To delve into the past or not?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I need some advice.

My father-in-law was one of the last people hung in Britain, he died in 1962. My (late) husband was born in 1961, so obviously they didn’t know each other.

My son was born in 1991 and his father died in 1993, so obviously they didn’t know each other well but I always wanted my son to ‘know’ his father. We have always talked about things we did, places we went (it was not a long time but enough time to create many memories), things about his father in general.

A few weeks ago he had to write a speech for English class, on his own he decided his topic would be the death penalty. After he had decided that I told him about his grandfather. I figured he was 15 and old enough to know about some family history. He coped with the news remarkably well and immediately started googling, he found a site with the whole news story (a very different story to the one that his father knew and had told me). On a whim I posted a message on the site and now have had a message from not only a relative of the victim but also a cousin of my late husband.

I have replied to both but here is my question, should I correspond with these people?

I feel as guilty as hell for talking to a woman related to a woman my father-in-law murdered, I don’t know what to say to her but I feel I should say something. Her family is obviously still hurting but they are hurting for a crime that happened before I was born.

His family are still hurting too. They are (through my son) my family but I don’t know what to say to them either. They didn’t know my husband was dead and now have a few more cousins then they knew about (in the UK), not to mention a long lost family link in NZ.

Should I close this door I peeped through or should I fling it open and let people expose their feelings and hurt. Part of me is very interested in both sides but part of me feels like it is a guilty secret and these people are making it more real. I really don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want to set myself up for hurt.

Is persuing this healthy, sensible, loony, madness, genealogy, just life stuff ?

For anyone interested or worried I haven’t told my son about these messages.

2

This sort of thing is fascinating to me. I’m not quite sure I understand the need to feel guilty for anything, or brush it under a rug like it’s a dirty secret. The players in the story are long gone and have “paid their debt” so to speak, with their lives. You did not perpetrate any act of violence, and in fact are only related by marriage to the story. Your son shares blood with the ancestor that committed murder, but is a long removed innocent that shares no guilt. Guilt does not transfer by blood as a disease or deformity.
Frankly, anyone that would project their hurt and anger on to you…I do not mean real disrespect for their hurt…would have to have a screw loose to find you or your son as a target for their angst.
I’m not saying you should disregard their feelings, but to view it as any different than you would say, the feelings of the family of some other random victim of violence, that’s taking far too much on yourself.
I’m curious, in these messages, did anyone give you the feeling that they thought you were in any way responsible for damage?

3

Can you keep contact, at least temporarily, not in the flesh? I mean, communicate by letter, email, or such. It might give you a better feel for what the other folks are like. And if nothing else, there may be family medical histories that could be of use in determining if your son is at risk for any diseases such as heart disease or cancer.

If it was me I’d keep the line of communication open, but very carefully, being ready to back out if it became needful.

4

This is my gut reaction, too. I can visualize a sharing of feelings and impressions along with some statements on how this whole business affects you and your son, as being cathartic for all concerned – IF everyone plays the game straight. That’s a big IF, though, and caution is mandatory.

I can tell a brief story to help clarify where I’m coming from. My first wife’s uncle was in a bar and a much larger man began taunting him and causing a scene. The uncle went home, got a gun, came back to the bar and shot the big guy to death. All during the trial and afterwards, the family of the dead guy became total terrors to the family of the uncle, to the point that they changed addresses to try to get away from these people.

You just don’t know how well your efforts to “heal wounds” will be accepted, and you need to be prepared for the worst.

Good luck on how you choose to proceed. It sounds like at least you can get something positive from it and perhaps your son as well. Just watch closely for danger signals you may be exposing yourself to retaliations, or worse.

5

Thank you for your ideas. I have emailed both parties again and my mind is going a million to one.

I have decided to keep communicating with both, they are all in either England or Scotland so physical distance is very clear.

I find the whole situation very conflicting. My son’s father did not have an easy childhood and this situation was a major part of it. Speaking to the victims family makes it all seem so much hardder, butt it is our/his (my son’s) family history. There seems little point in pretending it isn’t and I am hoping addressing it could end up being a good thing.

Secrets are not good.

6

Don’t feel guilt. Nobody has ancestry that is devoid of guilt. Yours may be closer than others, but it’s absolutely nothing to do with you. If your correspondence can help them lay some demons to rest, then no harm can come of it.

Me, I come from a family that occupied Trinidad, owned slaves, and one of my other ancestors murdered his Carib half-brother “Indian Jack” in a dishonourable ambush. On the other side, one of my direct line was called “John the Turncoat”. And further back one of them had an incestuous relationship with his niece.