works like this: You allot a very small amount of time in the schedule. I allot 20 minutes right after work. You identify the easiest thing to accomplish in 20 minutes and tackle that. Say, pick up all the clothes and sort into piles for the laundry. You can probably even get one load through before bed time. The next day, pick up all the pop bottles and recycle them. Third day, I dunno, pick up all the CDs. Day four, vacuum. Day five, dust.
The house is never perfectly clean top to bottom and neither will be your son’s room. But you don’t have to spend a whole hour on your one day off when you can spend ten minutes the other six days of the week and accomplish the same result.
Who decorated his room? Did he have any input, help pick out furniture, accessories, etc? When was the last time it was updated? Does he have cool organizing accessories to help him keep things in order? Does he hate hanging clothes, but have no problem putting them away in drawers?
Maybe you could take him to Target or Ikea and let him pick out some new stuff for his room. If he refuses to hang anything up, take the rod out of his closet and convert it to a bunch of cubes that he can stack his folded clothes in, that kind of thing. Maybe if he felt more “ownership” of it, he’d respect it, have a sense of pride in it and take care of it more. Just a thought.
It sounds like you’ve made a good start. I wish I would have done something like that with my boys. They’re terrible housekeepers, and they’re in their 40’s.
It’s already been suggested, but ditto to giving him a supply of garbage bags and maybe a good-sized trash can, and a laundry basket or two. If he has a place to put that stuff – whether it’s trash, recycling, or dirty laundry – he’ll see that it’s silly to toss it on the floor rather than move a foot and put it in a bin.
If he’s got enough closet, drawer, and desk space, that’ll help him get organized too. Maybe he’s got too much stuff, and some if it could be stored.