To my wife's employer....

The BBQ Pit
1

I want my wife back.

For the past ten weeks, she has been travelling, promoting your products, training your customers, and doing your business. And I am becoming increasingly concerned for her health and sanity. And now, her work is starting to affect me too.

So let’s talk, you and I. Ah wait; I’ve heard too much from you, albeit indirectly. So I’ll talk. You listen.

So far, she has endured thousands of miles of air travel, with all the fun of today’s security checks and attendant delays to accompany her chronic case of jet lag. She has driven unfamiliar rental cars on unfamiliar roads in and between unfamiliar cities through winter conditions that she would normally refuse to drive in at home.

She has, because of lack of time and/or lack of being at home, been forced to give up the music lessons she was enjoying, and the hobbies she liked to pursue. She has missed celebrations with friends and family because of her absences, which are frequently longer than they need to be. Why? Because of your insistence on her staying over Saturdays, so as to get the cheapest flight.

She is physically worse than she was, because of the boxes of equipment you force her to take with her. I haven’t yet heard a sensible reason why she cannot courier them to her destination, other than, “The company won’t let me.” So she lugs four to six heavy boxes of your equipment to the airport, and checks them. Then she lugs them off at the other end, and into rental cars, hotel conference rooms, and taxis. You may not allow her to courier your precious boxes, but you seem to think it is normal for her to become bruised and aching from all the physical work involved in transferring them everywhere.

And when she is home, she might as well be a zombie. Thanks to the jet lag she has acquired in pursuit of your business, I watch her fall asleep sitting up on the sofa at six p.m., only to be awake at three in the morning, unable to fall back asleep and worried that if she does, she will be late for work at your office, where you insist she be if she is in town.

Even if she arrived back late Sunday night, you want her in the office early Monday morning, ready to work, cheerful and happy. And neither fall asleep nor let her irritation show at her desk, of course; you have impressed upon her that her episodes of sleep and periods of irritability are reserved for her time with me, her husband.

And speaking of me, what do I get for all this? Why, I get to wait by the phone so my wife can call in and tell him where she is tonight. If she didn’t, I’d often have no idea: “I don’t know exactly where I’ll be for the next few days, but I’ll call and let you know” is a sentence that is no longer unusual in our home. Of course, I get to take all the other phone calls, make the excuses, and remember to pass on the messages when she next calls in from wherever.

Look, folks, I’m getting pretty damn tired of this. I’m not her travel agent, keeping up with alterations in travel itineraries. I’m not her secretary, phoning her friends because she has had yet another schedule change in the field and will be unable to make a much-anticipated gathering. I am not her therapist, listening to how a delayed flight or schedule change somehow caused yet more stress for her. And I am certainly not her keeper, making sure that an aching, jet-lagged, exhausted, half-asleep woman can get from the sofa to our own bed on the rare occasion when she does get home.

I am her husband, you greedy, selfish bastards. And I want my wife back.

2

Spoons, that truly sucks. You didn’t really mention how your wife feels about all of this; is she up for it, thinking she’ll get somewhere with the company eventually, or is she as tired of it as you are? Life is too short to waste so much of it on a job that you hate or is making your life miserable. I hope for both of your sakes that this is a short-term problem that will get sorted out soon. Best wishes to both of you.

3

Spoons You sound like a wonderful caring husband who only wants the best for his wife and family. Have you shared all these feelings with her? Maybe sharing your post here with her might help her to see things from your point of view? I know if my husband wrote something like that it would break my heart to know I wasn’t being there for him. I hope things get better and I will keep you in my prayers :slight_smile:

~dreamer~

4

I feel for you Spoon. A couple weeks ago my wife hit her thumb with a hammer. She did this several times a day, and it made me feel sorry for her. And that fucking hammer is a sonova bitch, for messing up my wife’s thumb like that.

This rant really needs to be addressed to your wife. Although it impacts you directly, she can only be taken advantage of if she allows it. I declined a consulting job with (literally) twice the salary, because of the exact situation you desribe. It’s a matter of priority, and it sounds like she has hers out of wack. The company may have changed the terms of her employment, but she has accepted it at your expense.

Sorry I couldn’t be more supportive, but it’s how I see it. I do sympathize with your, and to a lesser extent, your wife’s plight, however.

5

Macro Man, I understand your point of view. And you’re right; the company has changed the terms of employment somewhat. We always knew that there would be some travel involved, and in the three years that she has been working there, there has been. But never this much.

With regard to the questions of featherlou and dreamer, yes, we have spoken about all this, and not always in moderate tones of voice. She knows my feelings well, and she is not pleased with the situation either–she’d much prefer to be settled at home, or at least have the travel schedule she once did (about two weeks away every two months or so). That may be why I posted this here–because she doesn’t need to hear me go on about a situation she dislikes as much as I do; and if I didn’t vent here, I might well lose it someday and let the employer know directly. And that wouldn’t be a good thing.

The problem is that there are three situations all occurring at the same time: her regular client visits, the introduction of a new product that requires presentations and demonstrations to be made to customers, and a series of professional conferences at which she will be manning the booth. A new product isn’t introduced every day; and the professional conferences usually don’t happen so close together–I don’t believe that they all typically happen at this time of year, either. The regular client visits are expected and usual (if occasionally ad hoc), but somehow this year, everything is happening at once. So, featherlou, there is an end in sight, but it won’t be until at least June.

On the plus side, however, she is starting to realize that she doesn’t have to stay there, and she can stand up for herself. Shortly after I posted the above, she telephoned. During our conversation, she mentioned that the company was planning to send her out again (follow-ups for the new product as well as regular client visits) in the fall. She told them bluntly that if her schedule ended up being anything like the past one, she was out of there. She also mentioned (to me, not them) a couple of other workplaces who have approached her, and for which she wouldn’t have to travel. I know she likes the company she is currently with, and the products they sell, so I’m sure she’d try to negotiate a compromise first. But knowing her, she’s glad to have a fallback too.

6

Hey Spoons!

Sorry bout the bad times, I’m sure you and my wife could relate. I also so a lot of travelling. I just wanted to address this:

There’s a valid reason for this, $$$ lots of $$$. I may be able to help. When you ship a package to a hotel, not only do you have to pay FedEx or UPS, but the hotels Visitor’s Services Department (or whatever they call it at a particular chain) also slaps a charge on it typically in the $10-20 range for a package the size of a book. A larger package could cost more depending on the chain. Add more hotels and shipping and it starts adding up quick (I learned this the hard way when I ran out my travel budget).

What she might do is contact the corporate management for a particular chain she likes and see if they’ll negotiate a reduced or no fee arrangement for this service, in exchange for an agreement to use that chain exclusively. She may even save her company money on teh room, especially since she stays over Saturdays.

7

Spoons, I’m glad to hear that she realizes the situation isn’t ideal. And I completely understand why you’re ranting here instead of to her. I’ll probably be here ranting about Jim’s baseball coaching schedule in a couple of months myself - he coaches 16-18 year olds every spring, and the schedule seems to be made up by someone who never wants the coaches to see their families on evenings and weekends. He knows how I feel; he doesn’t need to hear it again, but sometimes I need to vent about the fifteenth weekend in a row spoiled by his coaching.