Memorandum
To: My bosses
From: Your underling
Re: Communications
Although I know it is difficult for you, it will occasionally be necessary for you to do more than point and grunt to acheive some sort of specific action on my part. Although I am working on my mindreading skills, I’m still not proficient in ‘primal ego speak’. Thank you in advance for your efforts in this area.
Heh, this reminds me of the classic episode at the family homeless shelter where I was a caseworker. A client was upset about some perceived failing on our part and said, “My welfare check pays your salary.” :smack: 
:smack: :smack:
Gar. If you actually showed up to any of the free, with refreshments, workshops we offered, on parenting, housing search, household budgeting, etc., you might know something about something and maybe see the backwardness of that statement. Also, classic telephone Qs:
“What’s the number to 411?”
“It’s one digit off from that number, it’s probably the same office, right?”
“It’s busy, what do I do?”
To my fellow cow-orkers.
When I bring the AK-47 into work, would it be too much to ask for you to just stand still? I mean, really. I’m not a very good shot. Instead all I get is of all of this running and hiding and diving under the desks.
And what’s with the 911 calls? If you would all just stand still, we wouldn’t need 911 services, would we?
And all your screaming is giving me a headache. Can you all just keep it down a little, please. Like I said. I’m not a very good shot and I need to concentrate.
You all realize it’s all your own fault. I mean if someone hadn’t of stolen my lunch for the 3rd time this month, you all wouldn’t have to face my squirreley wrath.
Account Executives:
You are supposedly college educated and can read above a first grade level. Therefore, I must conclude that you are willfully ignoring the four different signs above the color copier that tell you to use ONLY THE COPY PAPER DESIGNATED FOR THE COLOR COPIER. The signs are quite clear, written in simple English, and even include a sample of the color copier paper wrapper so you won’t be confused. You’ve even been told…repeatedly…that using plain copier paper in the color copier will mess it up requiring a service call. Maybe you just get a kick out of being the first one to rant and rave and lie on the floor kicking and screaming when the machine goes down.
Telephone callers:
This company employs 80 plus people. Please give me the person’s entire name when you are calling so I will know which Kristi/Kristy/Christie or Amanda or Amy or Jennifer you wish to speak with. I only relieve the regular receptionist occasionally so I don’t know every single person who works here or that you call here often, for that matter. And, fellow employees, leave your full name when you require a callback, m’kay?
When you have that “Do Not Interrupt” top secret financial meeting, take a minute and think about where you want to have it. There are any number of unused classrooms, offices and meeting rooms available. Ask where the best place would be while school is in session.
Don’t have your “Do Not Interrupt” top secret financial meeting during the school day in the fucking library which is also where we keep the extra supplies like paper and glue and paint. If you do, expect to be glared at by every teacher on the staff.
The women’s washroom is not the best place to have a private conversation.
Don’t want your voice mail messages to be overheard? Then don’t listen to them on speaker! Especially when you sit in the cubicle right next to me.
I sent an e-mail on Monday stating that I’d be placing an office supply order on Thursday. Why did you wait until Friday to tell me you needed 6 boxes of file folders and OMG you can’t finish your project without them! You can wait until the next order, or you can get your ass down to the office supply store and buy some. No, I will not go for you; this is your problem, not mine.
Yes, I am a notary public, but that does not mean I’ll notarize any old piece of paper you put in front of me. If it isn’t related to our business, I’m not signing. Especially a blank piece of paper. Or something written in a language other than English. If I can’t read it, I’m not signing. :wally
“Hi Prof! Can u tell me when teh final is? Tks!”
Gee . . . if only I’d thought to announce this in class. Oh, wait, yeah, I did. Every day. For the last two weeks. But, one cannot expect students to a) come to class and b) pay attention even if they’re there. So, gee, a considerate instructor would have put the final time on the syllabus. Oh, wait, I did that too. But, what if they lost their syllabus? If only there were some kind of web of information that one could access world-wide, and if only I had a page there that listed vital course information, such as when the final exam is. Oh, to dream of such a world!
I am happy to meet with you outside of office hours, to review, or to give you a makeup exam.
I am not happy when I keep that time on my schedule clear, just for you, then prepare the necessary materials and sit alone in my office, waiting for you to deign to show up. I’m even less happy when I get an email six hours later saying, “Sorry, I had to [do some other stupid thing.]” Every goddamn one of you has a goddamn phone growing out of your goddamn ear every goddamn minute of the goddamn day. USE IT FOR SOMETHING USEFUL, for crissakes.
Er, why is the fact that Podkayne does not preview?
I meant, why is the fact that email exists an invitation to people to turn off their brains?
I work for a newsletter publisher. About a week ago, I received a check with two subscription renewal notices. When I looked up the subscriptions, I found that since we’d sent those renewal notices, one of the subscriptions had already been renewed and paid, and there had been some activity on the other such that the amount due no longer matched the amount shown on the renewal form. I understand that this is a bit complicated, so I returned the check to the customer, along with a letter explaining (better than I have here) why I was returning it, and that they actually owed less than they thought. I always end my letters with “If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me. Please reference customer number XXXXXXX.” My direct phone line, fax number, and e-mail address are at the top of each letter.
Yesterday, I received that same check back, along with those same two renewal notices, and a photocopy of the letter I’d sent. Nothing else, no notes, nothing to indicate whether they understood the problem or what they wanted me to do with the check.
Also, we get a shocking number of checks with absolutely no useful information. What publication do you want? Where should I send it? We publish about 40 different newsletters and have thousands of customers. Unless you tell me what you want me to do with your $150, I’m going to have to send it back. And if I send it back with a request for the subscriber’s name and address, or the title of the publication they want to subscribe to, please actually include that information when you return the check. Simply sending the check back to me isn’t useful except in proving that people are idiots who apparently don’t care what we do with their money.
To: That Dumb Cunt who Calls Herself a Manager
From: Kalhoun
I hate your fucking guts, ya dumb cunt.
Strong memo to follow.
K
Dear Fellow Employees:
Is there a good reason, or any reason at all, that you can’t pick up your feet when you walk by my office? Are you that tired every single day? Are there 20-lb. lead weights affixed to the bottom of your shoes?
I imagine Dead Men Walking have stepped with more vim and vigor than the way in which you choose to tread down the hallway – pick up your frickin’ feet!
Thanks,
Gordon
Dear Boss,
If you want me to have ‘complete control of your calendar,’ it would be helpful if you’d actually tell me what you’re getting up to, so I don’t have to 1) call you every time I get a meeting maker for you to find out what you want me to do with it, and 2) read your whiny after-hours emails when you decide to fuck off out of the office with no warning, and then wonder why your calendar hasn’t been updated to reflect that. My hours are 8AM-5PM. Simply not showing up in the office and not answering your phone when the appointment you told me to schedule arrives, and then sending whiny emails to me and copied to your boss that imply I’m not doing my job (which, by the way, are worthless when the email is time-stamped at 5:51 AM), just serve to confirm that your general incompetence and uselessness are not merely rumor.
Dear field personnel:
I realize that you like the nifty reports that I make for you. That’s dandy. However, when I say that I need about two weeks per report, that means I need two weeks per report. Just writing “I need this by Thursday” in the comments box does not negate this need. I do hundreds of these in a month, in addition to other tasks that take up roughly the other half of my time. I wouldn’t mind it if only a couple of people did this a week, but when half of them do it, I just can’t do it. And yes, I do notice that some of you do it every time. It’s especially great when you say you need it right away and then don’t point comment about it for another two weeks. Hmmm…guess it wasn’t THAT much of an emergency, now was it?
To my technophobic co-worker:
We just got some absolutely wonderful new lab equipment that will make our lives infinitely easier. Seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever been so in love with a shiny box containing lasers and things that make all sorts of interesting whirring sounds when you load your sample. However, the fact that there is a learning curve associated with something new does not make it worthless. We’ve had it for less than a week, please at least give yourself some time to learn how to use it properly before writing it off. Furthermore, when it doesn’t work because you made a mistake, that is NOT a problem with the machine!
Also, to her manager: I know you’re almost as bad with the technophobia, but please don’t encourage her.
Yes! This is like how 2/3 of my coworkers have said they’ll quit if all goes as planned, and over the next THREE YEARS our medical records slowly switch over to electronic.
When are you gonna quit? When the first of the inactive charts goes in, in the beginning? When the new patient charts go in, in the end? Are you going to interview for your next job with the stipulation that they use paper records? What, again, is the point you’re trying to make?
Podkayne, are you me in x years time? My students do the exact same thing. I’m supposed to be tutoring one guy for his maths finals. So far, I’ve had to chase him. We arranged a meeting time last Friday, and the guy basically bailed on me, with no explanation; I’ve not had an email or a phonecall from him at all. Its as if he’s disappeared off the face of the Earth. Grrr.
To my coworker:
I realize that you enjoy doing nothing, So does everyone else at work, I know that when i was hired, you saw training me as a way for you to do nothing, because that is exactly what you did. You were nowhere to be found several times I needed your help, and I had to figure out what to do myself. Yeah, when you were fired we all were a little happy, and when they realized that you didn’t steal 100 dollars and hired you back, we did sort of grumble. I know you think it is “awesome to get paid to go and talk to the people that work next door,” and leave me there to run the store myself, but you know what? It isn’t your job. And if im washing out coffee pots, don’t sit there and read your book, while a line of customers forms, and then look at me, as if I should stop cleaning the pots and wait on the customers so you can continue reading. And, when I don’t stop, don’t complain to me that the customers were being assholes to you, you only sat there and ignored them.
Oh, and another thing, don’t think that the manager is oblivious to what you do, its 's not like they never come in to the store to shop while you are gone. Please stop complaining that I’m making you look bad, because I do my job. I’m not making you look bad, you are.
Oh, and one more thing, you are getting a formal write up on Thursday. The manager was in today while you were out back talking to the people at the shop next door.
Dear Boss.
Go away. Go on holiday, join a political party or do macrame classes at home or something. Please.
I know you are a really nice person, and everyone who has worked here for a while knows what a decent bloke you are. Unfortunately, the minute you step foot in the building though, everybody stresses out because YOU GO MENTAL (in a really nice way of course) because in your opinion, things aren’t going RIGHT.
And you chewing arses off doesn’t make things better at all.
Just go away. Honestly, things work just fine without you around. We still love you though. 
Dear Coworker:
For the love of god, stop whining. I don’t care how hard you think your job is. It’s not the struggle you think it is, I did it for months before you came. It’s a shitty job, yes, but all it requires in a little organisation. It’s about to get about two hundred percent easier, but I don’t think you’ll stop whining.
Dear Customers:
Trust me, there is no difference between this edition of the DaVinci Code and the other. Really. This is the movie tie-in cover, this is not. Yes one’s a little bigger, but you’ll notice they have the same number of pages. No, I’m sure. Look, it’s an awful book. Buy something else.