I figure everybody could use a place to bitch about their work once in a while. Here y’go. Feel free to respond to somebody else’s rant or post your own.
I work at: Staples, The Office Superstore
My job title is: Front End/Copy Center Associate
TO THE CUSTOMERS:
I am a cashier. I am not psychic. I do not know whether this pen is what you want unless you tell me what you want it for. I do not know whether these labels are the right size unless you tell me what you want to label with them. I do not know whether this software will work with your computer unless you tell me what OS you are running, at the very least.
I work at the customer service desk. The return policy is posted behind me on a gigantic sign, three feet tall and eight feet wide. The return policy is printed on the back of your receipt. The return policy is written on a sticker that is slapped on all large boxes and packages we send out of the store. The return policy is something I have no control over. You have thirty days to return a product, with the receipt. If it’s a computer-related item, you have fourteen days. With the receipt. If you paid with check, I can’t give you cash back until after ten days have passed. If you paid with credit card, I can only refund the money as a credit on the card you originally used to pay for it. If you don’t have a receipt, all I can give you is store credit. If you’re two or three days past the return date, I’ll cut you some slack. If it’s been a month, and you’re returning a computer keyboard, I’ll cut you some slack because hey, maybe you didn’t realize the keyboard was under the 14-day policy. If it’s been a year and a half, parts of the product are missing and/or broken in half, and you want cash back, I’m going to have to send you away unhappy. Too bad for you.
I work in the Copy Center. I am not a miracle worker. I can’t turn a black-and-white photograph from 1952 into a color picture just by running it on our color copier. I can’t take all the scratches off this picture with the copier. I can’t run off 3,000 copies in the next five minutes. I can’t give you color copies for the price of black and whites. I can’t help it if you’re too stupid to read the 5-foot-by-twelve-foot sign hanging over my head to get the prices, and too obstinate to ask me for a price check before you order 125 double-sided color copies with complete confidence that implies you know what you’re getting into. I can’t be held responsible for the store’s pricing policies, and I can’t cut you a break without losing my job. I don’t even know you. Sure, I’ll cut you a break, if you’re willing to give me $200 a week.
Your jokes are not funny, Customer. You are not original in making quips like “Gee, if there’s no price tag on it, it must be free!” and “It’s $4.99, here’s a five-dollar bill, keep the change!” or “Golly, that’s a lot of receipt! Har Har Har!”
The store closes at 8:00. Just because we are still here at 8:30 cleaning up does not mean you should be allowed in. The same applies before we open at 9:00 am. We show up at 6 to start getting set up for the day, unpacking freight and putting new signs on the shelves. You can’t come in at 7:15 just because you glimpsed a stockboy’s head, proving that the store is inhabited.
I am required by store policy to do certain things (which is reinforced by monthly Mystery Shops, after which I could be fired if the Mystery Shopper notices I fail to perform all my tasks). This includes asking if you’ve found everything you are looking for, inquiring as to whether or not you have one of our Business Rewards Cards, suggesting you protect your electronics/computer purchase with an extended warranty or a replacement plan, recommending our Monthly Hopefully We Will Make An Impulse Sale product, and thanking you at the end of the transaction. I am not asking about Business Rewards in an attempt to get your phone number and call you at your house to harrass you. I am not suggesting a warranty because the product you are purchasing is known to break. I am not thanking you because I think you are sexy. Everyone can now stop making these assumptions.
Also, if, at the end of a transaction, I say “Your total is $X” and you hand me a credit card, I assume you want me to charge this card for the amount of the purchase. Do not throw a fucking hissy fit and insist you had wanted to pay cash and attempt to get me fired after this happens. This has happened twice to me and five times, total, to the other three girls I am acquainted with who work the registers. We have now decided to implement our own policy of asking every customer TWICE to make sure they’re certain that this is how they want to pay. “Would you like me to put it on this card?” [Customer nods.] “So that’ll be Mastercard, then, for $X?” [Customer nods again.] [We charge.] I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before somebody STILL throws a hissy fit about it.
TO THE MANAGERS:
I am a part-time employee. If you want me to work full time, give me full-time status so I can get the benefits, too. If you want me to work part time, then LET ME WORK PART TIME. I appreciate the fact that you give me 39 hours a week. Don’t get me wrong. The problem is that you only put 30 of them on the schedule, and I make the rest of them by being asked to stay late 3 days a week. Dammit, when I see a schedule, I expect to FOLLOW that schedule. You wouldn’t appreciate me saying “Oh, I’m not going to come in for another 3 hours, ok?” I don’t really appreciate you saying “Oh, we need you not to leave for another 3 hours, ok?” I don’t mind staying, and I don’t mind getting overtime, but dammit I want to know in advance! Is that so much to ask?
There, I’m done. Your turn!