To the asswipe that ruined my new house

The BBQ Pit
1

Dear Asswipe,

I wanted to let you know how much I appreciated the visit you made this weekend to the house we’re having built. As you probably surmised, we’re pretty close to being finished, with only installing appliances, laying the carpet, and final touch ups left to be done. In fact, we expected to close on it in about a month. This is our first house, and until now we’ve been really excited about it. We’ve put lots of thought and consideration into picking out all the options that we hope would make this a very special place to spend the rest of our lives.

But the thought that we’ve put into the house just can’t compare to the attention you gave it Saturday morning. You can’t imagine how we felt as we opened the front door and saw the half-inch of standing water that covered the kitchen, dining room and most of the living room. At first our hearts sank, thinking that a pipe had burst and flooded the house. But our distress soon turned to anger as we discovered the clever way in which you taped the kitchen sink sprayer open and let it dangle ever so gently over the counter ledge. You showed true artistic genius by positioning it so that it sprayed directly into the under-sink cabinet, which predictably filled up with water. Please know that your thoughtfulness didn’t go unnoticed. It was fortunate that we uncovered your creation when we did. If we had waited until Sunday to check on the house, two days of water flow might have destroyed the concept you worked so diligently to produce. Instead, only the house was destroyed, not to mention our dreams, enthusiasm, and spirit.

My guess is that you are a child prodigy. Surely this was the work of a young artist with a strong creative urge and boundless energy. I can only imagine the things you could do if you would just use that drive to make the world a little better. But I understand that a true artist must follow his muse wherever it may lead, and damn the consequences.

Just so you know, we will be able to clean up the mess you left. This is only a small setback. And we also want you to know how thankful we are that you didn’t wait until next week after the carpet was in.

We look forward to your next display of performance art, which we hope involves a table saw and a couple of your severed limbs.

Thank you,
Kepi

P.S.: Let this serve as a fair warning that if I ever catch you trespassing on my property again, you will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law – that is if you live, you little fart-sniffing, monkey-spanking, goat-felching fuckwad.

2

Holy shit.

Kepi, my condolences.

That sucks.
A lot.

3

There’s a special place in hell for that fuckwad.

That really, really, really sucks Kepi. I hope they catch they guy who did it and string him up by his balls.

4

Damn, and double damn! Stressful enough to build or buy a house without this kind of senseless destruction. Good luck in the future. I hope everything else runs smoothly.

Needs2know

5

Big-time bummer. Condolences, and I hope the piece of shit that did it suffers a serious, industral accident.

luck,

filthy

6

Nice. One day your wish may be granted, until then I hope that little lowlife is having plenty of pain inflicted on his worthless frame, lots of it.

My condolences

Gomez.

7

I hope you kept the tape. The little bastard probably left some nice fingerprints on the sticky side.

The prick is probably local so he knew when the house would be empty and he probably has a record already. How did he get in?

I probably would be secretly camping in the house for the next several weekends if it was mine, with a shotgun loaded with shells full of rock salt and bacon rind, hoping he would come back.

8

To quote Pulp Fiction (loosely):

"It would almost have been worth him doing it, if only I coulda caught him doing it.

Know what I mean?"

Sorry about your house.

9

Kepi—

What part of the country do you live in? I’m sure at least 50% of the SDMB would be happy to come over.

Just catch the little piss-ant, tie him up and make him read some of our BBQ Pit threads. Then tell him, “and they’re all coming over to SEE you . . .”

10

Jesus Christ! What a work of art, this punk. Definitly time to install a couple of security cameras until you move into the house, don’tcha think. It would be just rewards if you actually catch the bugger.

11

This, sadly, is something where the punishment would never fit the crime. The kid may do a few months in juvie at the most. What they should do is tell him he’s won the lotterey, make him fill out all sorts of qualifying paperwork, sheafs of plans of what he’s going to do with the money and string this out for months. Then on the last day, when you tell him there is not only no money, but he is going to lose every last dime and every last physical possession…then they slap him hard across the face and nail him hard in the gut, so he can’t breathe.

Little fuckwad.

Sorry Kepi…

12

That’s terrible. Sorry, I can’t come up with a word that would adequately fit this lousy situation. Just remember: what goes down, comes around - unfortunately you probably won’t be there. Courage.

13

If it makes you feel any better, think about what this syphilitic chancre on the genitals of humanity was doing on a Friday night.

Before long, the damage will be repaired, and you will once again be looking forward to living in the home of your dreams. He, on the other hand, will still be a miserable dipshit, whose utter inability to get laid forces him to spend his Friday nights engaging in senseless acts of vandalism.

Perhaps turning on the water and running away in glee was the apogee of his pathetic existence. Twenty years from now, you’ll be drinking coffee on your very own porch in your bathrobe, thinking about all the memories you’ve made in your wonderful home. At the same time, he’ll stop on his way home from working the second shift at Shit Burger to spend an hour’s wages on a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon, the only thing that can get him through another night in the piss-ridden hellhole of an apartment that he shares with his third wife, her six kids, and her Yorkie. As he listens to their incessant caterwauling and pounds another PBR, he will think back about that Friday night all those years ago, and realize that it never got any better than that.

Dr. J

14

kepi,

I’m so sorry to hear about that - I just recently had a similar experience. My parents have just finished building a house, and the first night they moved in, they were so tired from the move, they went to my sister’s place for dinner. When they came back, some fucker had broken in and stolen some things (luckily not everything had been moved yet). This meant my parents had to spend the first couple of weeks in their ‘dream home’ scared of leaving the house in case he came back, and spending a fortune on better security, etc. My wish for him was that someone put laxatives in his heroin, and I hope the turd who’s done that to you gets the same treatment. Or, if he’s just some stupid kid, that he gets run over and killed (or at least has a couple of limbs broken).

HenrySpencer

15

Don’t you just love senseless destruction? I do. How about this, when you catch him, tie him up and leave him in your basement. Then call me.

I can keep him alive for DAYS. If I have enough time, I can steal blood transfusion equipment and make it last WEEKS. And with certain drugs you can keep them awake for everything you dream up. And conscious, too (difference, yes).

Just give me a razor blade, some lie, and a bucket full of mice.

16

Said asswipe needs to caught, then tied down in your front yard, bare-ass naked and spread-eagle. Then place garden house up his ass and set on low trickle…enough pressure going in to counter act the force coming out. Leave him like that til the water forces the contents of his GI tract up and out his mouth.

17

I like Freyr’s idea.
Damn, I mean, shyit. Wow. That little prick. Give him to me and he’ll die of extanguation (drained of blood.) Don’t worry, I’ll do it sloooooowly, and have fun while I’m at it. :smiley:

18

Little sick fucks like this deserve pain.

We had a whole spate of events of teenagers trashing new houses here in Johnson County KS last year. It became an “in crowd” thing to do for all the fucking loser jocks and their slut hangers-on. They would crash into these new houses, and have wild, Hollywood Teen-Movie style orgies of alcohol, drugs, and sex. As an added “spice”, of course, they would destroy the house when the party was finished.

A group of them were caught trashing 2 $300,000+ houses, and the D.A. of Johnson County, thankfully, threw the whole freaking book at them - it was NOT a slap on the wrist. These kids even got tried as adults IIRC (they were mostly 17, with some 16 and 18 year-olds) and some served jail time. And a judge ordered full restitution from the parents.

The sickest part were some of the parents - parents so proud of little “Johnny Jock” football player, who got on TV and tried to excuse it with “boys will be boys”, and how could the D.A. be “so mean” as to jeapordize their son’s upcoming football scholarship because he would miss so much of his Senior year in HS he might not graduate? And hey, said the “Dad”, didn’t we all do similar things when we were kids?

Uhhhhh…no, you ass-goblin, I didn’t do similar things when I was their age. I was to busy being beaten on and abused by that same in-crowd.

Later on, the news reported the parents reneged on the payments, and that they were refusing to pay for some asinine reason. So they are in civil court now, fighting like mad the whole way, instead of teaching “Johnny” to take responsibility for his actions. Given the climate around here, I can’t see how a jury could find them not liable.

Oh, “Johnny” was given special classes over the summer, and got his scholarship. Rah-rah-rah.

Oh, and Kepi - I am very saddened by what happened to your house. :frowning:

19

This sort of thing happened to us once. It wasn’t quite the same thing, but construction workers often fill their large water containers from kitchen sinks by taping the sprayer open, and filling the container on the floor. If someone else was working on the plumbing, and turned the water off, they might have accidently left it–and then turned the water back on. Was the house broken into?

20

Dear Asswipe,

Your work of art was critiqued by my builder yesterday, but I’m sad to report that his review of your creation wasn’t quite what you might have hoped for. It seems that your vision was lacking, and the true destruction you hoped to achieve just didn’t happen.

According to my builder, it appears that only a foot-high section of the sheet rock on one wall will have to be replaced due to water damage, along with the under-sink cabinet. I know you hoped for so much more, but fortunately the art world’s loss is our gain.

And I know this may be disappointing to you, but our enthusiasm has rebounded and once again we’re excited about our new home. So much so that we left our meeting with the builder yesterday and went straight to the furniture store to select new living room and bedroom furniture. We now look forward to making this our dream home again.

I must advise you not to attempt using our house as the exhibit space for your next display, which again I hope involves a table saw, your severed limbs, and maybe a wood chipper. After your latest effort, the house will be locked up tighter than a drum after the workers leave each day. You won’t be quite so lucky in finding an unlocked door next time.

As you can see from the comments my first letter received here, I also must advise you not to show up around the SDMB any time soon. You don’t want to mess with my friends here. They don’t take kindly to dumb fucks like you who have no respect for other people’s belongings. And they often have very creative ways of expressing their displeasure.

I know a young genius such as you will continue to express himself through his art, so in your future endeavors let me say, “Break a leg. Literally.”

Thank you,
Kepi
Dear SDMB friends,

I just want to say thank you for all of your support. If any of you are ever on the north side of Fort Worth, maybe we can organize a posse and track down this little shit.

Thanks again,
Kepi