Obscene phone calls--your stories, solutions, and stuff

In My Humble Opinion
1

Okay. This is my 2nd attempt at this OP. The first was completely eaten by the evil server. Grrrr!

So…yesterday morning I received a random call on my cell phone. When I answered, I was met with rather inarticulate, but certainly sexual, moans and groans (that I suspect were fake). I gave the most emasculating reaction I could think of: I burst out into rather loud laughter. More moaning. I asked him didn’t he have the internet, where he could find better stuff for free? Isn’t this really a pathetic option? Moan moan groan. My hubby, curious, asked who was on the phone; I answered “It’s some loser jerking off on the phone!” Moan moan. My hubby, less amused, encouraged me to hang up. I did, but less than 2 minutes later Pathetic Pranker Boy called back. This time, my hubby answered–and the wuss promptly hung up. Pffft! Whassa matta, you don’t want to groan for a him?

Of course, not long after that second call I thought of what would have been the most fun reaction to the first call: Tell the caller “Well then, how 'bout a 3-way?” and then have my hubby pick up the line and start moaning back. Hee hee hee!

Another story: While in college, I had someone who was very interested in calling me, but notsomuch in actually talking to me. He’d call, I’d answer, and all I’d hear–if anything–was (what I perceived as nonsexual) breathing. This went on for weeks, but then apparently Sparky’s balls must have dropped because he finally gathered them up enough to actually say something to me. The “conversation” went something like this:

Dufus: Ruffian, what are you wearing?
Me: Wha…?
D: What are you wearing?
M: (a bit of pause while I became genuinely pissed) Look, is this really how you get off? Why don’t you just go get a porn magazine and go jack off…
D: click

That was the last I heard from him. Unlike the first caller I described here, who I genuinely believe was just some random prank caller who had too much to do now that school’s out, this weirdo actually knew who I was and called me by name. I think that since the 1st guy was just playing around, he kept going despite my mockery; the 2nd guy, who seemed to be getting a real thrill out of this, shriveled up in a hurry when I didn’t react like a frightened mouse.

What are you stories? How did you solve the problem, if it was a problem? How would you have reacted differently?

BTW, the only solution to Random Caller Guy was to change my number. This was the last straw in a series of benign, but bizarre, “wrong numbers” (even weird text messages). It especially sucked that he always called from a “Restricted” number. The cellular company said they couldn’t do anything about that–and I understand they couldn’t have given it to me, but I’d hope they’d be able to trace it themselves and do something on their end–so, number change it was. Since only a very small handful of people have that number, it’s no skin off my back.

I would have loved to get that guy’s number, though. I wouldn’t mind pranking back at him with far more creative ideas than mere moaning. :slight_smile:

2

I rarely answer the phone. They’ll have to moan to the answering machine. I suppose that would be evidence. :wink:

3

I had what was clearly a pre-teen bunch of boys call me one night and proceed to ask me sexually charged questions. “What are you wearing?” “You want to fuck?”

I just replied, “Fellas, you should be watching Scooby Doo cartoons at your age. Go to sleep.”

**

The strangest “prank” call I’ve ever gotten was back in high school. I had been dating a guy for about 2 years and it wasn’t unusual for him to call me at all hours. One night the phone rings at ~1:30 in the morning and we had an entire conversation about this and that until I said, “How’d the test go?” (He had taken the SAT exam that morning) He said, “What test?” “What test? The SAT.” “I didn’t take the SAT.”

Turns out it wasn’t my boyfriend. The bastard didn’t even tell me he loved me before hanging up.

4

I had one jerk leave an obscene phone call message on my answering machine!! My roommate and I totally cracked up at that one.

And I haven’t had one in years, at least not since the advent of caller ID, but I used to get them a lot. When I was in high school, some nimrod wrote my name & number on the wall in the boy’s bathroom! So I kept a police whistle by my phone. When I got an obscene call, I’d whistle into the receiver with all my might & main! (this on the advice of my mother, who was a police officer)

5

when I got an obscene phone caller this is how I handled it:

the first few times I would just hang up.

then, when he called again, I simply set the phone down and walked away. I came back ten minutes later and he had already hung up.

He must have gotten bored, moaning to silence. Or maybe it just creeped him out, who knows?

He never called back.

6

I haven’t had one in years either. However, I did get a call back when I was tending bar for a living. The man was inordinately proud of the size of his ahem equipment and went in to get detail about its length and what he intended to do with it. When he paused for breath, I suggested that he and his giant penie wiene come in and get measured. I even offered a prize (free drinks all night) if the thing was actually the size that he promised. For some reason he declined. Wuss.

7

I really like that idea, Bad News Baboon! Except it’s a bit pricey for cell phones. But I’ll keep that in mind for future calls on my land line!

How about…picking up the phone, setting it next to a speaker blasting Celine Dion? Or Lionel Richie?

I can’t imagine anyone whacking off to that…

8

I haven’t had one in years either. However, I did get a call back when I was tending bar for a living. The man was inordinately proud of the size of his ahem equipment and went in to great detail about its length and what he intended to do with it. When he paused for breath, I suggested that he and his giant penie wiene come in and get measured. I even offered a prize (free drinks all night) if the thing was actually the size that he promised. For some reason he declined. Wuss.

9

While I’ve gotten plenty of bizarre calls in my time, it’s one I made, in a way, that really sticks in my memory. There was during a period where my ex was in jail and would call each evening at the same time. Now, collect calls from jail are EXTREMELY expensive and, let’s face it, it’s not like he had so much going on in his life that he needed to fill me in every day. So we developed this system where I would pick up, say “heybaby,loveyouandthinkingofyou,hopeyou’redoingOK” or something along those lines–sometimes I got two seconds to speak, sometimes as much as half a minute. I’d then listen to his “message” that he’d left instead of his name during the recording. This worked pretty well until one day I pick up the phone, hear the tell-tale pause and hiss and say
“I love you baby and I’ve been laying here thinking about you, wishing you were here. I can’t wait to touch you again, I miss you so much” still silence, so I continued
“I need to feel you right now. I want to be under you so bad” (yeah, it’s cheezy I know–but I was young and, well, cheezy)

So then there’s a bit more silence and instead of the recording kicking in I hear some guy clearing his throat and saying “Erm, is this Mrs. bella?” I go bright red and immediately start apologizing. He insisted it was ok, that I’d actually made his day, and then proceeded to try and sell me replacement windows. I’ll never forget it. I’m such a perv. :smiley:

bella

10

Once upon a time, I had a roommate who had formerly dated my own boyfriend’s roommate (is that clear?). We started getting weird phone calls, usually hangups, which mainly happened to me because I was home a little more. Someone advised me to try *69–I did, and got my boyfriend’s roommate’s private phone line (which he answered and played dumb). I was surprised enough that I couldn’t think of a thing to say, so the next time, I talked my boyfriend into calling *69 instead. I had told him about his roommate, and he didn’t want to believe me, so I had two motives–to convince him, and to get him to deliver a few choice phrases over the phone. He got his own answering machine, and got pretty upset. The calls trailed off soon.

11

When I picked up the phone to a guy telling me exactly in great graphic detail what he was going to do to me and what I would have to do to him, I played dumb: What are you saying? What does that mean? I never heard that before? What is that? On and on and on.

Finally, he hung up.

12

I once had a guy leave a message on my ans. machine which was pretty clearly a recording of someone jacking off–only he dropped the phone in mid-jack; then he CALLED BACK and finished. Oooo.

13

Years ago I got some scary ones at a barn I used to board my horse at. I worked weird hours and I would be alone at the barn a lot in the mornings (when everyone else was at work) except for the guy who cleaned stalls. There were three barns though, and sometimes he would be in one of the other barns. I was in the main barn (only barn with a phone) and I started getting obscene calls - lots of grunting and moaning. I just hung up, and quit answering the phone. Then a few mornings later, I was alone again, and the same person called back. I was getting creeped out, because these phone calls were only happening when I was alone in the barn - like someone could maybe see my car was the only one in the lot, or maybe someone could see me walking alone into the barn. Even though this was a fairly large farm, it fronted on a busy road and there were houses around that could see the parking area and the stable yard. So I finally got spooked enough to ask the stall cleaning guy to stay in the main barn with me, and the next time the phone rang he answered it. Whoever it was hung up and didn’t call again - at least not when I was alone there in the mornings.

14

I’ve used this on many an occasion and they’ve never called back. I’d get “the call” late at night, and then just stick the receiver under my pillow (so when the annoying, phone-off-the-hook alert sound EIH-EIH-EIH-EIH-EIH sound start it wouldn’t startle me).

A hang up encourages redial. Dead air is just… well, dull. No good reaction, no disgusted slamming down of phone, it’s just nothing. No reaction. Plus, they probably can’t fiugre out at what point the phone was set down. So hopefully they feel a little stupid that they were doing some heavy breathing to no one.

I suspect that with newer technology like *69 and call screen, harassing phone calls are no where near as likely. I haven’t had one since the early 90s.

I did get some idiot harasment calls for Tammy “Smith” for awhile. My housemate’s name was Tim “Smith”, and the phone was listed in his name. We subscribed to Call Screen which worked until the idiots called back on a cell phone. I called the cell phone the following day – the cell number belong to the girldfriend of one of the idiot callers. I’d hate to see what she did to him after I compalined about the late night calls.

15

I got 3 more or less obscene calls back when I lived in Frankfurt.

Call #1:

Obscene Phone Caller: Hello Melanie (Not my name), is it true that you can masturbate with your feet?
Me (to an imaginary Melanie): Melanie, it’s for you!

I think this was just a prankster who got the wrong number.

Call #2:

(I had just returned home from shopping when the phone rang)

Me: Hallo?
Obscene Phone Caller: Hello DemonSpawn, how are you?
Me (thinking this is a familiar voice I just can’t place): I’m OK, I just got in, how are you?
OPC: I’m fine as well. What are you up to?
Me (still trying to figure out who this is without seeming stupid): Nothing much, just relaxing…
OPC: Do you want to know what I am doing right now?

At that moment I knew this was an obscene call and I went :smack:

Me: No, I don’t know what you are doing, but you’re probably going to tell me…
OPC: I am jacking off right now!
Me: (yawn)
OPC: Does this shock you?
Me: No, it’s rather boring…

He then hung up, probably because I was not proper obscene call material… I was weirded out, however, because he knew my name. He probably worked somewhere where he had access to my name and number, like at a credit card company or bank.

Call #3

This one was actually at work. I was a reservations clerk at a large hotel in Frankfurt at the time. A guy called pretending to make a reservation. We got talking and all of a sudden he starts telling me that he prefers women to be shaved “down there” and other details that I really did not need to know. I said “I think this conversation ends right here, don’t you agree?” And he did…

16

I had an obscene/scary caller when I was young (late teens) that was kind of in the stalker range. He knew what I’d worn into work that day (I worked at a video store), he knew when I was coming and going, etc. He tried hard to freak me out, but when I finally got a word in, I said:

“Hey, you know that grey truck with the lightbar that’s always waiting outside for me after work when I get out? He’s a cop, and he’s waiting to bust your ass for harassing me. I can’t fucking wait, you bastard. He’s going to pull your fucking arms outta your sockets for talking to me like this and calling me. I’d find another player if I were you.”

I never, ever heard from him again, but my friend still came to see me out of work for a few months. It was creepy, but I wasn’t going to let this asshat make me feel scared of my own shadow.

Zette

17

My horseback riding instructor (HRI) shared this hilarious story last night:

Her elderly grandmother was receiving obscene phone calls on a fairly regular basis. She was quite distraught by the calls and would shake for a long while afterwards, the poor dear. My HRI suggested she change her phone number, but after all, the grandmother had had that number for decades and was not about to change it.

So, one evening my HRI was over visiting when the phone rang. The perv was back, and began describing all the things he wanted to do, how he was going to do it, what he was going to do it with, etc.

HRI listened for a few seconds, than said, “Wait, wait…can you hold on a second?”

Perv: “Wha…”

HRI: “I’m cooking. Hold on a minute.”

HRI puts the phone down, attends to her cooking for a generously long period, then returns to the phone. Perv was, surprisingly, still there.

HRI: “Okay, I’m back. Sorry about that. Now, where were you again? You had your…”

Perv: click

That was the last grandma heard from the guy.

Beautiful, just beautiful…“Now, where were you again…?” Bwa ha ha!

18

When I worked as tech support for “Big OEM Computer Company” I got a call once and all that was there was porn…

I’m still not sure what the deal was… either some guy thought it would be funny to have the BOCC tech answer to porn, or he was killing time while he was on hold. Nobody ever answered. But it got everybody in my cube laughing when I put it on speaker phone as suddenly from my area comes panting and moaning and “bowm chicka bowm”

Somebody called me at B&R once and asked me to talk to him while he masterbated. I offered a female, but he declined. (There was a girl there that would have thought it was hilarious, and was in fact bummed that he declined) So we talked about ice cream for a few minutes and he hung up.

19

I used to get all kinds of obscene phone calls from women.

20

A little background: I volunteer at the local rape crisis center, answering the phone and such. My girlfriend is a staff member there. And, sadly, the rape crisis center gets a lot of “pervert” calls.

I was there one afternoon when one such call came in, and my girlfriend answered it. This was a guy who had called before, and his usual MO was to describe various acts that someone had “forced” him to do, and that somehow they had made his penis bigger. So he says something to her like, “I have a nine inch penis, is that normal?” And my girlfriend says, “Eh, I’ve seen bigger.”

He hung up soooo fast…hehe