While it is highly unlikely I will ever be in the situation, I can’t help but wonder what the proper form is for those invited to spend a few days at the home of a wealthy (probably British) person.
Before departing, does one leave envelopes with cash for the butler, the cook, the maids, et al? Would they they expect it, or be offended?
If it is expected and you stiffed them, would you be relagated to the attic on your next visit?
And what about when I’m invited to Buckingham Palace to spend a weekend with the Queen?
IANA etiquette expert but IMO it would be similar to tipping someone’s wife for cooking your meal, or someone’s son for hanging up your jacket. Personal assistants are not tipped employees and from what I hear most of them make a pretty decent wage. And since Brits don’t tip anyway it would seem doubly strange.
In the stories of P.G. Wodehouse, there are a few instances where tipping a butler was mentioned or done, so it seems to have been expected. I don’t know about the other staff, though. Maybe the butler was meant to distribute his tip among the rest of the help, as he saw fit.
Emily Post’s 1922 guide to etiquette, here, discusses tipping with a focus more on the houses of the American rich. Apparently the tips here weren’t expected to be as generous. And in some houses, tipping was abolished in favor of a bonus system for all the servants, by which they got so much more per day per additional guest.
Dear Cadbury,
Can you please tell me the appropriate etiquette on tipping the house staff in a private home? For example, if a butler provides an extra service to a guest, is it appropriate to give a discreet tip? Or is it completely inappropriate? If it is done, is there a recommended procedure?
Thank you, Janet Sherman
Dear Ms. Sherman,
In most private homes, the professional staff is not conditioned to expect tips in this day and age. Unlike restaurant staff who depend upon tips to make up for low wages, most Butlers and other staff in a home that employs a Butler are paid a decent wage.
Tipping is a very personal thing, and if you wish to give a tip, you may certainly do so, especially when a staff member has gone above and beyond. Doing so discreetly is important, so the procedure may be to write the Butler a note and enclose a gratuity or use a private moment to “insist” on a token of your appreciation. More than likely the Lady and Gentleman of the house would discourage tipping, so using them as a conduit is not recommended.
The enjoyment of the guest in a private home is the product of the work of many staff- the Chef, the Housekeepers, the Driver, the Gardener and so forth all doing their part. A gift to one may become known to others potentially causing jealous twinges.
I recommend these ways to express appreciation:
A heart felt thank you upon leaving the home after the visit
Compliments in front of the Lady and Gentleman of the house about the great service
A nice letter addressed to the staff of the house which can posted in the staff area.
Consultation with the Butler about how to show monetarily your appreciation to all the staff.
The way I see it, tips are payment in return for service. But the butler isn’t serving you - he’s serving his employer. To give him money means you see your host as nothing more than a hotel manager. So no, tipping is not polite.
However, I don’t see how a non-monetary gift would be unacceptable. Just as you’d bring your host a bottle of wine, I can see you giving the butler a small thank-you present. A valuable book, or maybe a small bottle of expensive scotch.
First, make sure he’s a really sound sleeper . . . <ba-dum tissshhhhh>
I also came in here to mention Wodehouse, but will also note that Jeeves (actually a valet, but he could buttle when it was required) had no qualms about accepting gratuities from Bertie’s friends, although it was usually if not always for assistance above and beyond the normal call of duty.
Come to think of it, I remember that in one such incident, a friend of Bertie’s mailed the tip to Bertie, asking him to “give the enclosed to your man and tell him I wish I could make it more.” I imagine that, IRL, such an act could be embarrasing to both master and servant; to the servant on general principles and to the master by suggesting, however subtly, that he can’t afford to pay his servant a decent wage.
In India, it is normal for middle class houses to employ service people – drivers, sweepers, cooks, launderers, or general servants who do a combination of things. Someone makes your bed, puts up your mosquito net, and then puts everything away in the morning, etc.
If you are staying at someone’s house, it is considered proper to offer something for the extra work you’re making for the servants. It’s routine to ask your host what would be appropriate and how to go about giving it to them.
I would tend to agree with the other posters who say not to tip a home servant. Unless of course you are in a place where it is a custom such as Ascenray pointed out.
As it was stated, you are a guest of a friend, emplyoyer, or whatever, not a guest of a hotel. Now, of course, in a hotel, I always tip guest services employees, (unless they are complete a-holes.)
This leads to another related question. I am not rich, nor do I travel in those circles. However, the few times I’ve been at a social event put on by someone of high wealth and social status I’ve tried to maintain the appropriate social etiquette but was uncertain on a couple of things. For one, is it acceptable to thank someone’s butler when they take a coat or to thank the kitchen staff when they bring a meal to you? I always do but I noticed that, at one particular dinner, I and my other middle class companions did also. The high society folks did not. They acted as though the staff were invisible.
Did I make a faux pas? Even if it’s not customary to do so I don’t think I can accept someone giving me food, or being of any assistance to me without thanking them, even if they are being paid to do it.
