To My Employer

I’m sorry I didn’t bring this up during my annual review but I had no idea I would find myself in this position. I know this isn’t fair to you but I have come into some severe financial difficulties and will require a significant increase in my salary and commission rate. I do this out of pure necessity and I really have the best intention of more than increasing my productivity to match my new salary.

You see, I just found out that I have received and invoice for $700,000,000,000.00. I had no idea I owed this money and you can just imagine my shock when I received the bill in the mail! At first, I thought this was one of those Nigerian 419 scams but it sounded legit so I decided to check it out. I assure you, this is not a joke. I have checked with the proper authorities and although they privately tell me it is a scam, it is a legal one. Their hands are tied. They can do nothing for me. The debt is real and I am on the hook.

This will completely drain my retirement savings and I will have to liquidate the funds I had been accumulating to purchase a home. I am in quite a bind as you can see. This debt is not forgivable and although I have toyed with the idea of declaring bankruptcy, I have been assured that no portion of the debt can be forgiven. Regardless, I think it would be unfair to try to avoid paying a debt that I willfully incurred. As soon as I find out what I did that cost so much, I will vow never to do it again.

However, why wallow in self-pity? I am sure that although I live well within my means, strive to improve my stand in life through advanced education, gainful employment and diligent savings, I am merely human. I must have slipped somewhere and created a royal mess in the past that has only now caught up with me. I’m thinking it must have been some idiotic financial agreement I got into either in my fetal stage of development or immediately after birth. Logic would tell me that someone took advantage of my good natured naiveté as I emerged from the birth canal. What with the bright lights, masked giant bandits hovering around me, being slapped around, me crying in pain, I must have signed some paper or other that was presented to me by a nefarious minded individual. Yes, I am completely blindsided by what I did that could result in such a large amount but that just goes to show you the incredible power of compound interest.

The only thing I have left to do is make things right. I fully intend to work off my debt and will put in whatever hours or learn any new skills that are necessary to do so. I would much rather continue to improve my skill set in my current job and not have to take on two or three other part-time jobs. I think my productivity would plummet if I had to work at several places instead of just this one.

I hope you understand my situation and can assist in my request. As always, you can feel free to call me in for a meeting to discuss the specifics of the increase.

Regards,

Ivan

Do not fret Ice, you just bought a whole bunch of homes. The hard part will be living in them.

Shark

Dear Ivan,

We are sorry to inform you that we have just recently become aware that the firm is completely and irretrievably insolvent financially, and we will therefore be permanently closing the office at 5:00 pm today.

In lieu of a severance package, you are welcome to keep your desktop/laptop.

Sorry, and good luck in your future endeavors,

Sr. Mgmt.