To My Ex-Roommate: You're Really Freaking My Shit, You Crazy Fuck. Stop Calling Me.

The BBQ Pit
1

Holy living fuck, what a morning. :eek:

A little set-up: Mrs. Chastain and I are blissfully sleeping at 6am here in Phoenix, when I hear the phone ringing. People generally know not to call me before 9am, on account of everyone knowing how much we loves our beauty sleep, and nobody I know wanting a mouthful of bloody Chiclets when I next see them in person. So I let the thing ring, until the 5th ring (when the VM picks up) and I let it go.

But then the guilt creeps in.

I start thinking about my parents. My in-laws. My siblings. Terrible thoughts are creeping in. It could be “the call.” Yes, I’m sure that’s what it was. Somebody’s dead. Somebody’s been in a horrific accident, and they’re dying and now I won’t be able to rush to see them, because I was sleeping. So now I can’t go back to sleep. Maybe I should get up and check the voicem…

The phone rings again.

So I pick it up.

It’s my old college roommate, who now lives in Boston. He seems fine, just called to say hi. I’m trying to hold a cohesive conversation and I ask how he’s doing. “Oh, I’ve been better. I was in a car accident.”

Holy living shit! Are you okay? What happened?

“I was crossing the street on my bike against traffic, and got nailed by a cab. I’m okay, but I’m in the hospital. They had to stitch up my leg.”

Uh…okay. Wow. So otherwise, how are you doing?

Without going into grave detail, here’s what he told me:

[ul]
[li]He’s in love with a girl that could be “the one.” He’s known her for about five months, and he’s thinking about getting married. That’s GREAT! I tell him. How’d you guys meet? “She’s in a college class with me. I’m thinking about asking her out in a few weeks.”…wha?[/li][li]He’s thinking about going to Japan to teach English. He’s currently got no educational degree, no knowledge of functional Japanese, and he’s currently going to school for music theory. Again…wha?[/li][li]He’s been celibate for over a year. That’s GREAT! I say. Yes, it’s great. He’s in SEXUAL ADDICTION THERAPY. To which I ask, if you’re not having sex, why the therapy. “Oh, it’s not just sex. It’s PORNOGRAPHY and MASTURBATION. They’re the root of sin.” Uh…okay. “I’d like to talk to you more about it sometime.” Gee…no thanks. Freaky fuck.[/li][li]His co-workers at his grocery store have started a FUND for him because there’s a rumor going around that he was brain-damaged in the accident. “I’m not sure if I’m going to take the money or not.” He intimated that he might just pretend to be retarded, quit his job, and keep the money [/li][/ul]
I hang up with him, and realize I’ve heard some of the freakiest, fucked-up stuff I’ve ever been exposed to in the span of 25 minutes. It is now 6:25.

So if you’re reading this, you freaky little monkey, I want you to immediately lose my number. Especially before you get the wild hare up your ass to call me back to convert me into your anti-sex, anti-masturbatory Jim-Jones cult.

I should tell you all he’s been anti-drug for as long as I’ve known him, and I’ve no reason to believe he’s any different.

Jesus. What a morning. :rolleyes:

2

I don’t have anything to say, except that I really loved the title to this thread.

3

Dude, if you didn’t want to talk you could have just told me so.

Sheesh.

4

I think he sounds nice. Could you give him my number?

5

Don’t know about the rest of the stuff, but going to Japan to teach English isn’t going to happen.

6

Maybe he was on some trippy drug when he called you.

7

I wish that were the case.

I can’t explain it, but there’s just something about the guy. He was never really right, even when we lived together in Illinois. Then he moved to Boston, and WHOOOO!! Right off the Cliffs of Sanity in a birchbark canoe, and down the falls of Absolute Plaid-dom.

So, while it’s somewhat of a shock to get a phone call at 6am from the guy, it’s not entirely a shock to hear all the stupid, fucked-up things he tells me.

If it were drug-related, it still wouldn’t be far from the sort of thing he tells me anyway. (For some damn reason. Haven’t seen the guy in person since 1997.)

8

Are you sure he was serious?

9

[hijack]I went to college with a guy that decided to travel around the world. He made it from Alaska to Japan, where he started teaching english. He didn’t have an education degree and he didn’t speak any Japanese. Was very successful and happy there for several years until he met his present wife there. Living near Boston now, with 2 very cute daughters and very happy. So you never know. But he never did make it all the way around the world. :)[/hijack]

10

:open_mouth:

Poor bunny!

11

Sounds like one of those guys you see reports about from time to time.

“Well sure he was a bit strange, but hey no-one ever expected him to do something like that, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised”

12

Yeah. Boston does that to ya. :wink:

13

and

Absolute classics.

There should be a feature through your phone company to block his number if he ever calls again. You should ask them about it and, if the time comes, block his number. (or at least, the number he is calling you from.) Hope this helps! :slight_smile:

-Dirty

14

How does someone teach a language to a person without speaking the language of the student?

15

Caller ID can be your friend.

16

It was a total immersion class. Once they entered his class, they were not allowed to speak anything except English. Sort of the way he learned Japanese outside of his class.

Lok

17

I shouldn’t laugh, since I have a friend like that who calls me out of the blue at the most inconvenient times with the most random and unwanted information I could ever possibly hear. I feel for ya, Chastain86. Try CallerID or blocking the number, that worked for me. Or just change your number, if you can.

18

Sorry, I still don’t see it. If they are already speaking English, what was he there for?

Maybe I’ll open a Gen Questions about this, sorry for the hijack.

19

on the education front:
not knowing the language is totally normal. you go in, even to a beginning class, use a lot of gestures and pictures, and you’d be surprised how fast they pick it up. i taught english in france and sometimes the fact that i’m fluent in french was a problem, because i’d add too much french to the class. total immersion is the thing, and it’s not a weird idea at all for him to go if he doesn’t know the language at all. the rest of it, though, is weird

20

Sorry about that.