Titles for movies which (if there is a God) will never be made

So, the idea is to come up with titles to hypothetical movies where, without even seeing a preview, you can already be sure that the movie in question is going to be Gnaw-Off-Your-Own-Leg-to-Escape-the-Theater Bad. Here are the ones I’ve come up with so far:

Titanic II
Star Wars Episode 2: Jar Jar’s Story
Disney’s Oedipus Rex
Battlefield Earth: The Director’s Cut
James Joyce’s Ulysses
Highlander: The Musical
Britney! The Britney Spears Story
Y2K: The Movie
The Bible Code
The Beanie Babies Movie

Jack Chick: One man’s rise to the presidency
All William Shatner, all the time.
Debbie does Disney

Um, how do I tell you this…?

There is a film of James Joyce’s Ulysses. It’s a lovely black and white film from the late sixties with Milo O’Shea as Leopold Bloom. Really a good film.

[only slightly a hijack] In quaint New Zealand where I was born, it was, because of the nature of the work, shown to segregated audiences. That is, women and girls one day, men and boys the next. Thus public lewdness was held at bay!

They now show Sex and the City on TV in prime time. [/only slightly]

On the OP, topic. may I suggest…

Freddy Got Fingered Again!


Star Wars, Episode 1: The Phantom Menace
Pearl Harbor
Battlefield Earth
The Wild Wild West

To the OP:
Plan 10 From Outer Space
The Tammy Faye Bakker Story
The JDT Story
The Other Other Side of The Mountain
The Wilderness Family Get Eaten By Bears
Bad News Bears: The Retirement Years
Contact 2: Why Aliens Build Human Props Such As Victorian Homes, Childrens Drawings, And Other SF Cliches

And any film about which the writer/producer/director says: “There was just too much story to tell in one film.”


Kniz Goes To Heaven :wink:

**Buns of Steel… The Movie

All Your Base Are Belong To Us

Tae Bo Warrior

The Muppets Lack Ambition

Dungeons and Dragons 2; the Return of the Wayans

Don’t Cut The Red Wire**

**Being Pauly Shore

Ally McBeal - The Movie

Tron - The Windows Edition**

**Muskrat Love: The Movie **

**Billy, Don’t Be A Hero **

**Freddy & Jason Do Debbie **

The Joy of Drying Paint

Eraserhead II

Return to the Forbidden Zone

Geraldo! (a musical)

T.J. Hooker IV

Tim Burton’s Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea

Springtime for Hitler

Leonard, Part VII 9with Bill Cosby)

Abbott and Costello Meet Wittgenstein

Pokemon 12: Buy our cards, now! Pika. Pika.

The Mummy Returns Again.

Highlander: There must be Four!

Like Water for Pizza (true story of May/September romance in the White House)

Edward Safetyscissorhands (in which we see the kindergarten years, when Edward is outfitted with blunt plastic shears that won’t cut for shit, becuase, as Vincent Price says, “You’ll put your eye out!!!”)

Ace and Gary vs. Batman and Robin

The Last Temptation of Abe Vigoda

Cocoon 3 (starring Strom Thurmond)

Alien Again - In space there is no bloody escape
(Likewise Gremlins)

My Little Pony: The Movie
Cyborg Barbie
Jaws IX - Amity fights back (again)
The Best of ‘The Weakest Link’
Edward Cutlery Feet

Superman V: The Paraplegic Years

Actually walor, they made a My Little Pony Movie. I remember going to see it, as a child of the 80’s. It involved purple goo and 3(?) witch sisters. The goo wanted to take over and cover everything, and the flutter ponies couldn’t flutter their wings and fly anymore!

I remember there being a My Little Pony movie as well… it didn’t have the goot hing though that I recall (maybe it was two really long episodes then? But it said on the side My Little Pony The Movie!) It had something to do with the ice cream and the baby ponies getting in trouble at the ice cream maker place giggles in memory and wonders whatever happened to the video… probably sold it years ago


I looked at the words “goot hing” in Obsidian’s post for a good ten seconds before I realized what they meant.

"Goot hing. Goot hing. “Now, just what the hell is that supposed to mean?”



Pee Wee Herman’s Moulin Rouge

CRC Handbook of Chemistry and Physics – The Special Edition

Alien V. E.T.

Walt Disney’s The Call of Cthulhu