To: the residents of the Greater Detroit Metropolitan Area.
CC: my digestive tract
RE: the noxious, odoriferous stench of the last 7 hours.
I must extend my heartfelt, and sincere apologies for the godawful miasma which has my ass as its epicenter. While I should clearly know better than to have eaten an order of Burger King onion rings (King size, no less!), and consequently to have subjected all of you good people to chemical warfare clearly prohibited by the Geneva Convention and the laws of decency, I could not help myself. I was in the thrall of the crunchy, quasi-onion flavored, disturbingly uniform bits of goodness, and unable to comport my behavior to the laws of God and man.
I know what it has been like in my office for the last few hours, and while this cannot in any make up for the torment I have unleashed on an unsuspecting city, rest assured that I (and the plants in my office) have been suffering.
I cannot promise that I will never fall prey to the siren song of the BK onion ring, but I do promise to be more cognizant of the effect that my actions have on other people.