And if you did not guess it, my above post is my way of saying
(((Davebear )))
Davebear - I know the feeling, too.
The best thing I got out of therapy is the ability to cope (mostly) with this. I wouldn’t mind at all if I died today, or any other day, but I know that the people in my life would truly freak if I ever fully explained how I feel. I’m not suicidal. I’m resigned to the fact that I’m here for the duration.
Another thing I’ve learned is that I might as well make the most of the fact that I am living. I take more risks than I did when I was younger. What’s the worst thing that can happen if death isn’t a frightening prospect?
Yet another lesson (a revelation after I turned 50) was to stop caring what anyone else thinks. Within the bounds of ethics and reason, there’s an incredible freedom if you’re not constrained by other people’s opinions.
Once this black period lifts a little, I’d bet that you could list a couple of things that would make your existence more pleasant. I join other posters in encouraging you to search for and follow your bliss.
Davebear, just so you know, I didn’t read your OP as a desperate plea for help or a whiny, self-indulgent “Boo hiss, I’m depressed” kind of ramble. I’m pretty sure no one else did either, judging from the responses.
Knowing what they are is a good place to start. I’m not sure if I believe that you absolutely can’t do anything about them, however. I won’t argue this point with you now, though.
Oh, shut up already! :o Stop apologizing, you big old lughead. You didn’t pollute anything, and don’t tell me you’re sorry because your OP made me sad. That’s what I do best, after all: get involved and get emotional. 
Rhino’sHoney and cjhoworth did a good job expressing my feelings towards your silly urge to apologize.
I honestly don’t think that you would be burdening me if you wrote me or anyone here an email or two. At least consider it. Please? ::sad puppy dog face::
You and RH and who else? ::nosy nosy::
Davebear, I think you’re a sweetheart. Here’s an extra big hug for you: {{{{{{DAVEBEAR}}}}}}
Since it looks as though your expected death has been postponed indefinitely, I suggest that you consider your life from here on out as an unexpected gift to be expanded upon and enjoyed to the utmost.
I do wish you would reconsider therapy/meds. I put off looking for help for many years because I thought I could handle everything myself (and partly, I’ve realized, because I didn’t think I was worth it). I foolishly suffered a great deal of unnecessary misery and wasted many years of the only life I’ve got - therapy and antidepressants are not only giving me back my life, it’s showing promise of being a much better life than I ever dreamed of having.
BTW, I’m only 4 months short of my 45th birthday.
I may be getting a late start, but better late than never!
To everyone - Thank you all, for your support. It’s a gift beyond price. But, really, I’m okay. I’m really not suicidal, although some of your stories made me want to cry. Please, if you want to cheer me up, make a joke.
I was planning to come back, read and respond to RH’s post, and ask the mods to close the thread. I don’t think that would be fair, though, without addressing each of you, as you addressed me.
I’m told I should respond to multiple posts in a single response, but A) I only got about 4 hours sleep, so I’m not that organized, today, and B) it’s seems rude, for such a personal subject. So, forgive me if I’m about to violate board etiquette.
Exactly!
Only about four times a day, on average. 
I actually did something like you describe, ten years ago. Perhaps I should have kept going, instead of coming back.
You’re not going to give me that :dubious: are you all right? look, if I show up for the dopefest, are ya?
Yes, it does. I just have to learn not to post about depressing topics when I’m already depressed. I think I’ve learned that lesson, but only time will tell. {{Branwen}}
Davebear,
Oh how I wish I could say or do something to ease some of your torment, it sounds like you have been carrying it for years. I always enjoy your posts, you are witty and sweet! So to say no one would miss you is so wrong, I know allot of people on this board would! I try to deal with my own demons, and I have not always been successful, so I would only offer this suggestion; get it out, your Op is a great start, let those willing to help do so, if someone offers to listen (count me as one) let them. I hate when people say patronizing things to me about what I have dealt (am dealing) with, so I hope I didn’t come across that way? Please know that we are all out here, concerned for you! Margo
Hijack !!! Can’t believe you’re all gonna meet and I can’t be there … part of me really feels I live in Boston (hell, I hear about it twice a day) so I feel like I should be there… it just ain’t fair whines, bitches, moans lol…
I’m beginning to see why people speak so highly of you, Eve. (I just saw your response to WildBill’s (WildEST?) Gotcha Ya post, for the first time, today. And, got a big laugh out of it.) In my only previous dialogue with you I was a bit of a dick, and here you are being supportive.
I’ve actually daydreamed about doing exactly that; the tramp steamer idea. And, yes, I could probably afford to do it for a year, or two, if I went as cheaply as possible. But, then what? Assuming I’m still around, my programming skills would be so out of date I’d be unemployable. I’ve been in that position, before, and it isn’t something I’d care to experience, again. You can only reinvent yourself so many times, and it takes a lot more energy and determination than I feel like I could muster, right now.
I’m also one of those people who derive great comfort from being home, in familiar surroundings. I’m not sure how I’d take to being a vagabond. It may be cowardly, but I can live with that. At least, it’s realistic. My sister was a “gypsy” for years, by choice, and it didn’t really make her happy.
Playing “the chicken and the egg”, are we? Who decides which is which?
God! THAT would be depressing. My whole belief system vanishing into the mists? I’ll pass, thanks. 
I’ve spent years evaluating all the available data to come to my conclusions.
Says you! 
The basic structure of my belief system gelled around the time I was 13 or 14. I wasn’t depressed at the time. I loved life, at the time.
No, not at all. Do I sound like a good candidate for hypnosis? :dubious: I’ve tried, but I can’t let go, that easily. I did have a psychic do a party for me and some of my friends, once. She was a past-life specialist. That was fun, even if I’m not really a believer in psychics.
Simple, elegant, to the point. I should have asked you, first. It would have saved so much time. I should put that in my sig. And, no, I’m not being, at all, facetious. That’s my philosophy, in a nutshell.
Well, he…heck! You people are just too darn tolerant. It’s time to start kicking some whiny butt, around here. I can’t stand the thought of reading it, and I wrote it.
Thanks!
Yes, ma’am. May I apologize for making you angry?
I guess it’s irrational, but my burdens are my burdens, and I don’t believe in asking others to carry them, even if I’m always willing to help others carry theirs. So, I’ll retract the apology, but I’m still sorry I upset you. Those are two different things.
Ooh! The puppy dog face! I’m SO glad I can’t actually see it. I’m just a sucker for that kind of manipulation.
Silly! That would be YOU!, RH, and Branwen. And, now that I think of it, Margo may make it a quartet, if everyone’s agreeable. We REALLY need a big smoochie smilie, around here.
Wow! Really? I know I’ve seen you around, but I had no idea I’d made an impression. Thank you!
You just did. Thank you.
I’ll send you a one way ticket, if you like.
Okay. I think that’s everyone. Once, again, I’d like to thank everyone for their support. All flippancy and argument aside, it was deeply appreciated. And, I really am okay. But, your concern was the most touching thing that’s happened to me in ages.
Now, if I can get the Mods to lock this down, so no one else call fall into this morass, that will be good.
Alrightie.